To ask for your help in talking to my DD about her weight

[LoandBeahold]

DD(20) recently came home after her 2nd year at uni and I'm worried about how much weight she's gained.

She's always been slim and sporty but now has a sizeable roll around her middle. She's 5ft 2in so any weight gain is very noticeable. She's looking chunky.

She has no MH issues btw. Works hard at her studies and PT job, has boyfriend and lots of friends and a busy social life.

I'm more concerned about potential health problems than her appearance- she's very attractive.

Any tips on how I can broach this as DH thinks I should keep quiet but I think I'd be letting her down as her mum if I ignored it.

Oh, wow. You are wrong and your husband is right. Keep your nose out of it unless you want to damage both her and your relationship with her.

You're absolutely correct. The term you're looking for is the 'Freshman fifteen'. It's an American expression, the fifteen referring to lbs (so around a stone)

Im quite sure ur 20 year old daughter is well aware she’s gained weight so u don’t need to point it out. She’s an adult and can make her own decisions. Doesn’t sound like she’s in danger of being so obese it’s impacting her quality of life. If she wants to lose weight she will

Quit with the concern trolling. If she's worried about her weight she will fix it. I would understand your point a bit more if she was several stone overweight (although even then I would go carefully with how I brought it up) but as it is, it just sounds as if you don't like how she looks and are trying to frame that as concern for her health.

She will know she’s gained weight and it’s difficult to imagine she doesn’t know that excess weight can potentially be a health issue. Do you really think telling her that you’ve noticed is going to make a positive difference long term?

Don't say anything!
She knows.

Do you really think that having a little word with someone will magically stop them from making the choices they currently are? I tried with my daughter, for years. She ignored me, for years.

Then randomly lost 5 stone last year and has a much more healthy lifestyle. But only she could make that decision, when she felt ready to

Plus it's 2025, people aren't obsessed with being a size 8 anymore

Your DH is right.

Absolutely do not say anything. She knows, it's not your duty as her Mum. Your Mum may have said things to you, but older generations and those of us who grew up in the 90s with nothing tastes as good as skinny feels as a mantra are the ones that are wrong. The younger generations have a much better attitude to body shape thankfully. A bit of extra weight round her tummy at 20 is not a serious health issue, it doesn't warrant your intervention. It's your deep seated insecurities speaking, don't foist them onto those hwove managed to avoid it. I blame Tyra.

OP am in a v similar position with my dd

her weight gain only became apparent v recently and I was quite shocked as she’s always been so sporty.

pretty sure it’s the booze that’s done it.

anyway she broached it with me. Of course she’s aware of it and she’s quite upset.

we just discussed some strategies for the summer and I promised to get lots of healthy stuff in for her to eat.

i think probably it was better that way round- if I had mentioned it first it might have made it an even bigger thing and made her even more upset.

Gentle word, FFS!

What do you think is happening now?
Do you think she isn't aware? Do you think she is aware, but doesn't take it seriously enough?

How do you personally plan to help the situation? Do you have some practical support in mind? Or do you think that having "a gentle word" is a magic bullet which will save the day?

Keep quiet. She knows she’s gained weight she doesn’t need you telling her.

My mother did this to me and my sister and we have both had body and self confidence issues ever since .

OP, you say she doesn't have any MH problems, how can you possibly know for sure? Maybe she does.

Anyway, you also sound like you don't like the way she looks now because there's no need going on about how attractive (ew) she was. Attractive to who? Maybe she likes how she looks now compared to before.

Your daughter is just becoming her own person let her find herself before you make her into a society 'beauty' follower. If she was so slim till now, there's very little chance a bit of weight gain in such a short time would cause any weight related illness. I doubt she's obese now.

She's going to be with you for a while. Just make healthy food choices and bond through exercise or something. But bare in mind she could be on medication that causes weight gain and it isn't strictly a food or exercise issue if she already does these.

Poor DD. I bet she's LOVED the freedom from you at uni.

Ha ha ha ha ha! A gentle word telling a fat person they are fat would stop them from being fat because you think they never knew? How dumb are you?

Fat people have been told they are fat since forever. Fat people get told they are fat daily. They get treated appallingly because of their weight and how society perceives them to be 'less than'.

Do you think that one more person saying they are fat amongst thousands who already told them, will change something?

Totally with your DH on this one - weight does not define her. Leave her alone she is an adult!!

keeo quiet !!

Thanks for replies. Some answers ...

What was her routine like before - did she used to do regular sport, does she still? Can she cook well?

Yes she used to go to do a team sport but quit just before A levels. I've told her I'll pay for gym membership whilst she's home.

Is there food restrictions at home? I find when bad foods are restricted at home, young adults over do it when they get the opportunity

No restrictions. Healthy meals plus treats. She's a good cook.

If you had a son would you be so concerned? Probably you wouldn't particularly notice (because men aren't so expected to be slim, leaning towards emaciated )and if you did you probably wouldn't say anything

Yes I would be concerned and yes I would speak to them.

I don't expect girls to be emaciated - just a healthy weight. Mothers of sons should want their boys to be healhy too.

OP will be very smugly thinking "this is why we have an obesity epidemic, people are too afraid to tell people they're fat!!"

That's not true. I'm fat and have been told that """"kindly"""" since I gained weight after leaving home. Every "gentle word" sent me into a shame binge spiral that made me fatter.

She knows she's gained weight. She'll either lose it or she won't. You telling her she's gained it will categorically NOT help her.

Do you genuinely think your adult daughter who is bright enough and switched on enough to go to uni, have a job and a good social life doesn’t know she is overweight?
what do you expect this “word” you plan this have with her to achieve? What will you do if she says it’s none of your fucking business?

She's looking chunky

What does this mean? What dress size is she? Some people see any size above a size 8/10 as chunky...are you like that op?

Just leave it. Offer to pay for gym membership/ exercise/ be active with her and cook her healthy meals.

I piled on weight at that age but lost it in my mid 20s without even trying.

Everyone puts on weight at uni. Don’t say anything to her. She’ll probably lose it as soon as she gets a job after graduating.