Just Snapped

[WeddingWTF]

Not sure how to word this and have obviously name changed for this.

A few months ago my husbands brother was getting married. Me and dh have been having issues for a while now mainly about his family. Anyway the day of the wedding came and dh was away helping his brother. I honestly don't know what came over me but something in me just snapped and I thought I am not going to this wedding.

I spoke to my dh and told him that I wasn't coming and even though there was tension it was fine.

Roll on to later in the evening and I had drunk a bottle of wine. Dh was ignoring my texts and blanking me. I am so ashamed to say that a red mist came over me and over 20 years of shit that I had put up with from all of them came out.

I texted each and every member of his family and told them what I thought of them and texted the bride telling her that basically she had always treated me horrible and her now dh had been shagging everything with a pulse behind her back and constantly tried it on with me on nights out. I also said that her now dh has wanted to fuck her best friend for years and always go's on about how he got with the wrong friend. Absolutely nothing I said was untrue but obviously the fall out has been nuclear and dh has now left me, his family aren't talking to me and have blocked me on everything.

On one hand I feel so ashamed at what I've done and said because there were better ways to go about things. I feel so sorry for dh and what I've done to him.

On the other hand. Honestly I have put up with so much that I just genuinely snapped.

As resignations go that was epic.
It is also a lesson in not putting things off; over the years you have not said things for sake of a quiet life. You have suffered for this. Your self destruction of family relationships is a cost of the pressure to stay "normal" as a family.
@WeddingWTF Explain to your son, maybe let him read all of this.
Do copy all of your txts and messages with a view to writing and publishing. It may not earn you a million but it would make a good magazine article.
Immediate future, head held high, look people in the eye and work out future for you and your lad.
When he tells his mates about it he will be a hero for having a feisty Mum.
Best of Luck

This. Not attending the wedding is statement enough. What you did was callous, pre meditated and absolutely vile. I’m glad your dh left you as I would never trust you again. You will have not just burnt bridges but blown them up.

Hope it was worth giving the opinion no one needs or asked for. And on someone’s wedding day? Unforgivable.

What an epic way to go out. They deserved every bit of it. You should not have apologised tbh. Block anyone who is not your DH and start to thank your lucky stars you are out of that toxic environment. Lawyer up, get everything you can, in a few years you won't have to deal with your DH at all, who sounds spineless. Do not ask for him back. You deserve better.

I actually really admire you OP and I sincerely hope you can get to a place of peace. Custody is nothing to do with H's family it is strictly between the 2 of you. You are at nobody's beck and call and you are free to ignore anyone and everyone you want except to sort access with your H. Hold your son tight and go and live your best life away from all those toxic bastards

That sounds best for all concerned (not seeing each other)

No, she doesn't.
She sounds like someone who is experiencing mental health difficulties as a direct result of suffering 15 - 20 years of abuse.
Broaden your understanding of the mental health implications of abuse.

Agree with this, you are free from them now, forget them and move on.

If you had read all OP's posts, you would have seen that she has apologised. You would also have read about their behaviour towards OP since she was a teenager. They deserve the 'Jeremy Kyle' label more than OP. OP has been subjected to abuse and bullying from her husband's family ever since she got pregnant before marriage and refused to have an abortion.

Have you read OP's other posts? Do you think that her in-law's behaviour towards her was also unforgivable? She is well rid of her DH as he has allowed his family to abuse his wife since she was a teenager.

What you did wasn't out of nowhere. It was the result of years of being undermined, disrespected and treated as if you didn't belong. It sounds like this wedding was the final trigger. Watching someone else be embraced and celebrated by the same people who excluded and belittled you would have been incredibly difficult, especially when that person had also mistreated you.

You're not a villain; you were pushed too far for too long. I'd try to see this as a turning point in your willingness to accept other people's shit. You've already taken your fair share. No more.

Your ex husband should have nipped this I. The bud the very first time they verbally abused you. You are well rid. They should be ashamed of themselves.

what did the message to your MIL say?

Let’s hope they don’t get equally vindictive and report you to the NMC! Your behaviour would be classed as bringing the profession into disrepute!

I agree, sounds to me like after years of bullying and abuse the worm turned.

He's left you and as this poster said only he would be able to pursue spending time with his child.

Just because you upset them, don't be shamed into taking him and his family back.

Be honest with you son and tell him the true story of the past years.

@WeddingWTF Your STBX and his family sound truly awful - regardless of their opinion of you, who in their right minds introduces a family member to others as "the slag", calls them that in front of them, and keeps this up for 20 years?! Surely, if they love your DS and care about his feelings they'd have found some peace with the circumstances around his conception by now (which your DH was also responsible for!).
What you did OP was also truly awful and I think you know that. You decided, at the eleventh hour, not to attend your SIL's wedding (perfectly understandable given how you expected to be treated yet again) but your big mistake was drinking a whole bottle of wine. As a nurse, you know as well as anyone on here the disinhibiting effect alcohol has on the brain. I'm certain had you been sober you would have never sent those texts. Your SIL will, no doubt, not believe your texts to her and will be happy to believe her new DH that what you said is all spiteful lies. And texting everyone was so foolish because you've played right into their hands - there's clearly no-one else to "blame" for this than you - and obviously they won't accept your apologies as they've now got what, according to you, they've always wanted - to be rid of you.
Sadly, the people your impulsive action has harmed most is you and your DS and you're just going to have to accept the fall-out as it would appear there's no coming back from this. You don't say how old your "teen" DS is (13, 19 or somewhere inbetween?). I just hope that your DH and his family members don't tell your DS what you did (or worse, stoop to actually showing him any of the texts!). Regardless, you need to come up with a credible and humble explanation for your DS as to why his world has imploded (as you tell us, he's clearly missing having his dad at home).
I'm genuinely sorry for what you've had to put up with from your DH's family for such a long time, but you can't do anything other than own this. I wish you all the best in finding a way to move forward - it seems like, at least, not having to deal with your STBX's family for too much longer will be a plus. Good luck OP.

You’ll be going to court anyway. If you don’t want him there don’t send him unless it’s on your terms, you need to put boundaries in place and stick to them otherwise it will be the same until he’s 18. No doubt they’ll be spinning stories to your son as well. If you create a routine of him seeing them on certain dates now the court is likely to enforce this as a pattern has been set. Be strong & move forward. What you did was appalling but I get why you went nuclear. Never ever tell your son the other side of the family wanted him aborted however bad things get. If they message etc you have the right to ignore and not respond. Never respond immediately & put anything you send them through ChatGPT and ask it to soften the tone etc before replying.

Really? She behaved appallingly and it was calculated and vindictive. She’s now trying to make herself out to be the innocent party! She’s had years to react but chose to go nuclear. Add in she’s a nurse, so the family could be equally vindictive and report her to the NMC, they take a dim view of this behaviour, so she may well have also trashed her career!

You acted incredibly poorly and as this was centred around a wedding it sounds like it comes from a place of jealousy.

I assume you have a thing for the brother which is why the wedding caused you so much stress and resulted in drinking an entire bottle of wine.

However, if the family is as awful as you say then DH leaving you is the best thing that could have happened.

I don’t think you would have left and so this has forced it, which is the best thing for you.

Focus on how you can move forward with your life and how you can coparent.

Any solicitor will tell them that in the UK (certainly in England anyway) grandparents/aunts/uncles don’t have access rights to grandkids/nieces and nephews.

If your DH wants his family to see your son, he has to facilitate that himself during his own access days.

Clearly your DH and his family have treated you horrifically over the years, so it’s beyond me why you didn’t divorce your ‘D’H many years ago rather than waiting until the most dramatic and inflammatory moment possible to tell everyone what you thought of them, but it also sounds like the relationship was a complete shit-show and is best off over.

Has anyone asked if op farted? Cba to read pages and pages!!

The NMC will not and cannot strike someone off for having a row with their in-laws.

Yes, they have.

No need to self flagellate any more. You can’t undo all the hurt of the past so you need to draw a thick line under it and walk away from them all.

Decide that today is Day 1 of your new life without exH and his vile entourage and start planning your fabulous new life. It will get so much better now you’ve severed ties with all of them.

I wouldn’t worry about going to court as it sounds like they’re a bunch of crazies themselves and as a teenager, your DS will get to choose where he wants to live and when he wants to see that side of his ‘family’.

Start looking at your options for where to live and how you want your life to look like going forwards. Also, choose not to drink any more alcohol for at least the next 6 weeks to give yourself time to get settled into your new life. It sounds like you might be using alcohol to change your feelings and that’s a slippery slope to hell. You’ve made the big jump so start planning your fabulous new life.

Take care of yourself @WeddingWTF and name change for any new threads too!!!

The saddest thing OP is that you waited so long to do it. But it’s done now, so your priority has to be your son. Get yourself a lawyer and prep for divorce, because this isn’t going to end any other way. If you can PROVE any of your reasons/ the truth of you marriage, then keep that proof, in case one day your son needs to know, but until then you need to keep this as “amicable” as you possibly can, for his sake. You need to work out your finances now and get your ducks in a row.
Divorces are very rarely the fault of just one person, and it can be hard to navigate. I’d also strongly recommend finding yourself a good counsellor to help you navigate your feelings and emotions.

You need to do two things.

1. Get therapy so that there is no chance you will ever behave that badly again, no matter what pressure you find yourself under. There are always better ways to deal with something than that.
2. Move away from these people and the whole toxic environment they perpetuate. You can't change them all, you can only change yourself.

It'll be huge but if you recognise that level of toxicity for what it is, no matter how normalised it has become in the circles you move in, then there is hope for a better life. Take your kids with you. Good luck.

This is like a Eastenders plot!