To ask for your help in talking to my DD about her weight

[LoandBeahold]

DD(20) recently came home after her 2nd year at uni and I'm worried about how much weight she's gained.

She's always been slim and sporty but now has a sizeable roll around her middle. She's 5ft 2in so any weight gain is very noticeable. She's looking chunky.

She has no MH issues btw. Works hard at her studies and PT job, has boyfriend and lots of friends and a busy social life.

I'm more concerned about potential health problems than her appearance- she's very attractive.

Any tips on how I can broach this as DH thinks I should keep quiet but I think I'd be letting her down as her mum if I ignored it.

Do you not want her to ever come back again? If you don't, go ahead, criticise her figure and that'll pretty much be the last you see of her.

My dd is 19 and just finished 1st year. I went to collect her last week and could see she wasn’t a slim as usual.

i asked why she didn’t put her shorts on as it was hot - her reply ‘look, I’ve gained weight, they’re tight!’…………she knew, your Dd will know - don’t say anything unless you want to upset her

Surely, if more people had a gentle word when someone they loved started gaining weight, we could have avoided the mess we're in now.

How will that help? She will be well aware she has gained a little weight, how will you pointing it out help? Would you tell another adult at work for instance they’ve gained weight? She’s your daughter but she’s also an adult so you need to leave it alone

Do you have eating issues @LoandBeahold?
Just wondering if you're projecting.
If not, let her be.

Don't do it. Everyone puts on weight at uni. She's an adult and will figure it out herself.

My mother constantly banged on about my weight and it did not make me lose it.

us fatties know we are overweight we don't need it pointed out or a gentle word about it!

Oh my god. Mind your business! Is it bothering you because you see her as less attractive now and that reflects back on your own attractiveness? She sounds very happy. You taking her aside to talk about her belly will have a huge impact on her mental health. Think on.

Don’t say a think DD is 19, she’s put weight on .. I’ve not said a thing. She came to me 2 days ago, to say she wanted to lose weight and asking for help … so I’m helping.

YABVU. She’s an adult. She knows. It’s her choice when or if she addresses it.

Don't say anything. People leaving home often eat favourite rubbish for a while and gain weight. Don't be like a now ex friend who constantly called her daughter a big girl (she wasn't, just a stone or so overweight) and called out her weight gain. Daughter went through a period of self harm and has now distanced herself geographically which was a positive move for the daughter to make. It's no reflection on you that she has gained weight, leave her be.

She s 20
KEEP QUIET

all you can do is when shopping that you buy lots of different food options while she is here for the summer.

that is all you can do. You say nothing. You have a happy child be grateful

Has she had a hard time at uni? I'd check all is ok. If it is, I would imagine she will lose the weight herself in her own time. Ultimately transition to uni can be difficult and life at uni can be very busy - it takes time to adjust.

Your DH is right. Stop being a judgmental old woman.

You say nothing. My mother had a 'gentle word' with me....brought my self esteem crashing down and to be honest it never really recovered. I'm now 40 with dreadful body image issues.

You’re quite right, of course no one would ever be overweight if their overbearing, judgemental mother’s didn’t step in early enough to let them know… oh wait.
She’ll know full well that she’s put weight on. It’s up to her whether or not she does anything about it.

"The freshman 15 (pounds)" was a thing when I went to uni in the early 00s!

It's normal and something that a lot of students go through. It'll come off again in due course.

And for what it's worth, she'll know she's put on weight. You don't really need to tell her.

It would be enormously unhelpful for you to intervene in the way you suggest. Your daughter is an adult in an environment where young people's looks are under constant scrutiny because they are surrounded by their peers and they are at the mercy of their own and each other's hang-ups. How likely do you think it is that a twenty year old with some extra padding is unaware that she weighs more than the gazelle with the latest thing in designer togs and Macbooks sitting just behind her in the lecture hall? Of course she knows.

The typical student environment is obesigenic, with many opportunities to eat badly, especially when you've an assignment pending or an exam to get through. I'm doing my PhD and given my age, I'm more fuelled on coffee and bowls of pasta than bags of Haribo and pizza, but I'm very familiar with the imperative to do whatever it takes to chase a deadline and get my work done. Don't you think your daughter would be rather upset if she thought you cared more about how she looks than whether she's happy and reaching her academic goals? She sounds lovely, but she's not at university to win beauty contests and nor are her peers, whatever their weight and size.

Leave. Her. Alone.

Spellcheck - obesogenic. That's what comes of relying on autocorrect. 😬

Do not mention her weight, that is none of your business. You will make her feel terrible, if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.

@LoandBeahold you're clearly not going to take advice on this, so good luck maintaining a relationship with your DD but don't be surprised when she ends up going low contact I'm sure you'll be back on here wondering why

Please don't talk to her. This was me. I drank too much, piled in the weight and felt bad enough when clothes no longer fit. I sorted it out post uni. She will know and she's an adult. Last thing she needs is her Mum telling her she's overweight.

Presumably your daughter has functioning eyes that allow her to see her body and she gets herself dressed in her clothes each day and is aware of how they fit. Why on Earth does she therefore need to hear your comments on her body?

Ffs, just leave her alone!

She’s 20 not 12. Lots of people gain a bit in university/first time living independently. At 20 she will be aware, and it will also fall off easily when she makes a few changes. Be there if she asks, but no one at that stage in life needs their mum calling them fat!