EX wife has moved new partner and kids in and my children are unhappy.

[David850]

I'm a dad of two children, 13 year old daughter and 7 year old son.

Two months ago my ex moved her new partner and his two children in with her, she lives in a 3 bed house so both kids are now sharing with his children, it's been a very tough two months for them and they are miserable.

My son is now sharing a room with this man's 11 year old son, my son is a big spiderman fan and his whole room was themed around this, walls, lights, posters, bedding etc but last weekend ex's new partner decorated the room, painted over the spiderman decor, took everything down, dumped my sons bed and furniture and replaced it with a bunk bed (son hates it, he's on the bottom bunk and says he feels cramped and hates that a bed is on top of him) I've been told the room is now white with a huge Xbox theme going on, apparently there is a few spiderman items remaining but my daughter has said at least 80% has been removed, and a large amount of the room is taken up by this boys gaming desk/chair and TV. My son is extremely upset, it's such a big adjustment to have this man and two kids move in but to fully change his bedroom and get rid of his stuff in his own home is unacceptable.

The daughter is 12, I belive she and my daughter are only a matter or months apart, she's so upset about this girl being moved in to her room, hers hasn't really been redecorated but her double bed has been removed and replaced with two singles and she's been forced to take half of her things off the walls and remove half of her things from her wardrobe, she's currently having to store items in boxes under her bed.

My ex is saying that the room situation was discussed with the kids and I do believe this but when the kids disagreed and said they don't want to share rooms she shut them down and said it was happening.

School has broke up today for summer and my daughter is saying she's not going back to her mums, I've asked what her main reason is and she has said that she refuses to continue to sleep in the same room as a stranger and she feels uncomfortable, I have discussed this with my ex and said i will keep her with me for the weekend and she's said that if they are not returned by 6pm she will be sending her partner around to collect them.

I need some advice as I've never had to deal with this before, we share the kids 50/50, my daughter is 13 so it's not like she can just be picked up and forced in the car, if she refuses to return to her mums home what will happen? If she decides she wants to stay here and see her mum outside of the home is this something a court would agree with? I'd also love to have a serious conversation about my son as he's so unhappy but I understand as he's so young his wishes may not be considered.

I'm all new to this so any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

You need legal advice from someone experienced in family matters OP. What your ex has done is absolutely awful - your poor DC

This makes me so sad. I would be getting legal advice asap, the new partner can come and see for himself that your daughter doesn’t want to go. He can’t force her

Your daughter is old enough to choose where she lives. However it's definitely better to do it in a planned way than just not send her home. However she can't be made to go home and you absolutely don't have to hand her over to her mum's partner and if she absolutely doesn't want to go with him then she doesn't have to. I would absolutely urge you to discuss it properly with the mum and make a plan for her to move to you at the appropriate time that won't impact school.

Also at 13 if it was taken to court they would take the child's wants very much in to account, it's not like when they're under 10 and can just decide on a whim and change their minds every other week.

My daughter decided at 12 that she no longer wanted to stay at her dads and the court listened and granted her wishes.
Op what court orders are in place?
Your ex is a nasty piece of work.

Your children stay with you. Do not hand them over, do not answer the door. Just no. If he gets aggressive, call the police. He is not their parent. He has no parental rights. Your ex can force you to hand the kids over if she has a court order for 50/50 but otherwise, no. Notify the school of this to avoid them being taken from there.

She can go to court if she wants them home. And they’ll tell the court they don’t want to be there.

We just share the children 50/50 we've never been to court as the current arrangement has always suited us, this is the first disagreement we've had.

Are you in the UK?

If you were married and there was a financial settlement, AND the children move in with you full time it could potentially allow the financial settlement to be reopened

My children have their own bedrooms in my house and have only ever met my partner of two years outside of the house at parks, cinema etc

Also, you need to set up a camera now recording. Sit with both of your children. Ask them to tell you, truthfully, how they feel. Ask them clear, open-ended and non-leading questions. This will be evidence that they have chosen to be at yours, want to be at yours and have their own reasons for it.

Make sure you keep a record of every single thing. I’d take her telling you she’s sending her partner round for the children if they aren’t returned against their will as a threat. I’d even suggest logging it now with the non emergency police and getting a crime reference number. Tell them your partner has threatened that she’s sending this man who is no relation to the children to come and take them, and you’re frightened about what is going to happen. This will not be a good start for her when she’s trying to make a reasonable argument about why the children should stay with her

When me and my husband got together we had a 3 bed house with 4 girls between us (my three were 10, 7 and 5 and his daughter was 2) we immediately started looking for a new house and moved so to a 4 bed so that my youngest two could continue sharing, my eldest and his daughter had their own rooms. We wouldn't have moved in together if this hadn't been happening.

No child arrangement order. We are in scotland, I believe she's been seeing this man for around 11 months and yes kids had met but aren't really friends.

This is absolutely outrageous. If it's real (and I hope it isn't) your ex is a terrible mother and the kids will loathe her for it.

That sounds like an incredibly tough situation for both your children and for you as their dad. You’re clearly trying your best to advocate for them, and it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed right now.
From what you’ve described, it seems like your ex has made some major changes without properly considering how disruptive this would be for your kids—especially when they already have to adjust to a new blended family dynamic. It’s not just about physical space, but emotional space too, and it sounds like both of them are really struggling.
A few thoughts and suggestions:
Your daughter’s age matters: At 13, her views will start to carry weight in the eyes of the court, especially if she's expressing distress about her home environment. Family courts generally prefer shared care when it's in the best interests of the child, but they also take into account the child’s wishes as they get older.
Your son’s situation: While he's younger, that doesn't mean his voice is ignored. If he’s genuinely upset by the changes and it’s affecting his wellbeing, that’s something you can raise—first with your ex, and if needed, via mediation or legal routes. Even small children are entitled to feel safe and heard in their own home.
Keep everything documented: Write down what’s been said by your children, what actions you’ve taken, and any communication with your ex. If things escalate and you do need to speak to a solicitor or mediator, having a record will help.
Mediation: You might want to consider suggesting mediation to your ex—either through a local service or via your solicitor. It can be a constructive way to talk about your children’s needs without it becoming a battle.
Legal advice: It might be worth getting a free initial consultation with a family solicitor. Many offer this, and they can talk you through your rights and options, especially if your daughter refuses to return and your ex threatens legal action.
Safety concerns: If your daughter is refusing to return and your ex is sending her partner to "collect" them, you have every right to be cautious. If your daughter is genuinely distressed, forcing her to go back could be emotionally damaging. If needed, you can contact the police (non-emergency line) or social services for advice on what to do if things escalate.
Lastly, I just want to say—you’re not overreacting, and your instincts are right. Kids need stability and to feel like they belong in both homes. If that’s not happening at their mum’s house right now, it absolutely makes sense to pause and re-evaluate what's best for them.

Are you in a position to look after the children full time? Would your son want to be with you too?

No advice, but you sound like a lovely, caring Dad, and the kids are lucky to have you.

Wishing you well.

If you're happy to have them I'd move them in with you.
Mothers don't always get custody.
It really rotten on a teenage girl. I suspect the partner didn't have a proper home and thought it was a good idea to play families with your ex wife. We read it everyday on here. Men sofa surfing, with parents or in a cheap rental find a willing woman to step into providing housing and child care. Your ex wife shouldn't be so naive. Her problem but I'm glad you're sorted and care about your children.

If the new partner turns up, you probably need to try to have a civilised conversation with him around the fact that he obviously can't force two unwilling children into his car, you are not making them stay and you are happy for them to tell him in person whether they want to go with him or not. If he won't listen, be prepared to call the police.

Don’t even engage. A parent doesn’t calmly explain to a non-parent why children who don’t want to go with that non-parent aren’t going with that non-parent.

Your poor children, my heart breaks especially for your little boy. It must have been devastating to lose all the stuff he loved and also 'gain' a step dad who has no respect for him, and have a mother who is not standing up for him.

I'm so sorry OP, this must be incredibly stressful for you all.

Stay calm and focus on your children and what they want. Your ex and her new partner should ideally have waited to move in together until they could find somewhere where the children could all have their own space. What about his ex? Is she still around? I don't understand why your son's room has to be decorated to suit this other little boy

Only 11 months and she's moved him and his 2 kids in and turned your own kids lives upside-down?!?! 11 months is no time at all getting to know someone, especially when there are kids involved.

What an awful thing to happen to your kids. That is absolutely NOT ok just to take down all the spiderman stuff and re-decorate.

If your ex was serious about this partner, she should have waited until they could afford to move to a suitable sized property for 4 kids, not forcing them to share.

Your 13 year old is nearly old enough to have her own say. If she says she doesn't want to share with this girl and doesn't want to return to her mums then you cannot force her. BUT... it might be helpful if she tells her mum how this change has made her feel and explain why she doesn't want to stay.

As for the 7 year old, you need to speak on his behalf. Tell your ex that your son is very upset that his room has been changed so much and also doesn't want to share.

I'd be tempted to say that until she finds more suitable accommodation for all of them, then the kids will be residing with you, and she can have them 3 evenings a week (but not staying over) and staying with her every other weekend, then returning to 50-50 once she has a suitable arrangement.

Parents really should put their kids first. It's really sh*t what your ex has done. But as a teacher, this happens a lot - I often have to deal with unhappy kids in these situations.

Poor children. What a selfish woman to move a partner and kids in when there isn't enough space. @David850 good on you for being there for them. Your daughter can choose to live with you permanently. Go to court when you have asked her if she's sure that's what she wants. A 7 y old shouldn't have a gaming station and a tv in his room. Your ex is a horrible parent !