EX wife has moved new partner and kids in and my children are unhappy.

[David850]

I'm a dad of two children, 13 year old daughter and 7 year old son.

Two months ago my ex moved her new partner and his two children in with her, she lives in a 3 bed house so both kids are now sharing with his children, it's been a very tough two months for them and they are miserable.

My son is now sharing a room with this man's 11 year old son, my son is a big spiderman fan and his whole room was themed around this, walls, lights, posters, bedding etc but last weekend ex's new partner decorated the room, painted over the spiderman decor, took everything down, dumped my sons bed and furniture and replaced it with a bunk bed (son hates it, he's on the bottom bunk and says he feels cramped and hates that a bed is on top of him) I've been told the room is now white with a huge Xbox theme going on, apparently there is a few spiderman items remaining but my daughter has said at least 80% has been removed, and a large amount of the room is taken up by this boys gaming desk/chair and TV. My son is extremely upset, it's such a big adjustment to have this man and two kids move in but to fully change his bedroom and get rid of his stuff in his own home is unacceptable.

The daughter is 12, I belive she and my daughter are only a matter or months apart, she's so upset about this girl being moved in to her room, hers hasn't really been redecorated but her double bed has been removed and replaced with two singles and she's been forced to take half of her things off the walls and remove half of her things from her wardrobe, she's currently having to store items in boxes under her bed.

My ex is saying that the room situation was discussed with the kids and I do believe this but when the kids disagreed and said they don't want to share rooms she shut them down and said it was happening.

School has broke up today for summer and my daughter is saying she's not going back to her mums, I've asked what her main reason is and she has said that she refuses to continue to sleep in the same room as a stranger and she feels uncomfortable, I have discussed this with my ex and said i will keep her with me for the weekend and she's said that if they are not returned by 6pm she will be sending her partner around to collect them.

I need some advice as I've never had to deal with this before, we share the kids 50/50, my daughter is 13 so it's not like she can just be picked up and forced in the car, if she refuses to return to her mums home what will happen? If she decides she wants to stay here and see her mum outside of the home is this something a court would agree with? I'd also love to have a serious conversation about my son as he's so unhappy but I understand as he's so young his wishes may not be considered.

I'm all new to this so any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

On a practical note, I would point out to your ex that sending her new chap around to try to strong arm your daughter into going back to her house is not likely to improve her relationship with him or her perception of how her views are being listened to following the move.

As you don’t have a court order in place, in England, it would be up to you whether the children returned or not. If she wanted to force the issue, she would need to go to court. I don’t know if Scotland is different on that. Keep the children tonight, and get legal advice asap. Keep all communication with your ex in writing/ text/ email, and document it, as you might need to prove that she KNEW you were keeping the children and why, as opposed to leaving her in the dark, worried about their well-being.

Sympathies to your kids OP. My dad (after my mum died) did this, with two kids a year either side of me in age, and it was horrific. I was never relaxed at home again.

If you're ex was was really set on moving the other family in, I think she should have kept the siblings together in a room each, just for familiarity.

I feel for your kids, they must be finding this all so uncomfortable. Now their safe space has been taken over but children they barely know.

Be their safe space, but also encourage a good relationship with your ex wife too. The last thing they need is to be picking sides, when this can all be resolved with an honest chat.

Hope it all works out so everybody is happy.

Sorry this is happening OP. Best you can do is be there for your kids. If your DD does not want to go back, make sure she knows she has a home wherever you are always. More important your DD knows you were there when she needed you than keeping your ex happy.
Any trouble with the ex new partner ring the police.
Sorry to say but your ex sounds like she is only thinking of her needs. What child wouldn’t be upset to have so much change in such a short space of time. Even as adults I’d struggle to share a room with a stranger! 🚩 Red flag too her new partner couldn’t house his own children!
Back your kids, be reasonable and calm and keep a record of all herein in case you ever need it. Email good for evidence.

I've been through this., at a similar age, and it waw awful. I still hold resentment towards my mum as she always prioritised boyfriends over my happiness.

Your instincts are spot on and your children will always be grateful to you for intervening/supporting them through this.

She’s a horrible selfish mother.

My own mother did this to us and it resulted in my sister moving out and I would spend as much time as possible out of the house and at my grandparents.

It deeply impacted us all and we struggled at school badly due to the strain of having to share a bedroom and having no space away from children we didn’t know and now had to share our most intimate space with. Conflict became constant because my stuff was touched. I was allowed no personal space. Imagine being forced to share your bedroom with a stranger just because you are the same gender/similar ages.

She’s an absolute prick for making your 7yr old take down his Spider-Man stuff.

Something that I will try to word delicately but that is important is I was SA’d by one of the children that moved in with us and so was my younger sibling. Please make sure both your children know that they can tell you anything anytime, how to keep their bodies safe, boys are at as much risk as girls please make sure your son is safe too.

Reading this genuinely makes me feel sick. Your ex has moved strangers in to their home and taken away their only safe space and now they have to sleep next to strangers. She also doesn’t know this man after 11 months.

Id fight for full custody over this.

I would keep both children with you, take legal advice and let your ex take you to court. It's very unlikely that a judge would look kindly on the children having to share a bedroom with strangers, especially if they have a room each at yours and have expressed that they want to live with you. If your ex's partner turns up at your home, call the police and don't answer the door to him.

How awful this has happened to your children. To have their own mother and some man they really hardly know do this to them and their precious belongings. It's just literally trampling all over their feelings and their own private space.
Their mother has obviously not put her own children first, I wonder if it was the man's idea to move himself and his children into the house. Where did they all live before?
I find it really upsetting reading your OP, especially for your son is so young.
I hope you get legal advice, your daughter sounds like she can make up her own mind.
Their mother better watch out because the children won't forget this, having their safe space invaded. She might find in the future the children won't want anything to do with her, which will be her own fault.
Please protect them, also if the new man comes round and starts threatening, I'd be phoning the police.

This is an awful thing to happen to your DC they must be feeling very upset and betrayed. It amazes me what people are allowed to do to their children that would seen as unacceptable if it happened to adults.
I would say don't rush into anything though, if you keep your daughter will your ex retaliate and stop you seeing your son? Has her behaviour changed since she has been with this Cuckoo of a man? Is there the possibility of her being controlled?
I think PP's have a good point about your DS not having as much agency as you DD in this situation. If you are stopped from seeing him and he is stuck in that household it will be horrible for him.
Any chance of family mediation or something similar with your ex and DC?

You have no court agreement so if you can facilitate it then tell your ex the kids are staying with you all summer holidays. 50/50 does not have to be one day here, one day there, or one week here and one week there.

That’s awful. Your children don’t have to return with your ex’s new partner. He has no PR and no relevance.
I think you need to get a formal court order as your ex clearly isn’t thinking if she thinks that this is appropriate. Does the ex’s partner have his kids 50/50 or full time?

Just chiming in to say I agree with everyone else, this is appalling and your ex is disgraceful as is her new partner - I bets his kids aren’t too happy either. I would let them stay at yours permanently if that’s what they want. I would encourage it as well.

If she takes it to court I think you’d win as you have space for them in your house and the older one especially will be considered competent to decide for herself and then they won’t want to split up the siblings.

I am not saying this is happening to your children or it will but as an fyi there can also be safeguarding concerns around these things.

I used to work for social services. I remember seeing an appalling case where all 3 siblings were sexually abused by their mums new partners children after they moved in.

Make it clear to your ex the reasons why the kids are not returning and consult a family lawyer if there’s any pushback.

This is really unfair on the kids a court will always act in the childs best interests .
Your son and daughter are old enough to say where they want to stay and why.
Threatening you with her new partner that he will come and take the kids will be laughed at by a judge ...Apply for a order from the court in the meantime you are an equal in your children's lives you are important for there continued stability.
If they refuse to go back to mums it is a civil matter and the courts will want to know why.
Tell your kids they can stay with you you are not breaking any laws if they are unhappy it is in their best interests they stay with you for now x

How long has your ex been seeing this man? Have all the children not been introduced to each other over a long period before moving in?
@CarrotVan
I see OP has answered this and it was 11 months but even if they’d been introduced over a longer period of time it’s still not acceptable as the kids in this case are clearly unhappy with it .

I’d have hated it if my mum had moved some man with children in especially if I’d been forced to share my room with them, no matter how many years I’d known them for.

Feels quite inappropriate that your 7 year old is being asked to share with an 11 year old boy. If not already, then over the next few years this child is going to go through puberty and whatever that entails e.g. watching inappropriate material on his computer in their shared space. There's a reason why it's recommended that children over 10 have their own room.

I would say that whatever you can do to give your children a feeling of control at your house e.g. choosing something entirely on their own for their bedrooms at your house will be very helpful for them, given they are losing all sense of control in their mother's house.

What a selfish woman your ex is that is terrible for
your kids. I would not dream of doing this to my daughter. Horrid.

In which case you can keep her at your house, I believe and there is nothing your ex can do.

This is absolutely appalling. Far too soon to try and blend families. I’m disgusted. The idea that your ex would send her boyfriend (hardly a partner after 1 year!) round to collect your daughter is horrible. Without her mother there??

There is absolutely no way I would pack my daughter in a car with an unrelated man I didn’t personally know or trust. Especially not if she didn’t want to go. I’m not surprised your kids feel uncomfortable, the whole situation has been forced on them and it sounds like the boyfriends kids have quickly become priority.

Bloody hell OP..... I am enraged for you. Truly appalling behaviour from your ex.

I think you need to go round to your ex's house with the kids, to have a discussion about everything and involve the children, if possible.

Clearly, your ex isn't considering the kids enough here, but to say she's a terrible mother for being in a relationship and wanting to live with her partner is a bit strong, though it is very soon if only 11 months into the relationship and her partner also has kids.

You need a way to resolve this, and it's all well and good everyone being on your side, but do you really need to encourage the kids not to stay with their mum?

I would take the tactic of keeping her on side and trying to support her in getting this ironed out.
In order to see Mum, even if they lived with you more than the current 50% , they will need to stay in her house. Surely not seeing her at all will be just as disruptive and upsetting.

They may be young still, especially your boy, but giving them a say and explaining the situation fairly and openly may make the world of a difference, rather than being told to just accept it when they had a different life before.

It's worth checking the law on children sharing rooms. Pretty sure that there is something about boys and girls not sharing over 12, but not sure about 2 the same sex.

Don't forget there are lots of large families that just have to get on with this.
For example, what if your partner went on to have more children with her new partner... and then the kids had to share with their half siblings? What would be the opinion then?

BTW, I am not like the mum, in my experience my children have had this happen with their dad and his new extended step family. My son, at 16 was expected to sleep on a sofa bed every time he stayed over, sharing a room with a child half his age. Needless to say when revising for his recent GCSEs, he stopped going as he never had any peace and could revise better here with me, his decision which I supported.

This is why my comment included concerns over his children’s safety. I’m very very worried for the 7ur old little boy sharing with a soon to be teen!

What a load of tosh.

Where are her partner and his kids going to piss off to? There aren’t any other options but her children being forced to share their private space. She is a shit mother. She hasn’t even known this man a year. They are absolutely strangers and she’s risking her children’s emotional health, safety and comfort in their own homes just to have a boyfriend.

My 12 and 8 yo boys share a room by choice and this is totally normal.

there are enough issues for the OP without inventing cause for concern

Bloody hell. 11 months?!?!

id be going to court and keeping my daughter. If she sends her boyfriend call the police.