To ask for your help in talking to my DD about her weight

[LoandBeahold]

DD(20) recently came home after her 2nd year at uni and I'm worried about how much weight she's gained.

She's always been slim and sporty but now has a sizeable roll around her middle. She's 5ft 2in so any weight gain is very noticeable. She's looking chunky.

She has no MH issues btw. Works hard at her studies and PT job, has boyfriend and lots of friends and a busy social life.

I'm more concerned about potential health problems than her appearance- she's very attractive.

Any tips on how I can broach this as DH thinks I should keep quiet but I think I'd be letting her down as her mum if I ignored it.

So you think your hypothetical son would be too stupid to notice for himself that he’d put on weight too? You don’t have very high expectations of your children’s intelligence (hypothetical or otherwise)

“Freshman 15.” Lots of nights out, unhealthy convenience food and take aways. She’ll know it herself and sort it out when she feels inclined. In my opinion we shouldn't comment on other women’s bodies, whether we gave birth to them or not.

Thank you @ThatRoseBear for your very considered post.

I've taken on board what people have said and won't bring up her weight gain. I started this thread for help in opening the discussion and I think the best way is having some chats about healthy eating and making the right choices. Not in a lecturing way - DD would ignore that 😊- but we cook together sometimes and also go food shopping together.

My mother died when I was a child so don't really have a road map for the early adult relationship. DD and I are very close and I hate the thought of her being hurt by me the way your mum hurt you.

Honestly, OP, I think she'll see right through some chats about making the right choices and healthy eating. I know I did. I'm sure you want to do the right thing - please don't think you can be subtle here. The poor girl will be hyper aware of her weight gain and of your response to it.

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing your mum as a child must have been very hard.

Be careful even here , you may think you are being subtle but she'll know your agenda. You seem not to credit her with any intelligence. I am sure she knows she is larger. I am sure she knows she hasn't been eating healthily. She may even have her own plans to get healthy.

Her health is her business.

By all means live healthily yourself. But in all honesty I would just stop thinking about it as your responsibility to shape her waistline and focus on enjoying her company and focus on her as a person not her body.

So you’re going to save the world by having a word with your daughter?

Don't say anything. She is an adult. It sounds as though she is living an active happy life. She knows she has put on weight. She doesn't need you to tell her.
And from your description it doesn't sound as though she is obese anyway

Please don’t have a gentle word about making the right choices. She’ll know exactly what you’re on about.

Surely, if more people had a gentle word when someone they loved started gaining weight, we could have avoided the mess we're in now.

Literally nobody in the history of mankind has been overweight purely because nobody mentioned it to them. Nobody has ever gone “Oh yes! Now that you mention it, I have put on a bit! I hadn’t noticed! I will change immediately, thanks.” She will know very well that she has a little roll. And if she wants to get rid of it I’m sure she knows how- there’s huge sections of the internet devoted to it.

OP I’m sure you have best intentions but please don’t say anything.

I have had a lifetime of my mum making gentle and helpful comments and all it achieved was to upset me and cause a bit of a rift between us.

Now my DD is struggling with her weight and I am determined not to make the same mistake even if it means biting my tongue in half. I eat healthily around her and make sure that when she is at home the meals we have are sensible. Beyond that there is nothing I / you can do.

She sounds lovely

She is. I'm very lucky.

I’m so glad this thread went the way I hoped. Definitely do not say anything. She’s had a lifestyle change, if she’s always been fit and healthy it will not be a long term issue. Don’t say anything.

Disagree.
If parent can't bring it up, who can?
It is always going to be a sensitive issue.
How overweight is your daughter?
If she's gained a few pounds / half a stone ( approx), I would leave it

Disagree.
If parent can't bring it up, who can?

Nobody needs to bring it up. The DD is an adult and I’m sure she has a mirror. Someone else telling her what she already knows isn’t going to do anything beneficial.

Noone needs to bring it up.
People know when they are getting larger /smaller.
And getting healthier only works when people do it for themselves.

This is exactly the kind of stuff my mother used to spout when she repeatedly commented on my weight after I used to come back home. And therefore for a while I avoided her. Your daughter will not thank you for it, it’s definitely not your ‘duty’ your ‘reasoning’ here is very disingenuous. I’m a similar height and short people often find their own ways of keeping weight in check. I put on weight in year one of Uni and took up running in year 2 which helped a lot. Pay her some nice compliments instead and be grateful she is happy and healthy.

Better to model good behaviour and diet yourself

My mum and my nan had plenty of 'gentle words' with me about my weight when I was young.

All it did was make me try a new crash diet every few months, and extremely insecure about my weight. I'm in my 40s now, thinking seriously about taking Mounjaro because I'm 17 stone. But I don't believe it would actually work, so what's the point - every other diet I've tried has failed.

Do you know when you've gained weight? Assuming you do - because it's your body - why do you think your daughter doesn't?

Mind your own business. End of.

OP am sorry for the loss of your mum as a child and hope this thread has helped. Most uni students now gain weight in first year, usually through alcohol .
i actually don’t think there is anything wrong with discussing her alcohol consumption with her and if she is making sensible choices in an appropriate way, not about her weight. This would concern me more than weight gain

I went to uni and put weight on and spent 30 years battling obesity. I wish somebody had said something to me at the time when the weight started to go on.

Had you not noticed yourself? Didn’t you realise your clothes were getting tight?

Thank you @DCorMe

DD has just finished her 2nd year. She doesn't drink much so it's not alcohol related.

That kind of “subtle chat” is never subtle and always hurtful. Your husband and pretty much everyone on here is saying leave well alone but you are ignoring that very good advice.

Didn’t you know?

Of course I realised. With hindsight I think a word from my mum would have helped. Obesity is normalised and it shouldn’t be.