To ask for your help in talking to my DD about her weight

[LoandBeahold]

DD(20) recently came home after her 2nd year at uni and I'm worried about how much weight she's gained.

She's always been slim and sporty but now has a sizeable roll around her middle. She's 5ft 2in so any weight gain is very noticeable. She's looking chunky.

She has no MH issues btw. Works hard at her studies and PT job, has boyfriend and lots of friends and a busy social life.

I'm more concerned about potential health problems than her appearance- she's very attractive.

Any tips on how I can broach this as DH thinks I should keep quiet but I think I'd be letting her down as her mum if I ignored it.

......

Why are you banging on about her (and her weight/fat around the middle - YOUR WORDS!) on Mumsnet then? Why so obsessed with your ADULT daughter's weight?

Don't you have a 'healthy' cake to bake?

Don’t.

She is an adult and aware of her own body. Let her make her own choices.

I’m 50 and my mother still feels she has to try and advise me on how to lose weight.

but that isn’t what comes across.

what is coming across is a woman who is judgmental about people being overweight, whose starting point for that is a size 12 and makes comments about and notes what others eating habits are. And can notice and judge instantly when her adult daughter has put on a few pounds

because that does look like an unhealthy relationship with food

and there are no responses on here which even remotely come across as fragile mental health at all

And some people have pointed out that their unhealthy relationship with food and fragile mental health were caused by their mother or other family member making comments about their weight. That's why they've advised you against doing it. I'm glad you decided to follow that advice, so that your daughter can keep hold of her positive body image and good relationship with food.

OP, I am sorry you are having a hard time here. To be honest, this thread is an eye openner for me. I am not from the UK and did not realise this is such a forbidden subject even with your loved ones here. Of course I know it is a sensitive topic here and I wouldnt expect random people to comment on others weight but I would expect close family and friends to be able to talk about it if they are concerned?

Where I came from it is really quite normal to talk about weight concerns with your friends and family. When I went to uni abroad ( in a country where obesity is as common as UK) I put on 10kg in my 1st year. When I went back home, everyone noticed. My mum asked what I had been eating and showed her worries about me earting too much food. I was not offended, I knew she was cared about me. I have a very close relationship with my mum and can actually talk about anything. Of course I knew I put on weight, I could see it when trying to out on my old outfits, I looked awful, but hearing it from family and friends did give me a big kick and I knew something needed to change. Eventually I lost the weight after some effort.

Over the years my weight has been up and down a bit, there was never any problems talking about it. I would tell her my stuggles and she would offer me some advise, specially in terms of food, she is an amazing cook. When my mum put on weight I also had no problems talking to her about it. Personally I dont think you are shallow to worry about her weight, quite the opposite, you worry because you care about her. It is much easier to lose it earlier than later. I am not trying to convince anyone here, just to offer OP a different opinion.

Honestly it seems you have a very unhealthy relationship with food. So much so that your daughter has gained a few pounds - but not a significant amount of weight, just looks slightly chunkier and you were going to talk to her about it. That is so overbearing, controlling and really shows how shallow you are. She’s not put on an amount of weight that makes her unhealthy, so you’re just upset by her appearance

How do you know she doesn't drink much? She might do at university.

I see that you have decided not to mention her weight, which is wise. To start discussing healthy eating and making the right choices sounds rather patronising.

Plenty of people gain or lose weight when they go to university. Just let her be.

Thanks @littlesilkworm - it is an odd thread because some people are trying to make me out to be odd because I'm concerned about my DD and I enjoy healthy eating.

I took on board advice not to mention it to her but they're still going on and on about what an awful person and mother I am.

It's baffling.

I see that you have decided not to mention her weight, which is wise.

I don't know her bleeding weight 😂

Okay, you have decided not to mention her weight gain to her, is that better?
Honestly op, you do seem rather defensive.

I think the issue is that you’re so keen to tell people what a wonderful mother and person you are. Tends to get people’s backs up.

Why did you go to lunch with people you think are too fat and bad parents?

So now everyone who disagrees with you is fat AND has poor mental health? 😅 Oh dear, OP. Your family’s mental health is probably more fragile than you think, if you spend your time side eyeing their spare tyres and pursing your lips. Got any more kids to fuck up with your judgement, or just your poor DD?

Learning to manage diet is part of becoming an adult. I took a year between my A levels and uni to work and save some money and I put on a heap of weight eating Pret sandwiches and crisps. or a pub lunch lunch every day, going out and takeaways. I ended up feeling awful, learned about a healthy diet and joined the gym. By the time I went to uni, I'd lost it all.

OP I think that you would benefit from therapy to deal with your fat phobia/food issues.
As an ex anorexia who'll always be in recovery, I'm telling you that you have serious issues and have probably already damaged DD.
It could be related to the loss of your DM at a young age.

It could be related to the loss of your DM at a young age

Oh give over with the armchair psychology! Losing mum was heart breaking but I'd already benefitted from having her during those essential early years - nothing can take that away.

And DD isn't damaged 😂

The point is people who have put on weight know that. I put on a shit tonne of weight over the last decade. I am fully aware. People talking to me about it as about as useful to me as a chocolate teapot.

So you know she’s not as much as a size 10/12, as you say, but she’s still ‘chunky’ enough for you to be ‘worried about her weight’ - given she’s 5ft2. She’s a 20 year old woman though not an eight year old. So what dress size would you guess she is now? An 8? A 6? I would hazard a guess she’s not overweight at all, but just not as thin as she once was. How’s about you OP? Are you thin/slim? Obviously not overweight or obese like your neighbours you intimate are ‘not loving’.

Posters expressed disagreement with your plan to share your opinions and advice with your DD, unsolicited. (Not with you being concerned for her health nor enjoying healthy eating).

Fucking hell! Yes some people are more emotionally vulnerable than others. Sorry we aren't all as obtuse strong as you.
Thankfully I don't think think my mum ever knew quite how much damage her words did to me or my sister but her concern 'as a mum' still affects both of our relationships with our bodies now we are in our 40s. It is crushing to hear that that unconditional love doesn't also apply to your physical form.
Had we been the size 8 that your enormously fat daughter is and heard bullshit 'health concerns' I think either or both of us could have spiralled into an eating disorder very easily.
Leave her the fuck alone.

This. My mum constantly bleets on about her healthy diet when i talk to her. I am not over weight. If my mum had her own way everyone would be living on grass.

At 5 foot 2 a 12 wouldn't be overweight. My whole family are around that height all my sisters, at a size 12 were well within a healthy weight.

You are definitely the problem if you're complaining your size 8 daughter has gained weight and feels you need to discuss it with her because you have a friend who is a size 26 and can't walk fast and if someone had told her when she was a size 8 she'd not be fat. Ffs

did you talk to her? did she loose it?