Just Snapped

[WeddingWTF]

Not sure how to word this and have obviously name changed for this.

A few months ago my husbands brother was getting married. Me and dh have been having issues for a while now mainly about his family. Anyway the day of the wedding came and dh was away helping his brother. I honestly don't know what came over me but something in me just snapped and I thought I am not going to this wedding.

I spoke to my dh and told him that I wasn't coming and even though there was tension it was fine.

Roll on to later in the evening and I had drunk a bottle of wine. Dh was ignoring my texts and blanking me. I am so ashamed to say that a red mist came over me and over 20 years of shit that I had put up with from all of them came out.

I texted each and every member of his family and told them what I thought of them and texted the bride telling her that basically she had always treated me horrible and her now dh had been shagging everything with a pulse behind her back and constantly tried it on with me on nights out. I also said that her now dh has wanted to fuck her best friend for years and always go's on about how he got with the wrong friend. Absolutely nothing I said was untrue but obviously the fall out has been nuclear and dh has now left me, his family aren't talking to me and have blocked me on everything.

On one hand I feel so ashamed at what I've done and said because there were better ways to go about things. I feel so sorry for dh and what I've done to him.

On the other hand. Honestly I have put up with so much that I just genuinely snapped.

I wouldn’t waste time now feeling bad about it, and I wouldn’t care what they thought of me- their opinions don’t really matter do they? I do believe you were pushed to breaking point.

Do not apologise again, hold your head high, put it all behind you and move forward with your life. Do not message them again if they’ve asked you not to as it can be seen as harassment.

Let them organise and pay for mediation for contact with your son’s dad. You can’t really stop that bit from happening but I wouldn’t be rushing to jump to their demands either. The family have no rights, son has a right to see his dad.

Do you have generally problematic behaviour around alcohol?

I wouldn't feel too sorry for the bride. They all sound like a bunch of wankers who deserve each other. And the marriage a total sham. What you did was bonkers but kind of splendid. I'm sure it could be turned into a movie where your final exit was a triumphant ending. Good luck with the contact arrangements, but if your son is a teen it will all work out sooner or later.

I actually don't blame you. I would love to write to or text my repulsive sister and disgusting cousins and tell them exactly what I think. Of them and how awful they are. Maybe not the best tone to do it but all that anger and putting up with what you have had to explode at some point.
I've had to manage by just NC but I wish I could tell them exactly what they did and how they have made me feel.

It's done and can't be undone. I trust hope the rest of your life away from these wankers is calm and positive

They treated you as less than for years, it's no wonder you eventually snapped.
You are a product of their vile toxic abuse.
I know they won't ever see it that way.

What you did was extreme but it sounds like they actually deserved it. What sort they expect, that they can constantly put you down and treat you badly, and they'll be no consequences?

I hope you can start to heal from their abuse and forgive yourself for your recent actions.

In time you will benefit from therapy to help recover.

Btw they can't demand access to your son. Obviously your DH can for himself but they have no legal right to access to your son.

You've had plenty of explanations about why your behaviour was unacceptable, hopefully you can learn from that to control yourself better in future. If your son is early teens that's about 13/14. So you've been together 15 years, not 20.

Your son is old enough to decide where he wants to be and you should encourage him to share a calendar with you and arrange times directly with his dad .That way you are not blocking anything but he can say no if he wants to see mates and your family instead. Are you actually married and do you have any shared assets to split or can you walk away? Either way, put in a CMS claim for your ex's share of maintenance and try to have as little to do with them as possible. Time to build a new life for yourself, what does that look like?

So what? the fuckers can think what they like. They thought it anyway.

OP:

In your shoes I would get in with your divorce as efficiently and drama-free as possible, and then seek counselling to reflect on how you stayed amongst people who showed you do little respect and to look at how you can manage your frustration and anger and opinions in a different way. How to be constructively assertive and direct rather than seethe and bottle things up, how to identify what is upsetting you and how to address it.

Yes, they behaved horribly over the years, yes your reaction was awful…the positive way forwards is to work on how you avoid putting up with people who are awful to you and how you manage your emotions.

@WeddingWTF they sound like a horrendous bunch of people and it’s no surprise you snapped after all those years of shitty treatment. Time to forgive yourself and move on as best you can from any guilt you have about what you did. They’ve clearly been provoking you for years and so deserve it. I hope you find an acceptable way forward with your son and limited contact xx

Hopefully the Brides next wedding will be less eventful ?

You did a very foolish thing that has cost you dearly. I think all you can do now is take the learning from that so that when you rebuild your life, in whatever form that takes, you don't allow your impulsive behaviour to destroy it again.
The first thing is responsibility. There are no red mists that overcome us and magic us into doing things we shouldn't. There are only unwise choices when we feel angry.
The key is to minimise the amount of rage we allow to build up in the first place, by addressing problems as they occur and not letting them fester, and then taking precautions when we are enraged to limit harm. Not drinking when you're angry is a good start.
This isn't a pious lecture. I understand rage. I also understand how destructive it is if you act on it, as you now do too.

This had to end one way or another - either contact had to be reduced to nothing with them (which would never happen given your DHs stance that they come first) or your marriage needed to end. It sounds like it has damaged your mental health a lot - and if it was going to end, then I actually think you telling them what you thought of them was probably a good, cathartic end for you. They’ve had no problems repeatedly telling you what they thought of you, so I don’t blame you doing the same to them.

Its time to move on, close the chapter, and be glad you never have to make nice with those rude arseholes again.

But in-laws dictating when they see your son, no way. Only your DH has legal rights to see his son, not the rest of them. Make arrangements with him for that to happen, but don’t give away extra precious days with your child to the rest of his arsehole family. They can see him on your DHs days.

Don't try to apologise again - it's done and can't be changed so leave it there.

You don't need to facilitate contact with anyone other than your dh, and even then if your son is a teen you can pretty much leave it to him and your dh to arrange.

You will need to get your financial split sorted and you may need legal advice on that score.

Block the others.

If you're being completely honest on here about how they've treated you over the years and how passive you've been in return then, while there are better ways of going about telling everyone how you feel, I don't think you should be too hard on yourself. I would definitely have apologised about how I went about getting things off my chest but not about what I actually said. (Apart from the part about the groom shagging around, which is none of your business).

You snapped, bad timing yes. But honestly it sounds like a you are out of a bad situation in terms of his awful family and quite honestly your awful DH. If someone was calling me a slag or introducing me as a slag my DH would absolutely stand up for me.
You have done it, you cannot undo any of it so try and make peace with it.

💐

OP, in situations like this it's better to not beat yourself up over what's done. You had your reasons that felt right to you. It's done. You apologized, but that has not made things better. It is better to look forward. If this family is as awful as you say it is, you are better away from them in the long run. I'm sorry you've lost your husband in the process, but you need focus on what steps come next for you and your son. Keep things on an even keel and no bad mouthing anyone to your son. I'm not sure if you mentioned anything about your own family but lean on them for support if you can, along with any close friends of your own.

In vino veritas and all that. The fact its blown up in your face shouldn't be a surprise.

I guess you're just going to have to deal with it. Your DH might forgive you but his family will put any amount of pressure on him.

Well his family don't sound like nice people, nor does your dh. So maybe it's all for the best, you can start again and hopefully have a much happier life without them in it.

Oh OP :( I think you know that wasn’t the right way to go about things but what’s done is done.

You need to decide today to draw a line, move on with class and don’t rise to any more of this because it will only affect you carrying hate, let them all go quietly and with class and focus on moving forwards and living your life for you and DC

Talking of judgement...

Having read all your updates, I'm changing my vote to YANBU

It took waaaaaaay to long to stand up to this family or arseholes, but frankly, even if it took a bottle of wine, good for you.

I hope they rot in their hate.

Do not take the arsehole back under any circumstances; he and his family have run you down over the years. Your moment of madness was the best thing you could have done imo ... because it forced the split. Now block them on everything and get them out of your life as much as possible!

It sounds like they got what they deserve.

You say your son has heard all the bad mouthing about you. How does he feel about you and them?

Was your husband verbally or physically abusive? It sounds like you’ve lived in a horrible environment for a long time, your whole adult life, I’m not surprised you snapped.

Do you know what? Good for you.

I'm puzzled, though - how have they been calling you a slag for 20 years when your son is only in his early teens? Did they just assume you were a slag years before you got pregnant??

This is the thing, you didn't just snap...
You could have said all those things to their family members and you could have said you wa Ted a divorce if your marriage wasn't working for you.
If its true about his nrither cheating on the wife I believe you should have told her BEFORE she for married (although based on family relationships she may not have believed you).
But you should never ever have sent those texts when you were drunk, especially on the wedding night!!!
That's truly appalling!