EX wife has moved new partner and kids in and my children are unhappy.

[David850]

I'm a dad of two children, 13 year old daughter and 7 year old son.

Two months ago my ex moved her new partner and his two children in with her, she lives in a 3 bed house so both kids are now sharing with his children, it's been a very tough two months for them and they are miserable.

My son is now sharing a room with this man's 11 year old son, my son is a big spiderman fan and his whole room was themed around this, walls, lights, posters, bedding etc but last weekend ex's new partner decorated the room, painted over the spiderman decor, took everything down, dumped my sons bed and furniture and replaced it with a bunk bed (son hates it, he's on the bottom bunk and says he feels cramped and hates that a bed is on top of him) I've been told the room is now white with a huge Xbox theme going on, apparently there is a few spiderman items remaining but my daughter has said at least 80% has been removed, and a large amount of the room is taken up by this boys gaming desk/chair and TV. My son is extremely upset, it's such a big adjustment to have this man and two kids move in but to fully change his bedroom and get rid of his stuff in his own home is unacceptable.

The daughter is 12, I belive she and my daughter are only a matter or months apart, she's so upset about this girl being moved in to her room, hers hasn't really been redecorated but her double bed has been removed and replaced with two singles and she's been forced to take half of her things off the walls and remove half of her things from her wardrobe, she's currently having to store items in boxes under her bed.

My ex is saying that the room situation was discussed with the kids and I do believe this but when the kids disagreed and said they don't want to share rooms she shut them down and said it was happening.

School has broke up today for summer and my daughter is saying she's not going back to her mums, I've asked what her main reason is and she has said that she refuses to continue to sleep in the same room as a stranger and she feels uncomfortable, I have discussed this with my ex and said i will keep her with me for the weekend and she's said that if they are not returned by 6pm she will be sending her partner around to collect them.

I need some advice as I've never had to deal with this before, we share the kids 50/50, my daughter is 13 so it's not like she can just be picked up and forced in the car, if she refuses to return to her mums home what will happen? If she decides she wants to stay here and see her mum outside of the home is this something a court would agree with? I'd also love to have a serious conversation about my son as he's so unhappy but I understand as he's so young his wishes may not be considered.

I'm all new to this so any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

www.dadshouse.org.uk

Do you have a Child Arrangements Order currently in place?

If not and your children do not want to return to their mum’s then you can keep them with you and she will need to apply to the court for an emergency order.

In the meantime keep dated and timed notes of everything the kids are saying and copies of any messages that may help your case.

Try and have all communication with your ex wife in writing rather than face to face and be calm and polite at all times so you can’t be accused of aggressive or unreasonable behaviour - it’s hard but will pay off if you have to go to court.

I'd be going back to court. Your ex is outrageous for doing this to her own kids!

This is really sad. My concern with keeping your daughter full time is that it would make things even sadder for your son to lose his sister from his mum's house as well. I know that shouldn't be on her shoulders though.

Get legal advice @David850 - you can apply for residence.

Clearly your ex isn’t able to be attuned to and to prioritise your children’s feelings right now. You could try to talk to her about your children’s feelings, highlighting they feel pushed aside and uncomfortable, and ask her to think of solutions to addressing that. Ultimately though, if she’s sending her new partner round to collect them (or intimidate you) she doesn’t sound like someone who is that thoughtful about her children’s feelings and may not be capable of changing. I therefore think you should be respecting the children‘s wishes if they’re expressing a wish to live with you. That said I would absolutely continue to try and facilitate a relationship
with their mum.

Do not do this.

The ex will suggest your kids have been coached to provide these answers. It's not evidence of anything except parental alienation by dad. It is more likely to count against than for you. If the court want to hear from the children they can do so in person or to a court appointed worker.

I think a lot of people don't understand how high the threshold for an assessment by Children's Services actually is.

Even if it did meet threshold (it won't, based on the information in the OP) the children's Mother would have to consent to an assessment. Children's Services can only assess without parental consent where there is clear evidence that the children are at risk of significant harm, and the threshold for what they consider "significant" is high nowadays.

There's no CAO so you don't need to return them or do anything. If her partner comes around and won't leave, call the police. Ex will likely take this to mediation and court so be prepared with evidence of why the children are better with you. Your DD will be considered old enough to decide for herself, the 7 yo not so much but they will probably aim to keep them together but arrange regular contact with her.

How much time do the other DC spend with their dad/your ex? Can you arrange custody so that they aren't all there at the same time- or minimise it at least?

Your daughter can decide where she wants to live at age 12. But she can also stay with you tonight. Ignore the door / call the police etc
Sorry your ex cannot put her children first

Court will let your daughter choose where to live at her age.

I'm a safeguarding lead in a school and sadly, I've seen this scenario play out many, many times. The number of parents who prioritise their new partners wishes and feelings (and, by extension, new partners children) over their own children is frankly really depressing.

This is desperately sad to read. Your ex sounds like a useless mother and you sound very sensitive. I hope they can stay with you full-time.

This is terrible advice.

Absolutely blows my mind how many women do this. I know someone who moved her new man and his part time kids in six months after her husband died. Her daughters woke up on the first Father’s Day without their dad to a strange man in his bed. Of course she was insistent that they ‘loved’ the new situation. ‘Blending families’ is bullshit and very, very rarely benefits the children.
Hope you’re able to give your children a safe, stable space of their own.

Awful. A court would view this as coercion.

Please get some proper legal advice asap @David850.

The ex is a cow. Poor kids. I echo what everyone else has said. Don't send her back.

Agree that is the sensible way forward.

You need to seek legal advice asap. As there's no CAO, then you don't have to hand the children over to your ex, and certainly not her partner. Your eldest is 13, and her wishes would be taken into consideration. Your son, at 7, would be spoken to but his wishes wouldn't necessarily be considered. It would be highly unlikely any Judge would separate siblings - my exes ex-wife wanted full residency of his boys (they lived with him full-time and saw their Mum EOW) and the younger boy wanted to stay living with his Dad and the eldest with their Mum, the Judge told his ex in no uncertain terms that he wouldn't split the boys up - this was in 2002! So I can't see it being any different in 2025.

The new partner doesn’t come into this and has no rights over the children.

What the hell is on face value meant to mean?

@David850 did he come over? Are you and the kids safe?

@David850 your daughter can already decide where she lives .
Tell your ex that if anyone comes to your door causing trouble you will call the police.
Saying that if your ex calls the police they will say it’s a civil matter (as I and sure you have parental rights) they may do a welfare check on daughter if she says she doesn’t what to return and says about sharing with a stranger . The police will report back she is safe .

Some officers may not be too clued up but the minite you mentioned civil . Just say officer this is a civil matter . daughter is safe .

Id get a solicitor app booked on Monday though. Either way things are going to get really tough.

It all seems very rushed. Where was the man and kids living before? How comes they haven't had more time to get to know each other? Why aren' they moving somewhere bigger? Sounds like your ex may have found herself a cocklodger plus kids.