To ask for your help in talking to my DD about her weight

[LoandBeahold]

DD(20) recently came home after her 2nd year at uni and I'm worried about how much weight she's gained.

She's always been slim and sporty but now has a sizeable roll around her middle. She's 5ft 2in so any weight gain is very noticeable. She's looking chunky.

She has no MH issues btw. Works hard at her studies and PT job, has boyfriend and lots of friends and a busy social life.

I'm more concerned about potential health problems than her appearance- she's very attractive.

Any tips on how I can broach this as DH thinks I should keep quiet but I think I'd be letting her down as her mum if I ignored it.

First post as usual nails it 😁

When I was newly at uni one of the older students said something about the fresher ten, they meant the ten pounds everyone gains in first year from living on pasta and beer/cider and late night cheesy chips. Oh how we laughed. It was completely accurate.

My mother totally fucked me up by having 'chats' about food and weight thoughout my childhood / adolescence. It triggered various eating disorders throughout my life and left me with disordered eating, low self esteem and obesity. I have now managed to sort my shit out and am fit and healthy. I'm late 50s.

OP I am amazed by all the people on this thread urging you not to talk to your own daughter about something that concerns you and might be troubling her. What terrible advice!

My son just came home from his second year at university with a few extra pounds and I said “your body looks soft” and the next day he went and joined the gym. He’ll be back to his regular shape by the end of the summer.

You might not want to be that direct but I’d start a conversation by saying that you’d noticed she’s gained a few pounds and ask whether that is something that bothers her. If not, no problem. If yes, does she want you to buy in some healthy salads or does she want any advice on how to shift it?

We have an obesity epidemic in this country and if a concerned mum can’t even talk to her daughter about a belly roll, what hope do we have!

My DD the same age comes home having lost weight and I am tempted to try and feed her up a bit ( but I don't because it's up to her) Her body fat percentage is slightly below of the normal range for a woman, which worries me a bit. She is always cold and has raynauds.

You might try reading the full thread.

I am sure she has noticed she has gained weight.

I found it really distressing when my parents commented on my weight and not helpful at all.

At most I’d check in with her and ask are you looking after yourself at uni? Ask if she’s managing to cook, if she’s managing ok or finding it stressful etc as she might be buying cheap high calorific meals rather than fresh food is she’s trying to save money. But yeah I wouldn’t make it about weight

It’s really normal for people to gain weight at uni, support her while she’s back with some good meals etc but she will know she’s gained weight and you telling her will likely just make her feel rubbish

I've read the whole thread. You still seem to think your daughter is not only stupid enough not to notice her weight gain but also stupid enough not to guess why you are suddenly starting conversations about healthy eating.

Leave her alone!

Jesus that's unsettling behavior from a mother

Yes, very concerning.

Why can’t some people understand that their adult children are exactly that - adult. They need to let them live their own lives, even if they don’t agree with all their decisions.

I also can’t stand it when friends dole out the unsolicited advice - but that’s a whole other thread…..!

If you were my mother I would probably not speak to you again.. it's absolutely none of your business. That is a very cruel thing to say to your son.

I put some weight on when I started uni, noticeably so. And then a few years later lost too much and was unhealthily thin for a while. Neither were intentional or wanted, the weight loss was due to a very stressful job, I was actually probably healthier at my uni weight, though found a healthy balance in subsequent years. Looking back now (20 years later), my parents must have noticed, but they never commented on it, they were just always delighted to see me in the holidays or whenever I visited, and treated me as normal. Am so grateful for that. Your DD will know she has put weight on. If she mentions it I’d adopt a kind of ‘yeah it’s not uncommon for that to happen when your lifestyle changes’ and take her lead as to whether she wants any support with it, but make very clear you value her in ways that weight can’t ever affect. But if she doesn’t mention it, I would literally ignore it- she KNOWS, she’s an adult, and it wouldn’t be helpful to bring it up.

I wouldn't raise it. She's 20 so she absolutely will already be aware and any comment, even from a health perspective only, will likely be distressing.

it will very likely resolve without intervention. Lots of people gain weight in the first year of uni then lose it once the novelty of cooking for oneself and frequent nights out wears off.

If she asks for help then give it but otherwise just let the subject alone.

Please don't mention it. She knows. One thing I have learnt about young adults is that 9 time out of 10 it's better to keep your mouth shut because you can never unsay it. She will likely lose it - there a reason that Americans talk about the freshman 10. She knows she has put on weight. I would just be trying to serve healthy lower calorie food in a not very obvious way. Maybe you could ask her to come with you on some walks.

Yes, my mother took this approach with me and it's one of the reasons I spent so little time with her in the holidays and no longer trust her to help me with anything I'm concerned about.

Lots of mothers are their child's first bully.

Do you think she doesn't already know she's gained weight? Do you think your input will make her feel motivated and grateful?

We have an obesity epidemic in this country and if a concerned mum can’t even talk to her daughter about a belly roll, what hope do we have!

Because a belly roll is not necessarily the precursor to the person becoming obese? Because it is not the most important issue for a young person at uni?

@TheMrsCampbellBlack the OP has said she has decided not to mention it.

My mum let me know i'd put on weight at uni - and that she "wasn't the only one who had noticed". It hadn't actually occurred to me that I might look bad, and it felt awful to hear her words.

I lost the weight by starving myself and have had a pretty disordered relationship with food ever since.

My relationship with my mother is fragile and surface only. She is very judgemental about weight (and other things), can't seem to stop herself from commenting, and also does the 'subtle' thing.

Hope that helps.

It's probably the bubble teas and iced coffees. I'm a lecturer and the students are slurping them constantly. The calories must be insane. A few weeks off those and the weight will probably fall off without needing a discussion.

I thought you were going to say she was 10 or something. She’s 20, she’s an adult and can make her own choices about what she eats and how much. If she brings it up then you can talk to her about it, if she doesn’t then don’t. Lots of people put on weight at uni and lose it again, too much beer and too much pizza usually

@LoandBeahold I have. What do you think I’m missing? You disagree that almost everyone has told you not to raise this?!

This times a thousand!