Just Snapped

[WeddingWTF]

Not sure how to word this and have obviously name changed for this.

A few months ago my husbands brother was getting married. Me and dh have been having issues for a while now mainly about his family. Anyway the day of the wedding came and dh was away helping his brother. I honestly don't know what came over me but something in me just snapped and I thought I am not going to this wedding.

I spoke to my dh and told him that I wasn't coming and even though there was tension it was fine.

Roll on to later in the evening and I had drunk a bottle of wine. Dh was ignoring my texts and blanking me. I am so ashamed to say that a red mist came over me and over 20 years of shit that I had put up with from all of them came out.

I texted each and every member of his family and told them what I thought of them and texted the bride telling her that basically she had always treated me horrible and her now dh had been shagging everything with a pulse behind her back and constantly tried it on with me on nights out. I also said that her now dh has wanted to fuck her best friend for years and always go's on about how he got with the wrong friend. Absolutely nothing I said was untrue but obviously the fall out has been nuclear and dh has now left me, his family aren't talking to me and have blocked me on everything.

On one hand I feel so ashamed at what I've done and said because there were better ways to go about things. I feel so sorry for dh and what I've done to him.

On the other hand. Honestly I have put up with so much that I just genuinely snapped.

They are horrid - leave them to it. There is one important question: how is your relationship with your son? How is he and how can you make your bond even better? At his age contact soon becomes what he wants.

Don't send your son to them. They sound spectacularly dreadful and not suitable people to have your son around.

I was shocked when I read what you had done in your OP but the more I hear about his family and how they have treated you, the more I think that it serves them right and you are well rid of them.

What is your son's relationship with them like? Are they horrible to him because they told you to get an abortion and you disobeyed them?

There is another question that matters too. Where is your real life support?

obvs what you did was terrible, but I can’t understand why people here don’t have more sympathy for you? you have endured 2 decades of abuse as you describe from all fronts! Also, to the people saying why didn’t you leave - we all now it’s not easy for a woman to scape an abusive situation. Please do your best to stay away from the drama from now on, you’re free - focus on your child and your healing. If you decide to carry on with the nastiness, then it’s on you

You picked the wrong day to give them a few home truths. It was massively unkind, spiteful and selfish to spoil somebody's wedding day like this. Awful.

Untrue. My grandfather stopped speaking to my brother over his out-of-wedlock child. Caused a lot of hurt for both of them. Child is a similar age to OPs son.

I actually think having read how appalling the family have been the Op wasn’t as awful as some are making out. There is also nuances and shades of grey in anything. Quite simply thinking she did this on her wedding day so she’s evil is quite reductive

If he has been cheating at least now the bride knows. I don’t agree with doing it on her wedding day, but to be fair I’d want to know if my husband was cheating

It’s interesting this point of view, so she should just tolerate their crap and stay quiet?

If all is as the OP says then quite frankly, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. This family bullied and abused her for decades, they're having a laugh being surprised and upset that it came back on them. Bride doesn't sound like an innocent party here, seemingly taking part in wrecking OPs experience of pregnancy and motherhood so I can't get het up about her wedding day being ruined.

OP you're better off without them. See a lawyer for a one-off appointment to know your rights, don't deprive your child of contact with his father, and don't lose sleep over it. Could you have behaved better? Sure. But you clearly reached a breaking point and there's absolutely no shame in that. Have compassion for yourself, you have endured something terrible for long enough.

I don't see the problem with that! They have been bullying and abusive to the OP for years. That surely seems the best outcome?

I can fullly understand your actions OP. The red mist can descend spectacularly after a bottle of wine and we’ve all done things we are ashamed of, even if some of us aren’t brave enough to post about it. Just move on and live your best life without them.

I get it op
sometimes you just gotta burn that bridge down to the ground so you’re never tempted to walk back over it

good luck with a better future now with you and your ds away form these twats

id consider moving if your ds is up for it

WTAF!! On a wedding day too!
Sounds like an East Enders story line.
Seriously though it sounds like you’re much better off without H or his family.
Talk to your son frequently, tell him how much you love him and keep things as stable as you can for him.
Start over on your own.

You're well rid, walk away head held high and live your best life.

I get it OP.

You've been gaslit all your adult life into believing you did adulting “wrong” by having a baby at 18 and getting married after the baby was here. Then your SIL is hailed as adulting “correctly” because she’s marrying a man before having DC, yet you (& probably everyone else) knows the groom is a cheating arsehole who won’t make her happy.

It must have felt like you FINALLY had proof that “adulting correctly” isn’t always the best way and you wanted to show this to them all, to prove that you weren’t the terrible person they made you out to be.

Unfortunately these kind of people only care about appearance.

Your SIL appeared to have a great life because she’s marrying the man of her dreams (not knowing he’s a cheater?) to the outside world and that’s all that matters.

I imagine you having a baby at 18 (possibly proving that you were having sex at 17?) didn’t put your DH in a great light, especially if he was older than you, because it makes him look like your groomer.

You keeping the child created undeniable proof that your DH was the problematic one (not that you’re a slag, despite what they told you and others).

You really are best off as far away from these people as possible.

How does your son feel about spending time with them, as his thoughts would be taken into consideration too in a court hearing as he’s a teen.

Stay strong, get divorced and see this as the start of your new life without these difficult people in your life. Don’t see it as a loss, and stop apologising for telling the truth, you will be happier in the long run without them all, I promise.

Good for you for setting boundaries and standing up for yourself.

I'm sorry the rest of MumsNet are gaslighting you. I'm afraid a lot of the wives on here are complacent in allowing their husband's to have affairs and walk all over them because they wouldn't know how to live alone. It's quite shocking how codependent a lot of them are.

You just hopefully saved this bride a life-time of being cheated on, unless she's also a door-mat like some of them on here.

You have been abused, bullied, and harassed for too long. I applaud you for finally sticking the boot in. Don't worry about ruining this sham of a wedding - They didn't care about ruining your mental well-being over the years, so why should you care about their day?

Your husband sounds like a Mummy's boy and you're better-off without him. Let him go. Go find yourself someone to have fun with, and if they carry on calling you names - Report them for harassment and intimidation.

Good for you for having a back-bone. Not many on here do because their too busy dabbing their nose with a hanky to keep up their appearance, instead of defending themselves.

Unfortunately you’ve completely let yourself down.

Now whatever nastiness they said about you will hold true.

Many have already said that what you did was wrong - however, it sounds like you've been through hell with him & his family. You sound like an honest working mum who's tried incredibly hard to fit in with a family & unsupportive husband who've diminished you & disregarded you - that is mental torture.

You now need to maintain your dignity & self respect going forward. Don't allow them to dictate anything to you - set your own boundaries that suit you. Don't allow them to bully you for another day. You offer times to see your son, when it is suitable for you & your son only. You're a human being & your voice/feelings/life matters. Don't allow them to push you down any further.

I've been through family stuff similar and it is so hard - i now do no contact and I'm much better for it.

That's hideous OP, so sorry they did this to you over the years. Unless someone has had it happen it is difficult to comprehend a family ganging up and bullying, plus the damage it does. What is worse is they dragged your child into it and tried to influence them.

Obviously hitting the nuclear option that way and the timing was bad.

All you can do now is get your ducks in a row in case there is a messy divorce. Any evidence of how your husband and his family treated you over the years?

Look into getting some professional help for your son. To help him at the moment and deal with what the family have said to him.

Just because the OP is a woman, doesn’t make her in the right. No one deserved that on a wedding day

This family have abused you since you were a teenager.
You texted them all on the wedding day because you wanted to hurt every one of them as much as they have hurt you over the years.
You delivered your texts on the very day that you knew would cause the most pain and upset to them.
It was an act of revenge after spending your whole adult life being made to feel degraded, humiliated and worthless by them.
I wish you had not written a letter of apology to your abusers.
Honestly OP, if you are an NHS Nurse then you will know how important it is for you to get therapy to help you process the way you've been treated by this family since you were a young girl. Drinking a bottle of wine at night isn't going to deal with it, it will just make you feel worse.
I think you should set plans in motion to divorce your H and move away to a far away different area with your son.
Protect yourself and him from their toxicity and abuse. If they tell your son anything bad or offensive about you, then they are emotionally abusing him too.
You can get a job anywhere as a nurse.
Lean on your own family for support.
And don't worry about custody of your son. The courts will not remove him from you unless he is unsafe with you. Grandparents have no legal rights over their grandchildren.

I also have absolutely vile in laws and I applaud you! Fuck them all. Well done you.

@WeddingWTF you've been given a hard time by some on here. You know what you did was wrong but what happened was the result of being isolated, abused and made to feel worthless. I wouldn't be mourning thd loss of a man who watched you humiliated, abused and bullied for years and did nothing other than to join the pile on by adding financial abuse to the mix. A man who is now punishing the son he never wanted.
You need to distance yourself completely, get a good counsellor and start to set boundaries going forward. No more apologies. Have they ever admitted their persistent and relentless abuse of you and your child? Telling a child nasty things about their mother, a child they and the father didn't want, is abuse. Write it all down. Every incident you can remember. Let them try and get access but you keep all the receipts and remind them of their past and ongoing behaviour. They have never faced any consequences, time for that to happen. Good luck. Take care of yourself and your son.

Tbh, if everything you said is completely true. Then good for you. You've finally broken the spell. Wishing you peace away from these people.
Don't apologise to them. Document everything you can think of that they have done in a notebook. Dates and times if you can.
Get a third party contact app for contact eith your dh only in regards to your son. Do not speak to any other members of his family about contact with your son. Block all their numbers except husbands for emergencies.