Just Snapped

[WeddingWTF]

Not sure how to word this and have obviously name changed for this.

A few months ago my husbands brother was getting married. Me and dh have been having issues for a while now mainly about his family. Anyway the day of the wedding came and dh was away helping his brother. I honestly don't know what came over me but something in me just snapped and I thought I am not going to this wedding.

I spoke to my dh and told him that I wasn't coming and even though there was tension it was fine.

Roll on to later in the evening and I had drunk a bottle of wine. Dh was ignoring my texts and blanking me. I am so ashamed to say that a red mist came over me and over 20 years of shit that I had put up with from all of them came out.

I texted each and every member of his family and told them what I thought of them and texted the bride telling her that basically she had always treated me horrible and her now dh had been shagging everything with a pulse behind her back and constantly tried it on with me on nights out. I also said that her now dh has wanted to fuck her best friend for years and always go's on about how he got with the wrong friend. Absolutely nothing I said was untrue but obviously the fall out has been nuclear and dh has now left me, his family aren't talking to me and have blocked me on everything.

On one hand I feel so ashamed at what I've done and said because there were better ways to go about things. I feel so sorry for dh and what I've done to him.

On the other hand. Honestly I have put up with so much that I just genuinely snapped.

It's not because OP is a woman. It's because her husband's family have treated her like shit ever since she was a teenager and have called her a 'slag' to her face and to other people because she got pregnant out of wedlock.

I'm sorry the rest of MumsNet are gaslighting you. I'm afraid a lot of the wives on here are complacent in allowing their husband's to have affairs and walk all over them because they wouldn't know how to live alone. It's quite shocking how codependent a lot of them are.

Disagreeing isn't gaslighting FFS. Surely you're describing the OP here, who let them call her names for over 20 years despite her falling pregnant approximately 15 years ago?

And having read OP's posts, I can see why she finally snapped. Her in-laws sound much more awful than she does.

Good on you OP, I’m impressed with your balls to be honest. I wouldn’t have apologised, sounds like they deserved every word! Ignore their requests to see your son, they will have no rights to contact, although obviously your DH will.

You’re so much better off without them in your life, enjoy the freedom!

"I texted each and every member of his family and told them what I thought of them and texted the bride telling her that basically she had always treated me horrible and her now dh had been shagging everything with a pulse behind her back and constantly tried it on with me on nights out. I also said that her now dh has wanted to fuck her best friend for years and always go's on about how he got with the wrong friend. Absolutely nothing I said was untrue but obviously the fall out has been nuclear and dh has now left me, his family aren't talking to me and have blocked me on everything."

And you think this is reasonable behaviour? Shame on you for ruining someone's best day of their life, no matter what you said was absolutely right or wrong. Nobody is perfect in this world. If I sit with you and chat for 10 minutes, I can find 10 faults in you. That doesn't mean I go on about it to the rest of the world.
What you did was unpardonable. No wonder your DH has kicked you out of his life, and his family members don't even talk to you. What if your DH had done the same on the day your sister's or brother's wedding? You deserve what you got.

My work involves the area of family violence and this story is very believable - people really do act this way, and certainly within family systems. OPs inevitable blow up is on the low end of what I've seen, not great behavior but certainly within the realms of how abused people can respond when they reach breaking point. The real shame here is the malignant behaviour over years that pushed her to that point. At least she can recognize what she's done, and is taking steps to evaluate. I doubt the toxic inlaws will ever have that level of self-awareness, and will continue on merrily destroying their next victim's life.

What you did isn’t great. You metaphorically burned down the house. And maybe you needed to to be free of them? Try and spin it to yourself as “it’s done and it’s given me the power to move on happily”. Warn your son that DH’s family have not always been kind to you but he can see them whenever he wants to, but just be aware they may say some unkind things about you, but then take the high road and don’t say it back about them.

Hold your head high and enjoy the rest of your and your son’s life, in peace.

Tell them to crack on. You know they’ll just be poisoning him while he’s there.

I would guess that these messages from the OP ended by being laughed at, toasted, ridiculed and now forgotten about.

The prospect of shared custody when the broader ex family is abusive and the ex won't enforce boundaries is a really concerning issue. OP has detailed some of the appalling things said to her son when he was young.

Bloody hell, where’s Jeremy Kyle when you need him?

@WeddingWTF I have reported the post from harpytohelp.
You are not awful.
It's a terrible thing for @harpytohelp to say that they understand why the family don't like you after you have been abused by them for years.

Hi op. Sorry to hear your hubby has left you but you must have to some degree expected some fall out. That said, I'm going to assume you have alot of built up resentment caused by the way you've been treated and I don't actually feel much sympathy for your inlaws if this is how they've been for all these years. If everything you said in the texts was true then why has your hubby left you? Siding with his family again ... some ppl cant see when they've gone too far with their normalised abuse so if this is how they've really been why are you ashamed ? I wouldn't waste time feeling ashamed. If the brother in law is this disgusting and has been trying to sleep with you and your own hubby turns a blind eye to this then your hubby is just as disgusting. I feel for the bride in all this . She didnt deserve the text on her wedding day but that said her new husband sounds like vermin so good she knows... if its the truth!

Good for you op! Sounds like they gave you a dogs life. Just work on making yourself and your children happy. Don’t worry about the ex or his family!

The post is making reference to those who are being negative towards the op .. the post cant 'surely' be describing the op as we have no idea what the op would say to someone else in this position so I think you missed the point of what the post meant.

They sound like a bunch of uneducated, stupid, trailer trash chavs and now they’re upset cos they finally got what they deserve!

it’s really abnormal to call someone a slag to their face, sit there laughing etc. really really not ok. You know better now.

leave dh to it, live a classy life. You no longer associate with these types of people!

Can they really take Op to court for access?

Isn't that between her & her son's dad & he sees them on his dad's time?

What in the Jeremy Kyle?! Why on earth would you think it's okay to behave like this, drink or no drink.

Do the right thing and apologise, and leave the booze alone moving forward. Accountability is needed here.

You’ve made yourself look jealous of the bride as you’ve tried to sabotage her wedding day. Don’t think you’ve done yourself any favours. However, the minute anyone introduced me as the slag would be the last time.

You know how wrong you’ve been.
Sadly you brought this on yourself.

When you say ‘snapped’ I think most of MN read that as ‘lost my temper’ but I don’t. I think properly snapping is akin to a breakdown and you cannot control when that happens. Chastising someone for having a breakdown at an inconvenient time is like chastising someone for killing themselves at an increment time. You don’t get to choose when that breaking point comes.

OP clearly knows she’s caused a huge fallout and is dealing with that but after 20 years I doubt she chose that night. Unless there is history of her kicking off at family occasions or behaving in this manner whenever the spotlight isn’t on her then ultimately this couldn’t really be avoided. I’m sure there were a million things her DH could have done over 20 years to avoid it coming to a head like this so he’s entirely complicit.

reactive abuse is real. It’s why women who’ve spent years being beaten, raped and tormented in their homes one day can’t continue and do something extreme with stab their abuser.

I look back at my xh’s families treatment towards not just me but all of his partners before and after (which he allows) and think it’s remarkable that none of us ended up in the cells.

I honestly think that families who behave in the OP has described have loved the drama anyway. If she hadn’t have created something else would. Fuck em.

The OP sounds very awful indeed.
As do her ex-OH's family.

I think the wine did you a favour and you are better off out. And let your ex’s take you to court for access-they won’t get it. Only your ex will.

Some people must have lovely blinkered lives where everything is rainbows and glitter throughout the whole family.
'Do you have a problem with alcohol' <patronising head tilt>
'Disgusting behaviour' <looking down 6 figure nose>
'Where's Jeremy kyle?!' <ooh working class drama>

Can others genuinely not see and understand that some families are utterly awful. I'm sure none of those of you deciding the poor op is some kind of 'trailer trash' haven't been belittled, called a slag and treated like dirt for years, and if they had, no doubt they would kindly turn a blind eye, sip their earl grey and 'talk it through'.

Would they fuck.

Being a scapegoat and treated like a piece of dirt ireal l anhappens n and sometimes people do reach the end and need to protect their mental health.
It's horrible feeling that way but the judgement is insane