EX wife has moved new partner and kids in and my children are unhappy.

[David850]

I'm a dad of two children, 13 year old daughter and 7 year old son.

Two months ago my ex moved her new partner and his two children in with her, she lives in a 3 bed house so both kids are now sharing with his children, it's been a very tough two months for them and they are miserable.

My son is now sharing a room with this man's 11 year old son, my son is a big spiderman fan and his whole room was themed around this, walls, lights, posters, bedding etc but last weekend ex's new partner decorated the room, painted over the spiderman decor, took everything down, dumped my sons bed and furniture and replaced it with a bunk bed (son hates it, he's on the bottom bunk and says he feels cramped and hates that a bed is on top of him) I've been told the room is now white with a huge Xbox theme going on, apparently there is a few spiderman items remaining but my daughter has said at least 80% has been removed, and a large amount of the room is taken up by this boys gaming desk/chair and TV. My son is extremely upset, it's such a big adjustment to have this man and two kids move in but to fully change his bedroom and get rid of his stuff in his own home is unacceptable.

The daughter is 12, I belive she and my daughter are only a matter or months apart, she's so upset about this girl being moved in to her room, hers hasn't really been redecorated but her double bed has been removed and replaced with two singles and she's been forced to take half of her things off the walls and remove half of her things from her wardrobe, she's currently having to store items in boxes under her bed.

My ex is saying that the room situation was discussed with the kids and I do believe this but when the kids disagreed and said they don't want to share rooms she shut them down and said it was happening.

School has broke up today for summer and my daughter is saying she's not going back to her mums, I've asked what her main reason is and she has said that she refuses to continue to sleep in the same room as a stranger and she feels uncomfortable, I have discussed this with my ex and said i will keep her with me for the weekend and she's said that if they are not returned by 6pm she will be sending her partner around to collect them.

I need some advice as I've never had to deal with this before, we share the kids 50/50, my daughter is 13 so it's not like she can just be picked up and forced in the car, if she refuses to return to her mums home what will happen? If she decides she wants to stay here and see her mum outside of the home is this something a court would agree with? I'd also love to have a serious conversation about my son as he's so unhappy but I understand as he's so young his wishes may not be considered.

I'm all new to this so any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

the new partner has custody of his own 2 children.

worth, but social services?! What a waste of resources.

Such sad updates, @David850

I think the post from @VehicleTracker77 on page 13 is very wise. This has happened so quickly and your children have literally been painted out of their home, with their mother letting it happen.

I wonder what this guy’s set up was before? Was it the classic renting or living with his parents and he saw a way to cuckoo himself in someone else’s home?

Your ex is showing appalling judgement and isn’t putting your children first. I agree about the safety aspects that other posters have mentioned about this man and his behaviour.

It speaks volumes that your ex didn’t come to collect the children herself but sent this ape.

It speaks volumes about him that he came over expecting to take your children.

Stay strong. You’re doing the right thing.

I personally wouldn't be fighting at this moment with ex to get DDs cat. Leave that till everything has calmed down and be sorted out.

Keeping the children is the battle for the moment.
You sound like a lovely dad. Hope it all goes well for you. The ex is well out of order in what she's done and kids are right to be totally miffed.

Nothing to stop the children seeing their mother just that they won't be staying overnight

Even without all the other stuff it's inappropriate for a man your daughter barely knows to be coming into her bedroom, even if it is just to say goodnight to his daughter. It means your daughter has almost no privacy from him. Most men would understand that even if they have always done this with their own children this needs to change if there are other children sharing, so it is not a great sign. It doesn't sound like your ex is great at recognising where there should be boundaries and setting them so I think you've done the right thing by keeping them with you.

The situation might be tolerable for the children at their mum's house if the bedroom situation was fixed so they weren't sharing with her partner's children. Is there a plan for them to move into a bigger house or renovate the current one to add more bedrooms?

You want to restore cordial relations with your ex if you can - if they're working on the bedroom situation you might be able to negotiate the children staying with you till that's done and then re-evaluating.

The children's reactions look blindingly obvious from the outside- perhaps they've taken your ex by surprise.

Worth keeping in mind the potential for her new partner to be abusive, given you've previously had arrangements that worked well without the Court's help. And it seems bound to cause chaos to move an extra three people into a three bedroomed place. And possibility is that he was at risk of homeless and this has been rushed to avoid that.

What is your ex wife's partner going to do,drag your daughter in the car if she doesn't want to go,i would be knocking him out.

Are you in a position to have your kids full time? At their age, their wishes would be taken in to account, I think you and ex wife should try mediation, hopefully you can come to an agreement there without dragging the kids through the court.

@Dweetfidilove I agree with what you're saying mum should be awful.
But she should be given a chance to hear all the reasons why this is bad idea and will impact the children.
If my sons father did something similar (which he has, although not sharing bedrooms) I would go to mediation and talk through my concerns in the hope that the mediator would help him to understand (which did work for us for other issues like the need to show up reliably and on time and to be responsible for taking over if I'm really ill etc) as the best thing for the children is to be able to keep a relationship going with both parents in a safe and comfortable way. She might not listen to her ex but she might listen to a mediator and make the appropriate changes - the kids only want to avoid mums house because of the recent lodgers not because they are scared of mum. They probably want a way to see their mum still just without these lodgers.

How long has she known this guy it's not fair on them kids does she know everything about this guy.get social involved they will do an assessment and put a safeguarding in place I'd have them move in with you must be so traumatised as well alas your children

We have a blended family and this sounds absolutely unfair. My partner and I didn't move in together until all children involved were happy. His daughter is a year younger than mine and they dont get along but it's okay in that my daughter goes to her dad when my partners daughter comes to ours. We also moved to a bigger house where not only do they have their own bedrooms but we also have extra downstairs living space so everyone can have "me" time if needed.
I think unless your ex plans to move to a bigger home or somehow create more space in the current home this isn't going to have a happy ending for the children involved. Surely his children are also somewhat disgruntled over it all? I can't imagine any older child wanting to share with a 7 year old.
If your ex is willing to sit down with you and your children to air out grievances and possible solutions that would be a lot better than court. Please put everything in text or email in case it does come to court. The last thing you want if for her to accuse you of parental alienation or coercion. Your Daughter can definitely make her own choice but it's likely going to need cafcass to establish her true feelings.

This

I'm so sorry you and your children are experiencing such a difficult time........a judge will typically take the opinions of the Children on board when they are 10 and over.
I don't understand a mother who would choose her own happiness over her children's.
If you are forced to send the children back in the short term then make it clear to the kids they need to continually voice their upset with the situation to mum. After a while she'll start realising she's losing their good will.
The new fella has eff all to do with anything.
He should keep his nose out.
I'd go to court against your ex in their best interests. It's an emotional harm that they'll never forget.
You can tell them and show them you've done your best to fight to make them happy..
Sounds like she is selfish to me.
Good luck xx

You have equal parental rights and cannot be forced to return your DD to her mother without a court order if she does not want to go. A court will honour the wishes of the child if they are old enough to express one. They will not force your dd to move back without a very good reason.

Your ds will also get a choice which parent he wants to live with. I don't see any reason that living with you will damage their relationship with their mother. If anything, being forced to live with a strange man and his kids will cause more drama and resentment. They would still have contact, after all.

Unfortunately, the way things are going with Scotplod* these days, they're more likely to sake the side of the interloper.

*By that, I mean that they're not very good at using common sense - I'm basing this on experience (though not in a custodial/child-related matter.

What an awful decision she’s made, she’s going to lose her children over this.

You seem like a really nice person just trying to give your children the best life possible. However your ex seems a bit selfish.
I don’t know what to suggest except to keep a diary / record of all communication with them and don’t say anything that she can chuck back at you.

i dont know the law ins scotland but at 13 my nephew wanted to move in with his father a solicitor advised my sister not to fight in court as at that age they go with what the child wants-

your ex can obviously take ikt to court if she wishes but if your dc want to live with you the court will probably agree

It is a worry.

As a secondary school teacher, I encountered the opposite of this.

A couple moved in with one another after a brief period of time. No marriage.

The kids got on really well. There was a girl and boy the same age. Both in my class and they referred to one another as step-siblings. They got on really well.

The parents' relationship floundered and they split, leaving two very upset children who only saw one another at school.

I don't know the legalities either, but in my 40 years of secondary teaching in Scotland, I encountered many cases where the children's point of view was taken into consideration.

The one exception was where the mother was so useless and drug-ridden that the teen was placed in children's home - quite unusual these days. The poor kid kept escaping back to their mother.

In the end - thank God - an elder sibling was traced. The sibling had a partner who was willing for the teen to move in with them.

David your children are lucky to have a dad like you who loves them so much. Your love and kindness is what will help them to get through this. It won’t be asy but you will sort it out eventually.

Just wanted to say I’m so sorry. What you’ve described sounds completely disorienting for your kids who’ve had this forced on them. Blended families take real time to evolve and don’t happen like this overnight. I hope you seek legal advice but are your ex and the new partner all unable to see how it’s affecting them?

I've read your replies op & you sound like a really wonderful, thoughtful Dad who's (rightly) prioritising and putting the kids feelings first. I feel for your kids so much, I was in the same position as a child - my mum moved a man in who we barely knew & home no longer felt like home - he was a stranger & didn't really like us kids.

I feel sad for your son & you re the spiderman theme room, it feels cruel to rid all of his stuff. 7 years is such a precious age, still so innocent - I can see you want to hold on to that as most good parents would (my son is 7 too).

I hope you're able to come to an amicable agreement & your ex realises her errors. But if she doesn't, please go for custody & let her have visitation rights. It's your kids childhood at stake.

Social Services and court will tell you the children are old enough to make their own decision on this. You're not trying to turn them against their mother but you are listening to them and they are distressed. If you can have them 100% of the time do so. She is not thinking of them or prioritising their needs. Everything you have said is about their needs and that's what the SS and court want to hear. Good luck.

This is so sad, and also chilling how low your ex will stoop to prioritise a new man over her children.

I would be very concerned about the 7 year old having to share with an unrelated older boy, never mind the rest of it. I hope at least if your 12 year old doesn’t go back there, that the new bloke’s kids would then be sharing and your DS could have his own room. Unlikely though 😞

If you can afford it, I’d try to recreate the Spidermsn room in your own house.