To ask for your help in talking to my DD about her weight

[LoandBeahold]

DD(20) recently came home after her 2nd year at uni and I'm worried about how much weight she's gained.

She's always been slim and sporty but now has a sizeable roll around her middle. She's 5ft 2in so any weight gain is very noticeable. She's looking chunky.

She has no MH issues btw. Works hard at her studies and PT job, has boyfriend and lots of friends and a busy social life.

I'm more concerned about potential health problems than her appearance- she's very attractive.

Any tips on how I can broach this as DH thinks I should keep quiet but I think I'd be letting her down as her mum if I ignored it.

100%!!!!!

Presumably if she is bright enough to get into uni and live away from home, she doesn't have the sort of cognitive difficulties that would stop her understanding that she has put weight on and also knowing about methods of weight loss. She knows she's put on weight. She knows her neurotic mother is DYING to mention it. She'll shift the weight soon.

I strongly recommend that you do NOT broach the subject of her weight with your daughter. If you have noticed that she's gained weight, then it's an absolute certainty that she is very aware of it herself. She will not appreciate you mentioning it, I'm sure. Rest assured, she's aware - and she will tackle it in her own way when she feels that she needs to.

OP, I understand where you are coming from but don't have a gentle word. She is home with you until September. Could you join a gym together and ask for her to motivate you in getting fitter. Or as someone else suggested Park Run? If nothing else establishing an exercise routine will help her long term and may be you could pay for a gym membership if she likes it when she gets back to university? Her diet may not have been balanced so you could include her in meal plans and prep so she understands nutrition etc...
Only do this if you can be subtle, if you say something she won't forget it. I came back from uni heavier and I will always remember being on a ladder and painting. My mom looked up and make a one off comment about my stomach, it really hurt. I lost the weight( through a really physical job) but 25 years on still remember how the comment made me feel

Leave it alone.

I really don't think there is any way for you to broach the subject of her weight gain without making her feel bad about herself. She sounds like she's happy and thriving at uni, isn't that the important thing?

A convo like that is never going to end well!!
she’ll be well aware that she’s put on weight, it’s not unusual at uni with the drinking and takeaways.

You mention she’s attractive .. are you concerned that she won’t be deemed as attractive by others with extra weight, ie your friends and family?

Why do you think she doesn’t know that she’s put on weight?

Her clothes will be tighter or she may have even gone up a size.

She will see herself in the mirror and in pictures and obviously notice the difference.

What reason do you have to think that she’s oblivious to her own weight gain?

Leave her alone. Your DH is correct.

Christ on a bike, why would even think about saying something?

My daughter has been putting on weight steadily since she left home (20 years ago!). I am considerably overweight and this has impacted my life and my health hugely. I have never commented on her weight, and have ensured that she has her favourite things to eat when she comes to stay, but I have never overfed her or tried to get her to eat more than she wants or needs.

She usually comes to stay with me every 3 months or so, and before her last stay she told me that she is now making a concerted effort to lose some weight, so I asked her what she would like me to get in for her, and ensured that the meals I provided were healthy and lower fat/calorie (not buying her favourite honey nut cornflakes, for instance.)

I wouldn't speak to her about it unless she does first, and then if she does just ask her what you can do to help. Try to make sure that the food you offer isn't too unhealthy, lots of veg, salads, lean meat rather than lasagne and fish and chips, but don't limit her intake. If she wants to do that herself, she will.

Surely, if more people had a gentle word when someone they loved started gaining weight, we could have avoided the mess we're in now.

The problem with this is that a 'gentle word' will usually result in the person going on a diet. OP, over 95% of people who go on a diet regain the weight plus extra within 3 years. Getting into a diet-regain cycle is how we got into this mess.

Most people do not want to be overweight and they realise when they start gaining weight. But in trying to address it, they often make themselves fatter in the long run.

Diets are a disaster and most things that sell themselves as 'not a diet, a lifestyle change!' are still diets. Restricting calories, restricting food types, getting into a restrictive mindset full stop sets a lot of young women off into a lifelong battle that only leads to weight gain.

I'm not making it up; study after study proves the catastrophic effect of dieting on weight. A lot of well-intended interventions from mother to daughter have the absolute opposite effect to what's intended.

Young people now get much better messages about strength, muscle and nutrition rather than thinness. There is no way that a 20 year old woman at university isn't aware of her weight gain and of the ways in which she can best address it, if she wants to.

You telling her that she should lose weight is not necessary, not helpful and very likely harmful.

If you think she has vision problems which means she can’t see herself in a mirror, book her an opticians appointment. Otherwise, leave her alone - her body, her choice!

It won’t be a “gentle word”. You will make her feel awkward, ugly and ashamed. She will take a big step back from you as a result. Ask me how I know.

Surely, if more people had a gentle word when someone they loved started gaining weight, we could have avoided the mess we're in now

Trust me, the "gentle word" doesn't help. I've been there. She knows she's put some weight on. You reminding her, what do you think it does? Makes her feel a bit ashamed? Shame never actually makes people lose weight. They gain weight because food is nice and makes you feel good. When you are ashamed you actually eat more because it makes you feel better.

Instead of focussing on her weight, be supportive of a healthy lifestyle. Build movement into your daily life - suggest cycling somewhere instead of driving. Offer to take her to the swimming pool.

It’s not gentle words that work but modelling good choices, children do as we do not do as we say. If she knows how to cook and has healthy eating habits learned from home she’s going to lose that weight quickly once she learns how to adult properly.

Agree with others, of course she knows she’s gained weight. She’s not blind to it. Don’t say anything.

She’s an adult. I think you’d be massively overstepping.

I'm not making it up; study after study proves the catastrophic effect of dieting on weight. A lot of well-intended interventions from mother to daughter have the absolute opposite effect to what's intended.

This really is so true. My mother's "gentle words" pushed me from a size 12 to a size 16.

My other sister, who wasn't nagged for various reasons, picked up some really good exercise habits and as a result is a very healthy size 10.

Sounds like your dd's weight gain is causing some shame to surface in you.
Are you embarrassed by her appearance now?
Did you take a lot of pride in her appearance previously?
Do you feel it reflects badly on you?

If you genuinely feel like you'll be letting her down by not saying anything, it's okay to have these feelings but it doesn't mean you have to act on them to alleviate your own guilt.
This is an opportunity for you to manage your own feelings of inadequacy.

Do your DD a favour and do not say anything about her weight, especially not passively aggressively and for the love of god do not call her "chunky".

SAY NOTHING.

Your DD is at university, so let's assume she's a reasonably intelligent woman and that she'll know she's put on some weight. She doesn't need her mother telling her.

The fact that her you're even considering talking to her about this makes me worry more about your judgement and attitude to food than hers.

Everyone I know put uni weight at uni! It tends to sort itself out once uni is over and you start living like a normal human again.

Interesting as well that you seem to equate weight gain with mental ill health. 🤔

I had a mate at uni with a mum who felt qualified to comment on her weight. Despite her being the most active of our peer group and a perfect size 10, she was nevertheless shamed by her parent, in the guise of “worrying about her health”, into dieting to lose the weight she gained whilst at uni, and thereafter triggering a lifetime of disordered eating and judging herself.

You're not the arbiter of what is good, or healthy.

I wish someone had given my mum the following advice

DONT

What followed for me was a summer of eating 500 calories a day, my first haemorrhoid and lifelong digestive issues.

Could have been much worse but 22 years later I'm still fixing my relationship with food from the confusing messages of my youth.

If she's gained a stone or so is a size 12 or whatever as it sounds she's grand. If she's gained 6 stone and is a size 18 having been a 10 a year ago I'd maybe be probing about her wellbeing not from the weight but the rapid change in her way of eating. (This is not because it's horrific if she's a size 18 it's the amount of change in a short period)

She's 20
She will know she's gained weight. You mentioning it will not help anyone

Perfect!

What size is she?x

When I was at uni most of my friends put on weight. 30 years later, we're all healthy weights.