EX wife has moved new partner and kids in and my children are unhappy.

[David850]

I'm a dad of two children, 13 year old daughter and 7 year old son.

Two months ago my ex moved her new partner and his two children in with her, she lives in a 3 bed house so both kids are now sharing with his children, it's been a very tough two months for them and they are miserable.

My son is now sharing a room with this man's 11 year old son, my son is a big spiderman fan and his whole room was themed around this, walls, lights, posters, bedding etc but last weekend ex's new partner decorated the room, painted over the spiderman decor, took everything down, dumped my sons bed and furniture and replaced it with a bunk bed (son hates it, he's on the bottom bunk and says he feels cramped and hates that a bed is on top of him) I've been told the room is now white with a huge Xbox theme going on, apparently there is a few spiderman items remaining but my daughter has said at least 80% has been removed, and a large amount of the room is taken up by this boys gaming desk/chair and TV. My son is extremely upset, it's such a big adjustment to have this man and two kids move in but to fully change his bedroom and get rid of his stuff in his own home is unacceptable.

The daughter is 12, I belive she and my daughter are only a matter or months apart, she's so upset about this girl being moved in to her room, hers hasn't really been redecorated but her double bed has been removed and replaced with two singles and she's been forced to take half of her things off the walls and remove half of her things from her wardrobe, she's currently having to store items in boxes under her bed.

My ex is saying that the room situation was discussed with the kids and I do believe this but when the kids disagreed and said they don't want to share rooms she shut them down and said it was happening.

School has broke up today for summer and my daughter is saying she's not going back to her mums, I've asked what her main reason is and she has said that she refuses to continue to sleep in the same room as a stranger and she feels uncomfortable, I have discussed this with my ex and said i will keep her with me for the weekend and she's said that if they are not returned by 6pm she will be sending her partner around to collect them.

I need some advice as I've never had to deal with this before, we share the kids 50/50, my daughter is 13 so it's not like she can just be picked up and forced in the car, if she refuses to return to her mums home what will happen? If she decides she wants to stay here and see her mum outside of the home is this something a court would agree with? I'd also love to have a serious conversation about my son as he's so unhappy but I understand as he's so young his wishes may not be considered.

I'm all new to this so any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

I'll echo the others. If you have full custody, it doesn't mean the kids wont see their mother. Similarly, joint custody does not mean that the kids are 50/50, it can be non-equal split aswell.

I feel for you and i feel for them. Weirdly for me, the messed up part is that he can't even have spiderman bedding. I can in theory understand the logic with taking the stuff away from joint places in the room (like the lamp). But the bedding was so unnecessary that it was done to send a message.

Let your ex calm down, start shopping for solicitors. Prepare yourself for potential mediation if she's not willing to have a calm conversation in private.

So your ex dated a man for about 9 months before moving him in and 2 months later your kids stuff gets thrown out to accommodate his kids - that is pretty horrible behaviour. Is she is a strong person, it does sound a bit like she is being manipulated and her new partner is a bit of a cocklodger! It is very fast for kids to meet a new partner let alone move them in. Tell them if she wants the kids back 50:50 the guy can pitch in and pay towards them getting a bigger house with more bedrooms or pay for an extension - does he work? I would also enquire about what exactly they did with the light fittings etc… Maybe check ebay/vinted and see if you can pick him up some Spidey bits and pieces.

You need to get a solicitor and go to family court asap. Do not return the children if they do not want to go, because if they go back they may not be allowed to see you as they will want to stay.
your ex is awful and has lost the plot. She has allowed the children to lose their home and identity, and is now wondering what has happened because it’s not gone her way. What a stupid person.

Good luck to his ex turning up to mediation or court and having photos of his amazing Spiderman room shown then having to say oh I threw it all out including the bedding because this older kid he met 2 months ago wouldn’t like it. Now you have to make him come back to my house to share his bedroom with this stranger!!

This sounds so bizarre, I think it maybe a bit more complicated on the mums side.....for e.g is she no longer able to afford to pay for the house on her own?

She could have been manipulated into the situation but she could also have been struggling to make ends meet and made the decision as an economic one.

I am not defending her by the way, she could have moved into a smaller house and have the kids share a room if things were bad. I just think that generally we assume our ex partners are selfish when sometimes life forces them to make certain decisions

Firstly I am so sorry, and well done you as well for reaching out.

Blended Families can work, but I think a bigger house would have been better and to have waited until then, or at least a different arrangement to this. Also his kids must feel a bit weird. If they had all been bought up together they at least would know each other for a longer time.

Both girls at these tender ages when things are starting, to share with a kind of stranger does happen, but must be very difficult and personal areas now shared. I can understand why she wants to leave.
I cannot for one moment if I was this Mum of allowing her 7yr olds beloved bedroom altered in this way, that to me struck the hardest note.

I don’t know what the solution is, but this feels like the children were not listened to properly, it was more of a statement and could bear issues in the future.

How you play the next bit I think you have to be delicate or she may feel you’re capitalising on a moment. Ask for a meet up on neutral grounds, calmly discuss the children’s issues and mention daughter would like to move in with you. Calmly ask all to consider this is a viable option, maybe ask for a fortnight / month bedding in period at Mums and see how the daughter feels after this time (I purely mention this so all feel it’s not rash - although it could be said their move was in the first place).

I hope your post helps others understand the plight for some when moving families together. I know it can work ok, but as with any family it also can be very tricky.

I’m so sorry you and your children are going through this. This is a classic example of a parent completely discounting the needs of their children. Unfortunately this will have an impact and will likely cause internalised trauma later on in life. Ensure you keep talking to your children and offering the emotional support that you seem to be doing already.

As for the new partner making threats to your children, that is definitely not okay; you are their father, you call the shots. You have every right to make that call if you need to involve police/, but hopefully it won’t come to that. Please keep us posted.

Seek legal advice and Go to court and the children's views will be taken into account.

I felt for your children, and although I have no advice, I was wondering how things are going @David850? A really difficult situation.

You need to speak to your ex and don’t send your kids back until you do. If you are not willing to take them full time then you need to enforce a solution for your kids that works in their favour.

Have you managed to have any sort of conversation with your ex?

Sorry for your situation. I have no advice apart from the raw chicken cat. I assume you mean sphynx / Donskoy or even a Peterbald? The cat community is a little crazy but there will be so much support. They aren’t like normal cats, can’t go outside unaccompanied, need bathing, ears cleaning ect. Your daughter is lucky you are taking the cat in too. I was always a dog person until I owned my Donskoy and I’ve had a sphinx too. They aren’t the nicest cats in the world- promise.

I just wanted to say OP it's great your advocating for your kids so strongly, hope you manage to sort things out their mum sounds awful. I think they would be better off with you I know you say you want them to have a relationship with the mum but at what cost.

The 13 year old should be able to say what she wants. In England she will be interviewed by a social worker with no parent present. I had to go to court in over contact with my DC many years ago as my ex was breaking the informal visiting arangements all the time because he felt he had a right to do so whilst threatening me with investigation by the CSA - I think they would have said I was paying more than I needed to (though it was not more than I wanted to, they are my DC I wanted them to be well cared for). I went for 50% custody (ex had lied in court that the custody arrangement was in place btw) but suspect I would have got 100% had I asked for it - he was being a complete pain in the bum.
This situation sounds toxic and selfish on the part of the DC's mother. And throwing their stuff out is outrageous.

Your poor kids. Your ex has been really unfair to prioritise her wants over your kids' wellbeing. It's sad your son has had his spiderman room trashed and someone moved in.

This is truly awful and really weighs heavy on my heart. I think you need to be prepared to draft in a solicitor, and possibly contact the police so think that through and try to get your head around how that might go.
I think the most sensible option is to let your children stay with you for the moment while they feel so upset about the situation, bear in mind this is likely to change and they may wish to return back home, but for now you are their safe space.
There is no reason why you cannot keep your children at your home if that is their expressed wish for now. No one can force them to go home but certainly other services can become involved to mediate between them and their Mother.
I would imagine their mother is panicking and highly stressed just now, which is why she is incapable of a calm and logical conversation. I struggle to have any sympathy for her though as I can't imagine treating my own children this way and think it should be blatantly obvious that this situation would cause them to feel deeply uncomfortable in their own home. The very place where they are supposed to feel most safe, secure and important.
I was a child of a single parent and this would have been my absolute worst nightmare. Especially at such a difficult age.
I really hope you get some resolve and some peace of mind from this. I also hope your children do avail of the opportunity to stay with you more often if it makes them happy.

No brainer they live with your dc can have their rooms back they way they to. Your ex has put her needs clearly above her children’s needs and this can be demonstrated in court
best

I agree

11 months is no time to meet and create a new blended family that are forced to share rooms - sounds like this guy might be calling the shots here.

Because there is no court order you won’t be in breach of one by keeping the children with you, that makes a big difference.
Your 13 year old will be able to choose where she lives. That’s straightforward.
A court will decide where your 7 year old lives if you can’t reach agreement. However they will take his wishes into account but will also look at his safety, welfare and comfort. It will also help that his sibling lives with you as the courts don’t really like to split siblings up.
The odds are in your favour.
Keep them with you, try to keep communication open with the Ex (she won’t see it clearly and will think you’ve “stolen” them from her”) and seek legal
advice tomorrow. Good luck.

They got married after 11 months?

Why do people prioritise their wants over their kids needs and wellbeing like this? So bloody selfish. She could have continued dating him. She only has her kids 50% of the time so could have spent her whole 50% off time with him.

The selfishness of your ex is absolutely infuriating . It’s a delicate situation & her relationship with her biological children should be more important than setting up home with her new lover & his children . The kids have already lost their father from the home . I speak from experience as one of my family members has done this on 2 separate occasions when she moved her new partner & kids in , both relationships broke down & her kids have never forgiven her for putting her own needs above theirs . The last relationship ended when her new partner became violent towards her kids ( but not his own ) . By all means have a new relationship but don’t disrupt the home life of your kids . The children in this post are still entitled to their privacy . His daughter should be able to live with her dad if she chooses . I feel very sorry for these kids .

I really do feel for you and your DC, but, are you in a position to have them live with you full time? Do you work if so who will look after them if your at work and they are back from school, or on school holiday or ill? Does your new partner stay overnight and do they like her/her like them? Or do they expect you to stay single? Could they go to their mother's after school then sleep at yours? I think I'd work things out and then ask for a meeting with your ex to see if you can work the situation out, then a meeting with kids involved as well. But I would seek professional advice just incase she refuses to discuss things, and I'd definitely not agree to her new partner being included. Good luck, I hope kids end up happy whatever the outcome.

Yes, it didn’t last obviously 😂 It was I think about 7 years, then we all had to cope with the aftermath too which was probably more traumatic!