EX wife has moved new partner and kids in and my children are unhappy.

[David850]

I'm a dad of two children, 13 year old daughter and 7 year old son.

Two months ago my ex moved her new partner and his two children in with her, she lives in a 3 bed house so both kids are now sharing with his children, it's been a very tough two months for them and they are miserable.

My son is now sharing a room with this man's 11 year old son, my son is a big spiderman fan and his whole room was themed around this, walls, lights, posters, bedding etc but last weekend ex's new partner decorated the room, painted over the spiderman decor, took everything down, dumped my sons bed and furniture and replaced it with a bunk bed (son hates it, he's on the bottom bunk and says he feels cramped and hates that a bed is on top of him) I've been told the room is now white with a huge Xbox theme going on, apparently there is a few spiderman items remaining but my daughter has said at least 80% has been removed, and a large amount of the room is taken up by this boys gaming desk/chair and TV. My son is extremely upset, it's such a big adjustment to have this man and two kids move in but to fully change his bedroom and get rid of his stuff in his own home is unacceptable.

The daughter is 12, I belive she and my daughter are only a matter or months apart, she's so upset about this girl being moved in to her room, hers hasn't really been redecorated but her double bed has been removed and replaced with two singles and she's been forced to take half of her things off the walls and remove half of her things from her wardrobe, she's currently having to store items in boxes under her bed.

My ex is saying that the room situation was discussed with the kids and I do believe this but when the kids disagreed and said they don't want to share rooms she shut them down and said it was happening.

School has broke up today for summer and my daughter is saying she's not going back to her mums, I've asked what her main reason is and she has said that she refuses to continue to sleep in the same room as a stranger and she feels uncomfortable, I have discussed this with my ex and said i will keep her with me for the weekend and she's said that if they are not returned by 6pm she will be sending her partner around to collect them.

I need some advice as I've never had to deal with this before, we share the kids 50/50, my daughter is 13 so it's not like she can just be picked up and forced in the car, if she refuses to return to her mums home what will happen? If she decides she wants to stay here and see her mum outside of the home is this something a court would agree with? I'd also love to have a serious conversation about my son as he's so unhappy but I understand as he's so young his wishes may not be considered.

I'm all new to this so any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

I ask if you are in a position to have both children full-time as when I suddenly became a single parent I had to take time off work to sort out childcare etc and then I had to request to go part-time as both my dc were in different schools and logistically I couldn’t make it work.

Definitely get some legal advice asap. Your 13yo is old enough to have her views listened to and respected. The 7yo is a bit less certain.

i have a friend who was in a similar position with an 11yo who didn’t want to see her dad anymore (at all) and they had to go to court. The 11yo had various meetings with social workers explaining she didn’t want to see her dad and why, and then say the same in court. I suppose they have to make sure the child isn’t being put under pressure to say this.

good luck.

Get legal advice and certainly do not hand over to a non parent

where did all his stuff go?

at nearly 13 she can certainly decide but I would get legal advice

That's so sad. Your poor kids. I can't believe a mum would be so cruel to her own kids, especially the 7 year old.

This is sad, my mum asked me and my sister first before my stepdad moved in prior to them getting married, his kids were grown up so less complicated than for your kids, and she was serious when she said if we weren't happy it wasn't happening.

I knewnif I said no she would 100% never ever move him I'm and he'd have understood too. It's so sad that your kids expressed their dismay and were steam rolled over.

They're well within their right to want to live with you as their father. And daughter is old enough in court to voice her wishes and have them upheld.

How come he has his children full time, do they not see their mother

Your poor children, I’m so sorry this has happened to them.

My children would be heartbroken if I did this to them- their rooms are so important to them - it’s their safe place.

It’s awful when parents move new partners in at the expense of their children.

The partner doesn’t have parental responsibility so he has no right to take your children out of your care - either of them.

I agree you need to take legal advice asap and potentially take this back to court. Your daughter’s views will be listened to, and they will also consider what’s best for your son.

It’s good to hear you’re approaching this in terms of stepping up yourself, rather than trying to force your ex to change things because ultimate she’s not going to.

Besides what other people have said,

Get outside cameras up ASAP.

Be ready to record and upload.

If partner comes, do not open the door, tell him to go away, call your police emergency # and record.

Good luck and you're looking out for your kids.👍

OP - you can keep the kids and not return them - if this is what the kids actually prefer.
Her bf has no right to be picking them up,
or forcing the kids to come with him.

It will not be pretty and stressful. I’d get some
legal advice and get ahead of her and file yourself. I’d file to have kids as a primary carer - with exW having them EOW, or smth.

Legal advice asap!

If you have a court order you need to follow that, but apply to have it changed according to your kids wishes.

If no court order then they can't force them back but I'd try to arrange mediation and failing that court to sort it out legally.

For starters, I would tell my ex that I won’t be forcing my child to go with someone they aren’t happy to go with, especially as they aren’t a parent. What message would that send to your child if you forced them to go. I would also say that you are happy to sit down and come to an agreement, but with your children and parents only as they are the decision makers. In addition I would explain that you are keeping your daughter for at least the weekend so that she can calm down and feel comfortable. Then when she is calm I would ask what she actually wants. What’s ex’s partners arrangements with their kids?

Are his children there for 100% of the week? I really feel for your kids.

Dear Ex,

This is a difficult situation and we will do our best to resolve things. For now, though, I believe it is best for the children to stay here until we have all talked about and resolved some of the issues.

You are perfectly welcome to come and discuss the situation with A and B. However, any attempt to remove them from their home will be resisted and the police called.

Suggest I take them to the beach tomorrow to clear their heads, and we discuss on Sunday.

Keep your daughter with you if thats what she wants, the ex can do nothing about this as long as your children are safe with you and there are no court orders in place and you are on the birth certificate as her father. Do not be bullied by this selfish mother. !

I agree with this.

I’m really concerned about this man who sounds like an absolute bullying - blazing in there and redecorating 😡

This - but make it clear conversations are parent to parent only

Keep your daughter there and don’t get into any discussion with the ‘partner’ whatsoever about anything ever. None of his business.

This is appalling parenting. Do not let them go back. They have two parents and the right to decide which one they live with.

Social services wont really do much, the threshold is quite high for them to get involved. If your daughter is refusing to return home there's nothing the Police etc can do as there are no orders in place. Id be speaking to a solicitor about getting a residence order in place and asking them to appoint a children's court officer. Talk to childrens school, have the reported any change in behaviour/concerns since this happened, get evidence that its in your childs best interests to remain with you. I dont think what your wife has done is good but legally its within her rights, it does show that the children are not her priority but rather this new relationship

No this is completely unacceptable. If there is no court order and the children want to stay with you, then she will have to make an application to court. If her partner turns up then call the police. She is taking the absolute piss.

Unless you think they are in danger, my advice is to stick with the agreement and tell DD you will look into options around the custody agreement if she's certain its whst she wants, without making promises.

I'd also scope what her ideal situation would be I.e. does she only want to see her mother outside of the home and is that realistic (I expect not - there's no reason her mum can't expect her to go round for tea) and set expectations when she stays over to be more in line with what you'd expect if she lived there permanently I.e. get her to bring some homework and enforce the meals and bedtimes you'd expect, which may be different if you only see her at weekends and are more relaxed.

One point I should raise is that you may well end up splitting the children up. My sibling and I were split abd we have virtually zero relationship as adults (deep down I think we were jealous of the other getting more time with the other parent and both felt some abandonment). If your daughter moves in, there is a strong chance that her happiness will be at the expense of your son who will feel more alone.

So think carefully about moving forward and timing and I'd try to think carefully rather than acting emotionally and keeping your daughter past 6pm and inflating the situation. Last minute custody changes in the guise of "rescuing" your daughter because she doesn't like her new family situation isn't going to look good.

I wondered about that too

You need to complete an F9, child court intimation, form. If you want to formalise the contact/ child arrangements moving forward.

I think it's reasonable for your 13 year old to choose where she lives. She is old enough to decide. Shes also old enough to arrangge her own contact. Your 11 year olds thought will be considered.

i think your ex is being unreasonable. I wouldn't want to share my room with a stranger. She basically telling them tough cheese snd to suck it up. I'm not surprised the kids are put out by it.

You don't have a court order and presuming you have parental responsibility you can keep both children with you.

I would advicate for the children and make them avalible for contact.

You ex shouldnt be treatening to send round the partner. Its not his buisness. If he turns up and causes a scene then id call the police.

This new partner must be an absolutely despicable person to have gone into a 7 year olds room, thrown all his favourite things away and turned it into a teenagers lair. I wonder if your ex is being controlled by him. Is she normally this careless of her kids feelings or is this out of character for her? Maybe you could do some digging on him, if he has a history or any evidence of domestic abuse or similar that would strengthen your case to have the kids full time unless/until she gets rid of the new man.

I bet the new partner’s children aren’t too thrilled with this either.