EX wife has moved new partner and kids in and my children are unhappy.

[David850]

I'm a dad of two children, 13 year old daughter and 7 year old son.

Two months ago my ex moved her new partner and his two children in with her, she lives in a 3 bed house so both kids are now sharing with his children, it's been a very tough two months for them and they are miserable.

My son is now sharing a room with this man's 11 year old son, my son is a big spiderman fan and his whole room was themed around this, walls, lights, posters, bedding etc but last weekend ex's new partner decorated the room, painted over the spiderman decor, took everything down, dumped my sons bed and furniture and replaced it with a bunk bed (son hates it, he's on the bottom bunk and says he feels cramped and hates that a bed is on top of him) I've been told the room is now white with a huge Xbox theme going on, apparently there is a few spiderman items remaining but my daughter has said at least 80% has been removed, and a large amount of the room is taken up by this boys gaming desk/chair and TV. My son is extremely upset, it's such a big adjustment to have this man and two kids move in but to fully change his bedroom and get rid of his stuff in his own home is unacceptable.

The daughter is 12, I belive she and my daughter are only a matter or months apart, she's so upset about this girl being moved in to her room, hers hasn't really been redecorated but her double bed has been removed and replaced with two singles and she's been forced to take half of her things off the walls and remove half of her things from her wardrobe, she's currently having to store items in boxes under her bed.

My ex is saying that the room situation was discussed with the kids and I do believe this but when the kids disagreed and said they don't want to share rooms she shut them down and said it was happening.

School has broke up today for summer and my daughter is saying she's not going back to her mums, I've asked what her main reason is and she has said that she refuses to continue to sleep in the same room as a stranger and she feels uncomfortable, I have discussed this with my ex and said i will keep her with me for the weekend and she's said that if they are not returned by 6pm she will be sending her partner around to collect them.

I need some advice as I've never had to deal with this before, we share the kids 50/50, my daughter is 13 so it's not like she can just be picked up and forced in the car, if she refuses to return to her mums home what will happen? If she decides she wants to stay here and see her mum outside of the home is this something a court would agree with? I'd also love to have a serious conversation about my son as he's so unhappy but I understand as he's so young his wishes may not be considered.

I'm all new to this so any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

My ex took my 13 yo and brainwashed her into staying with him. I was basically told by ss to suck it up because she’s old enough to decide. Keep her with you and call the police if the dude turns up. Wtf does he think he is coming to your house to take your daughter. I don’t think so!

I got my dd back in the end but only because she chose to come.

Your wife is out of order saying she is going to send her new partner to get your daughter. That sounds like a threat. And why is she sending someone to pick up a child who isn’t his? She sounds really callous.

if I was in your position I might even ring the local police and ask for advice.

What does any of that matter? It’s completely irrelevant to the situation these poor kids are in now.

Keep the children with you if that is what they want. Tell her if either of them come round you will not open the door, call the police if you need to. If she wants them back she can take you to court.

I feel for you I really do! One of my close friends has done this (but she is the one moving her new partner and his kids in). Her kids were already sharing a room but now they have another kid with them as well who is older and up playing games all night. This is so the daughter of her new partner can have her own bedroom. I think it’s incredibly unfair.

Unfortunately their dad isn’t in the position to have them all the time but if you are in that position which it sounds like you could be, I would be tempted to apply for a court order to get the rights for them to be housed with you. I can’t imagine a court not taking their feelings into consideration especially as it was their mums choice to move the other kids in. I’m suprised as a mother she’s allowed it to happen to be honest. There is no way I would do that to my children! I would buying or renting a larger house to accommodate all the kids fairly.

EggnogNoggin Is right. The situation needs to be managed in a less reactive way which takes into account your sons wishes and feelings as well.

This does happen unfortunately. My DD is 16 and doesn’t go to her Dad’s house that much now - she spent her whole GCSE revision and exam period not going there at all because it’s not calm there. Mixture between Dad being moody, arguing with his partner and the house been full of toddlers (slight exaggeration).

But there’s nothing wrong with Dad as such and my DS (11) still has to go four nights in 14. I don’t think he’d thank me when he grows up if he doesn’t have a relationship with his Dad and siblings.

I was 4 when my parents got legally divorced and even at that age I was clearly asked what I wanted in the situation.

Its not really about parents, my answer never changed so never had to go back to the court but really the choice is the child's, the courts will always side with the children's wants/needs and prioritizes them.

In the absence of a court order your daughter cannot be forced to leave your house, and you certainly don’t have to allow access to her partner! But you should be aware the same would apply in reverse if your daughter visits her mums house in the future, her mum can keep her in and you cannot force entry, so it would be best to try to work together if you can. Otherwise if she is not open to any compromise you would need to go to court. If she doesn’t stay overnight with her mum can she still go there after school? During the day at weekends? You need to work out how to properly maintain the relationship otherwise the courts are unlikely to agree even at 13.

I hope you are able to have them FT, you may need to take some time off work to sort this out.

I’ve seen mothers when I’ve been in schools who have moved some bloke in and immediately put them in charge of the household and children.
I only believe in blended households where everyone is on board. Why the rush? Is he skint, does he need a woman to do all the care of his children!
If she is prepared to ruin her relationship with her children for a man, I’d let her get on with it. She clearly isn’t thinking what’s best for them at all.

Many months? More like a couple of years! At least. Not a chance would I be giving up my childrens safe space by allowing other children that they've known for a few months take over their bedrooms.

11 months?? Jesus christ, she barely knows him. Your poor kids.

she's said that if they are not returned by 6pm she will be sending her partner around to collect them.
I doubt you are legally obliged to hand your DC over to an unrelated man.
It is so selfish of your ex to do this to the children.

That's awful. Keep your children with you. See a family solicitor on Monday morning to explain the situation and ask for an emergency court hearing so you can keep the children.

As others have said, with no court order in place you are under no obligation to return the chidlren to their mother. And certainly wouldn't even engage with the new BF. nothing to do with him at all

Social services do an assessment of what?
They don't decide on custody disputes.

Just a hunch but I suspect he's in Scotland.

@MutedMavis Yep this is my friends situation that I posted above. He was living in his parents spare room. She bought a new build and all of a sudden him and his kids have moved in. He’s laughing all the way to the bank. Then she’s taken the kids rooms away and made them share with a much older child so his daughter can have her own room. It infuriates me. She’s being taken advantage of, but doesn’t see it and no amount of telling her will make any difference. Some people need to learn the hard way.

I agree.

I doubt any of the children are happy with the arrangement.

Sorry OP, no advice but your OP gave me the rage!! I absolutely hate it when people do this, they want to play at happy families and don’t give a toss what the kids think. It’s so fucking selfish

Sorry no advice, but my heart just broke for your little boy. Taking all his Spiderman stuff and dumping it - how cruel! Your Ex is a selfish cow and a shit mother.

Is there a court orded agreement or do both of you have the same residency rights ? So I can try to help

What about your son OP??. So outrageous regarding how his room and even bed has been changed. AND he is not getting his sleep because of the older boy. Please try to reassure him, Seems he has norights as he is only 7.. Hope you can reassure him and he can live with you in peace and a normal situation.

no court order in place. they share 50/50/ OP in Scotland.

And your ex is a selfish person ! She will never put the kids first so you should keep an eye and be close to them always

Legally a judge would allow your dd to choose how much she sees each parent (even 0% time with mum) Do you live near your ex so that she can go to the same school and see her friends?