To ask for your help in talking to my DD about her weight

[LoandBeahold]

DD(20) recently came home after her 2nd year at uni and I'm worried about how much weight she's gained.

She's always been slim and sporty but now has a sizeable roll around her middle. She's 5ft 2in so any weight gain is very noticeable. She's looking chunky.

She has no MH issues btw. Works hard at her studies and PT job, has boyfriend and lots of friends and a busy social life.

I'm more concerned about potential health problems than her appearance- she's very attractive.

Any tips on how I can broach this as DH thinks I should keep quiet but I think I'd be letting her down as her mum if I ignored it.

I think most people are confused as to why you think your seemingly intelligent adult daughter needs to be told by her mother that she’s put on weight.

You don't have to take our advice. You are welcome to speak to your daughter however you like.

It's curious how angry this makes you though.

It's curious how angry this makes you though

You're projecting. I'm not in the least bit angry but I am surprised at how wound up some people are getting.

I suspect a lot of people on this thread have their own experience of being approached about their weight and didn't find it particularly helpful. That may explain it.

Its not about being fragile it's just thr height of arrogance to assume a grown woman like your daughter is somehow unaware she's put on weight or that she needs you to "help" her lose it...

You're the one describing people as fragile etc.

I was/am slim. Just naturally so. But I have seen how friends/housemates had mothers who policed their waistlines and the harm it caused them.

Don’t say a word about it, as it won’t end well, let her be , she will already know and it’s normal for uni students, could be the other way where she isn’t eating enough and that would be far worse.

I can understand your concern as you seem someone who is generally interested in/focused on being healthy. As others have said, I think the switch from school to uni often comes with weight gain because of a whole load of lifestyle choices. Convenience and saving money are big ones! It’s also true to say that a 18 year old’s body is going to change as they enter their twenties and she may hold weight differently and her body shape may move away from being as thin as she was as a child because she’s becoming a women.

I think disordered eating is often triggered by comments from well meaning (or not so well meaning) loved ones so I think that is why a lot of people have replied the way they have. Your daughter knows she has gained weight and doesn’t need even a very loving gentle word from you. Enjoy your time with her over the summer and don’t see it as some sort of boot camp otherwise you’re straying into ‘almond mum’ territory.

If she mentions something, that’s a big green light that she’s not happy and you can offer support (“can I help in any way”) but until then, just be happy that she’s happy and in the grand scheme of things healthy.

I wouldn't say anything. If she has put on enough weight for her clothes to fit differently she will know already, and she is an adult so if she's chosen not to worry about it, it's not your place to interfere.

If you are at all active yourself, you could maybe invite her to join you in some outdoor exercise that isn't obviously aimed at reducing weight. "I'm thinking of going for a walk on the moor/entering this fun run in aid of the Sick Goats' Fund/going kayaking with Pam and Jenny at the weekend, do you fancy coming along?" But only if it is something you would plausibly do anyway!

I had a modicum of sympathy prior to this post but you just showed yourself up, OP. People aren’t fragile by explaining the impact these sorts of conversations have, they’re trying to share their experience to save you from damaging your relationship with your DD. If you don’t want to listen, that’s fine. It’s a free world.

FWIW, you’re not a loving parent if you’re fat shaming your child.

I had a modicum of sympathy prior to this post but you just showed yourself up, OP.

I've clearly hit a nerve with you.

DD and I went out for brunch today. Our lovely neighbour was there with her equally lovely daughter and granddaughters.

DD and I had scrambled eggs on sourdough toast. Our neighbours were finishing their burgers with fries and deciding which cakes to have. The mother and daughter are obese and the granddaughters are already overweight.

I've watched the daughter grow up and wondered why her mum didn't change her eating to set an example to her daughter and that might also have had a positive impact on how she raised her own daughters. Surely that's what loving parents do? The dads are reed thin so they are culpable.

We ordered coffee and I asked DD if she'd like a cake. She said "let's make some at home." I think she gets it.

Clearly you’re perfect then OP and don’t need any advice. Great!

Your halo is in the post 🙄

Also your home made cake may have just as many calories in as one bought from the cafe.

I don't get this. She's still having cake if you're having it at home.

Agree with other here. YABU to try to police your ADULT daughter's weight. Way to give her a complex!

Simple. You don't. She's an adult and you support her without judgement on her weight or appearance

I don’t think your brunch story reveals anything really about healthy eating choices/diet. Thin people eat burgers and cakes, overweight people eat salads or scrambled eggs. No food is inherently bad or good for you so the different restaurant orders aren’t indicating much apart from your judgement of the food they chose.

I agree that when you have children at home, you are responsible for ensuring they eat a varied and balanced diet and understand healthy living. I think once they leave home, you have to trust that those lessons stick with them and not become hyper focused on it. As I said before, disordered eating often comes from others commenting about your eating/weight. The overweight people you seem fairly quick to judge may have had their own well meaning parents creating their own unhealthy relationship with food through things like controlling access to ‘bad’ food, through commenting on their looks or by commenting on the weight and food choices of people around them. I know it feels like a pile on but that’s because calling someone out for their weight is never going to go well and is a potential disaster for a mother daughter relationship. You said you think she ‘gets it’ so why not give her the benefit of the doubt to find her own fitness regime/healthy eating lifestyle without showing her you’re judging her too.

@LoandBeahold No nerve here, I just recognise piss poor parenting when I see it. You think your cake is somehow less fattening than a shop bought one? Enjoy your superiority whilst it lasts.

Following your lead, no doubt DD will lose the "sizeable roll around her middle".
Hopefully the years of food trauma won't turn her into a binge eater.
I'm sure you have used side eyes and sneering comments about "neighbours daughter" in the past, with DD in earshot, or other fat people who have passed you.
There is a middle ground, being restrictive and judgemental is as bad as daily chicken nuggets.

OP what size was she and is she now? You seem to be avoiding this question

I'm sure you have used side eyes and sneering comments about "neighbours daughter" in the past, with DD in earshot, or other fat people who have passed you.

No I've not.

You think your cake is somehow less fattening than a shop bought one?

It's about the ingredients and portion size.

OP what size was she and is she now? You seem to be avoiding this question

No idea. Shall I ask her to pop on the scales for you? She's gaining weight around her middle.

Maybe she’s pregnant

The more you post the more it sounds like your daughter is about 12 but she's 20 isn't she?!

She's a very mature 20 year old who realised she could bake a cheaper, tastier, healthier cake than those being ordered by our neighbours.

And she's going to the gym before work tomorrow!

Glad I took the advice offered on here and didn't say anything about her weight. She's figuring it out.