To ask for your help in talking to my DD about her weight

[LoandBeahold]

DD(20) recently came home after her 2nd year at uni and I'm worried about how much weight she's gained.

She's always been slim and sporty but now has a sizeable roll around her middle. She's 5ft 2in so any weight gain is very noticeable. She's looking chunky.

She has no MH issues btw. Works hard at her studies and PT job, has boyfriend and lots of friends and a busy social life.

I'm more concerned about potential health problems than her appearance- she's very attractive.

Any tips on how I can broach this as DH thinks I should keep quiet but I think I'd be letting her down as her mum if I ignored it.

Cook healthy meals over the summer, avoid buying unhealthy snacks, suggest exercise together (swimming? Park run?).

Put your relationship before your judgement. Shaming her will backfire - and any negative comment you make on her shape and size will push her away.

If her shape has changed so much that she's now morbidly obese, you might say something from genuine fear for her health. If that's not the case then keep schtum. No one ever died from an extra roll as you so charmingly put it.

If her size bothers her and you have a supportive relationship, maybe she'll talk to you about wanting to lose weight - but she'll only do that if she feels safe. And that's her call, not yours. She won't come to you if you're judgemental.

She has no MH issues btw
So why start trying to give her some now?

It was the ‘Freshers Stone’ when I was at Uni. I gained it, I lost it.

If you had a son would you be so concerned? Probably you wouldn't particularly notice (because men aren't so expected to be slim, leaning towards emaciated )and if you did you probably wouldn't say anything.

If above applies then that shows you it isn't about health, it's about internalised views about fat, sexism and who owns women's bodies (not the person - everyone else can judge and have an opinion!)

You don’t comment on her weight. She sounds like she’s happy. I wonder if you’re actually that worried about potential health problems or more that she won’t be “very attractive” if she’s bigger?

It's probably a combination of too much junk food and too much drink. She's finding her feet away from home and I'd say it's very common. She'll be aware of it. Just cook healthy meals and don't have any junk food in over the summer and encourage her in some basic meal cooking for when she goes back.

Don't put a wall between you over it. She really won't thank you.

This

You sound extremely shallow. Something to think about. Your faux concern for her 'health' is blindingly obvious

How is it shallow or "faux" to be concerned that my daughter is making unhealthy food choices that are causing her to gain weight?

When I was at uni, hardly anyone was overweight. Now we have a real problem with obesity so I don't think it's inevitable that she'll lose weight when she graduates.

YABVU

Do not comment on her weight. Do not change the meals you make for her, unless she requests it.

Now that your DD is an adult, avoid unsolicited advice at all costs if you want to keep a good relationship with her.

You would be so far out of line to say anything about this. She’s 20 - a bit of extra weight is extremely unlikely to have a serious health impact at her age.

Instead I would make sure that she has sufficient money and/or equipment to get access to healthy food. And say nothing about her weight.

Maybe she won’t lose it, maybe she’ll love her body as it is and won’t feel the need to lose weight. Who are you to judge?

She’s an adult and can look after herself. I’d be so angry if my mum commented on my weight - I’m 26 so have been out of uni for around 4 years.

I wonder if you’re actually that worried about potential health problems or more that she won’t be “very attractive” if she’s bigger?

No. I mentioned how attractive she is to give context. She'll still be good looking if she gains more weight - just like my friend who is 26 stone and very pretty. But struggles to walk down the street though.

Surely, if more people had a gentle word when someone they loved started gaining weight, we could have avoided the mess we're in now.

I really hope you listen to the previous posters and keep quiet.

shes 20 and presumably more than capable of noticing if she’s gained weight. You don’t need to intervene, she has to decide things for herself.

But what do you think your ‘gentle word’ will achieve? Do you genuinely think she hasn’t noticed? You don’t have much faith in her intelligence levels if that’s the case.

How is your relationship with food/your own weight? I think you really need to think about that and don’t consider having any conversations about this with your daughter. She doesn’t owe the world ‘slim and attractive’ and it is not your job now she is an adult to police her life style choices. If as a previous poster says she becomes morbidly obese and you have genuine health concerns then might be the time to offer support (not judgement) But at the moment please do not even raise the issue at all.

Ahh if all it took was a gentle word for people to lose weight.

My mum comments on my weight - all it does is make me feel rubbish and dread seeing her.

100% of the replies have told you not to say anything to your daughter - please listen and keep quiet.

The poster is 100% going to take no notice of all the posts saying it’s a bad idea 😂

University campuses these days seem to have a coffee shop in every building, but I think the healthy options are there if you look for them, especially with the trends for vegan food and whole foods.

I went the opposite way at university in my second and third year due to lack of money. A typical day was:

Breakfast:
Porridge made with water with a few raisins

Lunch:
Pasta with some cheese grated on top

Dinner:
Mince ‘fried’ in water with some tinned tomatoes and more pasta.

Snack:
Apples and cups of value tea

Looking back, I am horrified at how little I ate but it would probably help me to loose weight if I tried it again now!

Show me the research that shows that an effective catalyst for people to lose weight (in a sustained and healthy way) was someone telling them they are overweight....spoiler, this is not an effective way for people to lose weight.

Your daughter may or may not want to lose the weight, and either is fine. I do understand that you care about her health, but the only appropriate thing at this point is to model a healthy lifestyle yourself. Engage in a discussion if she brings it up. Anything else is overstepping.

But I don't understand, you're referring to weight gain as "a mess"? As if it's any of your business, shes a grown adult!! You sound like a very shallow person.

That's just not how it works .

Just leave your adult daughter alone.

My friends whose mums "gently commented" on their weight ended up with hideously disordered eating and deep insecurities

Er she's an adult, keep your nose out and leave her to it. I'm sure she is aware she's gained weight she doesn't need you 'talking to her about it'