To ask for your help in talking to my DD about her weight

[LoandBeahold]

DD(20) recently came home after her 2nd year at uni and I'm worried about how much weight she's gained.

She's always been slim and sporty but now has a sizeable roll around her middle. She's 5ft 2in so any weight gain is very noticeable. She's looking chunky.

She has no MH issues btw. Works hard at her studies and PT job, has boyfriend and lots of friends and a busy social life.

I'm more concerned about potential health problems than her appearance- she's very attractive.

Any tips on how I can broach this as DH thinks I should keep quiet but I think I'd be letting her down as her mum if I ignored it.

They call is the ‘Freshers 15’ and it’s very very common. All the people I knew who gained weight at uni lost it very quickly when they got into the world of work and proper adulting.

No, @LoandBeahold , you are judgmental and come across as if you have a superior complex. Passing comment makes things worse. The absolute best way to lose weight is when you are happy and feel good.
unhelpful comments from people like you are not the way to help. I know, I've lived this my entire life. Beginning at being too skinny and then putting on too much weight during puberty. You will make things worse, not better, it's like you think she's too stupid to notice.
I'm glad she has your DH in her corner. The happier she is the better, she may lose it she may not but either way it isn't your business.
My boys fluctuate a bit but they are both fit and go to the gym regularly and they are happy.

Surely, if more people had a gentle word when someone they loved started gaining weight, we could have avoided the mess we're in now.

I promise you, parents having "gentle words" with their adult children about weight achieve nothing other than driving them into comfort eating. What on earth do you think you can realistically say to her that she doesn't know already?

If she mentions it and wants to lose weight, fine, have a chat about what you can do to help. Otherwise, your job is to accept her as she is and be there for her.

She's 20. Leave her alone.

Don’t! Keep your opinions and ideas to yourself.

If she wants to discuss her weight or any health matters with you, she will. Even then listen and be very, very careful not to express the opinions you’ve expressed in your posts.

She’s 20 years old and any food she puts in her mouth is absolutely nothing to do with you. Nothing she does regarding her body has anything to do with you anymore. Leave it out.

There’s no such thing as a ‘gentle’ word about weight.
She knows she’s put weight on. Leave the poor girl alone.

I am 5”2 and put on a stone in my first term of uni! Was a size 8 when I started.
uni lifestyle is so unhealthy and lots of drinking. I found as soon as I was home for Christmas or summer holidays weight naturally fell off.

don’t worry about it, I’m sure it’s temporary xxx

Please don’t. I grew up with constant commentary about my weight. It lives in your head forever.

Don't be an idiot. She doesn't need your comment on her weight.

I gained weight in uni (all the takeaways and pints!), I soon lost it once I was working and not living the uni life. It’s really none of your business, I’m sure she’s very aware she’s put on weight - everyone couldn’t help but tell me how ‘well’ I was looking when I got home 😂

I’m wondering why you started this thread at all if you clearly had no intention of taking on board the opinions of others? Which, incidentally, have universally said you should keep quiet.

I’m sure she’s aware she’s bigger, so what positive insight do you think she’ll gain by you pointing it out to her? All it will convey is that her mum is judging her appearance, thinks she looks worse and should do something about it. It doesn’t convey the unconditional love and support children look to their parents for.

My sister has a pretty severe eating disorder. She’s in her 40’s. She recently told me it stemmed from our mother and grandma constantly commenting on her weight. Leave your adult daughter alone to make her own choices.

My thoughts exactly

I’d leave it for the time being. She’s probably eating a load of student crap food, at odd hours of the day, and indulging in alcohol. Keep an eye on it, make sure lots of fruit and veg is available while she is home, send her back with some vitamin pills, and see how she is once uni is finished.

The issues I have around using food for comfort and emotional support stem from my mother. I was fine as a young adult student. Do not say anything to her. How do you think you will say anything which will not seem like a criticism, because that's what it is? Would you say anything to a colleague or friend? If you answer yes to that then you have form for overstepping!

Blimey.

You say she looks chunky but you are not concerned with how she looks?
Of course she's not going to get heart disease or diabetes from gaining a few pounds at 20.
Don't say anything. She knows what size clothes she's now wearing.

I agree.

I mean, I wouldn’t say anything to her because I don’t see how it would help. But I think the posters who are saying “ah well, she’ll lose it when she graduates” are a bit naive. It’s probably just as likely that the weight gain continues, given the obesity statistics.

I agree with PP that you should not opine on her weight.

I do think if you’re concerned about her health you can maybe have a bit of a chat around her finances if you are in a position to help. Even then you can’t control what she spends her money on.

I am probably projecting but my reason for saying this is when I was at uni I had to work a LOT to fund my (subsidized halls) accommodation, and 100% of my living expenses. I was very conscious of my student loans and that if I would remain in London after graduation I’d need to sort my deposit, rent, higher COL once I lost my PT job and the subsidized accommodation. I could not afford to participate in sports clubs/gym, and I didn’t have money for a well balanced supermarket shop of fresh fruit, veg, decent meat or vitamins (though I did try my best).

Surely, if more people had a gentle word when someone they loved started gaining weight, we could have avoided the mess we're in now.

Unfortunately I think you’re a little deluded with this comment. A “gentle word from someone you love” is not suddenly going to make overweight people slim. It’s really not that easy. I was always slim until my early 20s when I lived alone and just…ate a bit more. I put on a fair bit of weight, and I knew it. I didn’t need my mum, or anyone else, to tell me. If my mum had given me a “gentle word” I would’ve felt embarrassed but nothing would’ve changed. I already knew I was getting chunky and didn’t have much willpower. I was never huge, don’t get me wrong, but went up a couple of clothes sizes for sure. I know you want to help your daughter, but she has a mirror, she can see her body. If she wanted to/could do something about it, she would, with or without your gentle word.
If only it was so simple to solve “the mess we’re in now” with a gentle word.

Like hell is this anything to do with her health.

🙄

Do. Not. Mention.

Any tips on how I can broach this

Don’t