EX wife has moved new partner and kids in and my children are unhappy.

[David850]

I'm a dad of two children, 13 year old daughter and 7 year old son.

Two months ago my ex moved her new partner and his two children in with her, she lives in a 3 bed house so both kids are now sharing with his children, it's been a very tough two months for them and they are miserable.

My son is now sharing a room with this man's 11 year old son, my son is a big spiderman fan and his whole room was themed around this, walls, lights, posters, bedding etc but last weekend ex's new partner decorated the room, painted over the spiderman decor, took everything down, dumped my sons bed and furniture and replaced it with a bunk bed (son hates it, he's on the bottom bunk and says he feels cramped and hates that a bed is on top of him) I've been told the room is now white with a huge Xbox theme going on, apparently there is a few spiderman items remaining but my daughter has said at least 80% has been removed, and a large amount of the room is taken up by this boys gaming desk/chair and TV. My son is extremely upset, it's such a big adjustment to have this man and two kids move in but to fully change his bedroom and get rid of his stuff in his own home is unacceptable.

The daughter is 12, I belive she and my daughter are only a matter or months apart, she's so upset about this girl being moved in to her room, hers hasn't really been redecorated but her double bed has been removed and replaced with two singles and she's been forced to take half of her things off the walls and remove half of her things from her wardrobe, she's currently having to store items in boxes under her bed.

My ex is saying that the room situation was discussed with the kids and I do believe this but when the kids disagreed and said they don't want to share rooms she shut them down and said it was happening.

School has broke up today for summer and my daughter is saying she's not going back to her mums, I've asked what her main reason is and she has said that she refuses to continue to sleep in the same room as a stranger and she feels uncomfortable, I have discussed this with my ex and said i will keep her with me for the weekend and she's said that if they are not returned by 6pm she will be sending her partner around to collect them.

I need some advice as I've never had to deal with this before, we share the kids 50/50, my daughter is 13 so it's not like she can just be picked up and forced in the car, if she refuses to return to her mums home what will happen? If she decides she wants to stay here and see her mum outside of the home is this something a court would agree with? I'd also love to have a serious conversation about my son as he's so unhappy but I understand as he's so young his wishes may not be considered.

I'm all new to this so any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

This new man could be a danger to his children though- there are many many red flags.

Get over yourself I listened more to other reply as they weren't rude just being helpful

"we share the kids 50/50"

Your poor poor boy, (and girl) being so young his things in his room are so so important and be livid they’ve been got rid of!

You can be their safe space - I’d be recreating his Spider-Man room at yours and just eating the cost.

Why is she moving her boyfriend in so quickly? It sounds like he’s been left with two kids and is desperate for a nanny with a fanny asap.

Mum’s boyfriend of 11 months should not be forcing a girl in a car.

How awful for his kids too, staying full time in random kids’ bedrooms. Why do we not think of kids as people with their own feelings

Newsflash- if your daughter is shipping out to her dads to avoid the strangers you’ve brought in to her home just so you can have a live in boyfriend, she is not ‘happy’.
In 10 years time I wonder how your daughter would describe this period of her life?

Urgh, as someone with a SS13, I met him when he was 2, had been dating his dad for a year, took another year before he stayed at my house with me and his dad and, like you everything had been made so special and we had worked so hard to make him feel comfortable. Then we bought a brand new house 5 years ago and involved him the whole build and he has the most wonderful room now. He is a sensitive soul too and the thought of him going through that woudl break my heart.

Your exW has no right to demand anything at this point, she chose to ignore her children’s wishes and ride roughshod over them. I hate this ‘I am their mother’ rubbish. If so, act like it. Keep your children, sort custody and let your children have a voice and advocate for them. Your exW can still see them, they just won’t live with her. Maybe, in time, they will visit her more regularly, but for now they need to know that one of their parents will listen and support them.

As for the new man, none of this is any of his business!! He needs to stay the hell out of it.

This l agree she has put her needs of a bf above her children needs. To redecorate your son's room and prioritise the other boy is totally wrong and any decent
mother wouldn't have let that happen
Hopefully you can go to court and get custody of both children, they can visit your ex when they wish.

I think you misunderstood. She has always gone to her dad's on weekends long before we moved in together. We have been together for 8 years and have children together so not strangers 😂 We didn't move in together until 3 years into the relationship and even then it was gradual. She lives with us full time and only spends one night a week at her dad's. To add the home wasn't the home I shared with her dad its a home that we brought together as a fresh start. It's not just her home. Very different to OPs situation where that was his children's home first.

I would contact social services if I was you, and explain the situation and how you children feel. They might help you get custody of them. It's definitely worth a try.

My husband's kids had this. I. The stepmom on the other side and have no kids of my own . It was actually 3 kids moved in and the relationship with the mum never really recovered. Oldest moved in with us full time and the relationship with both kids is still strained because they felt conned into agreeing to it.

I would say that what they have done to your son is abusive and your ex doesn't deserve to have your DC. SS and court is your only option.
Good luck and please let us know how this situation is resolved.

My daughter is a social worker and says you are perfectly within your rights to keep the children with you if that’s what they want. If the partner or your ex comes to your home and tries to take the children, call the police.
SS will then do an assessment and the wishes of the children will be front and center to that, if you have a safe and secure environment for them and your happy to keep them, end of. They are old enough to know what they want and mum cannot force her will on them.

You should advise her mother to come round herself to try to persuade her daughter to return to her house.She can not force your daughter to return if you have shared parental rights and responsibilities and there is no order re residence. She above all can't "send her partner" to force her. A 13 year old is entitled to have her view taken seriously by her mother and by you, and by the courts if it comes to that but better to work this out if you can without resort to law. Your daughter can get legal aid and be represented if it is the case that her mother tries to force her.

the younger child has rights too and should be listened to. If he wants to stay with his sister and you just now then he should be allowed to. Mother should come round to talk to them and try to persuade them (not tell them!) that they should come home. the new partner has got nothing to do with it. If he turns up just tell him that only their mother can see them and that she is welcome to come round to try to persuade the children to live in the conditions they have imposed on them

Maybe try to see things from the other kids point of view. They’ve had a big move too, all their old spaces taken away from them and maybe having to share is new to them too.
Kids always get the fall out when parents move on.
wishing you all peace, calm and understanding.

Could you, their mother and the kids meet up somewhere neutral together and talk about it?

Agree with the PP saying this is full of red flags. What I haven't seen anyone mention is that it also sounds like he's done a massive power play. The boys bedroom could have been half and half, gaming and spiderman. All of it's awful, including painting over the spiderman mural, but if you're a cunt you could try to jutify it with the redecorating. The bedding is really personal, did not need to be removed and the only possible motive seems like a massive "fuck you I can do what I want and you dont matter" ditto the shit excuse for trespassing into the girls room when she's in bed / PJs. Absolutely horrible, I hope those kids aren't too damaged and get to choose where they live

You need to tell ex she has put her own kids wellbeing 2nd so you are now applying for full custody. Tell her partner had no right to get rid of your ds birthday gift and your ex is an absolute disgrace to do this to her children. I would get them home safe to you then she can just bring up his kids. It winds me up when women do this for a new man. How she put them so far down the pecking line for a bloke is irresponsible. Put your issues in writing to your ex explain your kids are basically living with 3 strangers and there not happy so unless she puts everything back to what is was your going to fight for them as they will always be your priority. How would she like it to be in a bedroom with a complete stranger also if the house wasn’t big enough they should have thought about that before doing this to your kids. She a selfish bitch don’t take them if they don’t want to go home.

It’s truly heartbreaking to read this. 😢
Is this the first time your ex has done this? It feels like she is being coerced as well, but I may be wrong.

Mate, you share responsibilty for their welfare, children are not possessions, they are people. Part of your responsibilty is that any major decisions regarding arrangements for your children have to be agreed with you. If they weren't and your children's voices are not being listened to, you have valid welfare concerns, I would definately not be returning my children. My advice is to keep them with you, allow the mother access to the childrn at your home, don't get into a row about it, stay calm and peaceful and record your interactions. There are other children involved and their welfare is also a concern. They should not be sharing a room with your children if there is a room available for your children at your house.She's made the bed, let her lie in it. Audio record your interactions for later reference. You don't need a solicitor, they dont work for you, they work for the court. Get a mackenzie friend.

Ive been through the family court system for a child arrangements order. My ex husband sought custody of our 9 year old child who was 11 by the time the process was completed (It cost me about £9k to defend my sons wishes to stay with me) - it was an expensive process. But I learnt a few things. The court and social workers take a child focussed approach - eg what does the child want? Its not about what the parents want. Plus courts generally dont get too involved with 13/14 year olds as they are teens and can simply say and do what they want. So if your daughter wants to live with you she can. Even if there was a court order in place saying she lived with her mum if she chose to stay with you as she was unhappy at her mums all that would happen is that your ex would have to take you to court (which takes time and money). Then the court would either kick the case out or ask your daughter who says she wants to live with you then its done. Unless one person is eligible for legal aid via being on low income and stating they are a victim of domestic abuse and gaining evidence through a DV charity etc. So if your daughter wants to live with you she can.

Your son is younger but still could have a say in where he lives if he is very unhappy and doing that to his room is not child focussed. Same situation next time he visited you if he didnt want to return he wouldnt have to, and she would need to take you to court to sort out a child arrangements order. But its time and money. Its also unpleasant for the child. Her partner coming over to pick up the children is just a threat - you wouldnt need to release your child to an unrelated man. Id call the police if he turned up and started being threatening. Your ex would need to pick up and then your child decide if he wanted to go with his mum.

I would probably get some legal advice at this stage. Many solicitors you can call up with a view to engaging them and they will give you some free advice and talk over your situation and give you the legal perspective (very important).

You could also contact a family mediation service - its an alternative to court. There are online and in person ones. It may seem expensive but its a whole lot cheaper than family court. If you reach agreement through the mediation service they have the agreement approved by the court. If no agreement then you get a MIAM certificate allowing you to go to court. Eg you cant ordinarily go to court without having tried mediation first. But if the kids want to live with you then it would be your ex who would need to take you to court and not the other way round. Unless she was witholding access from you.

CAFCASS suggest this template of parenting plan if you can reach agreement with the mum - https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/parent-carer-or-family-member/my-family-involved-private-law-proceedings/resources-help-you-make-arrangements-are-your-childs-best-interests/how-parenting-plan-can-help

Its not easy and I wish you luck, but definately get some legal advice and get your head around the processes - then you will know your rights and your kids rights (which they do have) which will help you all feel more empowered.

You sound like a wonderful dad I hope you get sorted

Poor kids, mum has completely failed to listen to them.

@David850 is your ex normally this selfish?

I just can't help wonder if the new man is a cocklodger who she hasn't been able to see through.
Has he bullied his way into her house.