Please talk me out of IVF!!

[wonderingthis]

Trying to conceive DC2 since years, it's not working, husband got extremely bad sperm and my cycle is fairly unpredictable.

Having first DC was already a challenge but happened naturally after 2 years, we were immensely lucky and our child is our world.
It's not happening a second time now and we were told only chance is ICSI. There are many reasons not to do IVF:

1. I have a prolactinoma (a benign brain tumour) that can react to IVF hormones and grow, and worst case, bleed into the brain (first pregnancy was closely monitored- natural conception is still risky but nowhere near as risky when doing IVF with the shots etc.)
2. We would spend literally all of our savings doing IVF
3. If I did do IVF abroad, I would have to leave my DC in the care of others for a while which I don't want to do
4. DH is totally content with one child.

I am unable to put it out of my mind and think about it constantly. I am 37 and time is running out, and I keep thinking maybe it will only need one go and then I will be happy forever? My whole life will be "fuller" with two kids? I also think I might worry less about my existing DC if there was another one?

Or is that thinking not quite correct, for those of you who have several children?

Please, please give my head a wobble and tell me your thoughts!
AIBU- don't do it
YANBU- risk it all and do IVF

Jesus Christ OP, read back over what you've written. You're risking your health, your actual life, your child's mother, for the small potential of a second child. Absolutely, 100% do not do this.

With your tumour, I wouldn’t risk it. It’s more important that you are alive for your single child than that you have another.

Thank you so much for your reply. I don't know why I am so desperate for a second- every pregnancy announcement leaves me in tears and I keep feeling guilty for not being able to have another (I know this is silly)!

I don’t know how to answer the poll- but I can say that I did the option and risked it all, and it did pay off. Similar to you I had a health condition (womb had previously ruptured) so pregnancy was very risky and I couldn’t have a norma Birth. But I was obsessed with having a second. I did get therapy to make myself feel happier if we had our son and he was an only child - but deep down I know I wanted another baby. We spent 80k 🙈 had around 8 rounds and eventually 6 years after starting ivf, we had our baby.

I think it depends on how badly you want another - logical reasons put aside and then go from there.

If it helps- a lot of people we know have 1 child and are extremely happy. I think half of my DC are only children.

That’s just your hormones - your body telling you to get a move on. It will pass and you’ll find contentment again.
Don't take such a risk. Your child needs you.

100% no. Yous risk dying for this and leaving your child without a mother. I’d recommend therapy and start enjoying your current dc.

It's not silly, it's how you feel, but risking your life isn't the answer. You have to just have your feelings, but know that they can't be helped. This will pass, sometimes in life we can't have something we desperately want and eventually, that's ok. Keep focussing on what you're grateful for and being present for your child.

Thank you. I enjoy my child very much- I love every minute we spend together. That's teh thing- nothing has ever brought me so much enjoyment as being a mother, and I would just love to do it all again. And the risk of it actually happening (the tumour growing and rupturing) is low- but of course if that was to happen, I would never be able to forgive myself for not just being content. I think one big problem is that I worry so much about something bad happening to my child and thinking that having more would kind of make me more relaxed (though I don't know if this is actually how it works!)

A prolactinoma isn’t a brain tumour but a tumour of the pituitary gland that sits underneath it. I would still not risk IVF though.

Do not do it. Just do not do it.

You are playing Russian Roulette with your life and you child's happiness.

Congratulations!

Yeah we cannot spend 80k, that's completely out of the question. Even 10k would be a serious stretch and diminish our savings.
Thank you for your kind words!

Apologies, you are absolutely right, I didn't word this correctly!

The worst thing that could happen to your child would be losing you.
Think about this with their interests at heart rather than your own urges.

Just a couple of things:

You don’t need to ‘do it again’ as you are already a mother.

Believe me, the worry about children makes zero difference how many you have. They’re individuals, you don’t split the worry or love.

if 10k is a stretch and all your savings then it is irresponsible.

Don't do this. Focus on the child you have, not some hypothetical child who may never exist.
Plus, your risks are too high.

If you are the kind of person who worries a lot about something bad happening to a child a second child will not stop that. You aren't suddenly going to start thinking oh its fine I've got a spare now so it doesn't matter.

All that's going to happen is you're going to worry doubly in case something happens to both of them.

You could still have more children through other means - have you considered adoption?

Don't do it.
Risking your life essentially. And a stable, trauma-free childhood for your little one.

Maybe reach out to your GP for counselling? You need to make peace with yourself and your situation.

You are so blessed with one very loved child. Don't jeopardise that.

We all worry about something happening to our children however many we have. I only have 1 but I imagine it's like love..,it grows to encompass all of them. With your conditions I wouldn't risk ivf. Losing you would be far worse for your child than your feelings around having a second child. I have sub fertility and it took me 4 years to have dd. I chose not to have a second as I didn't want to be thrown back into that dark place. Dd deserved the best me I could give her.

You have a child who needs you and risking your life to potentially have another is not wise.

But you don't need to feel silly for feeling the way you do. There may even be a period of grief that things haven' turned out how you imagined they would. Those feelings are completely valid.

Having another child doesn’t make you worry less about the existing one, what is your logic there, that you don’t worry so much because if something happens, you’ve got a spare??

I wouldn’t in your situation. The life you can give an only child is likely much better in the sense of time and money.

It would honestly just double the worry. You wouldn't feel any less distraught if something happened to one of your kids just because you have another.
I remember being pregnant with my second, I'm very close to my nana and asked her "what if I don't love this baby as much as the first" and she replied "they bring the love with them". You would always worry about both of them because that's what mothers do. It isn't a reason to try for a second baby. What if something happened to you and you died or you were left unable to care for your child?

I'd love to have more kids but another pregnancy and especially another labor would probably kill me. I could never risk leaving my kids without a mother.

Basically humans are animals and we’re the ones that survived because we were the ones hardwired to breed, in multiples, to ensure our survival.

The part of you that you think is a rational part of your brain persuading you that you would have a fuller life and less worry with more kids is not your rational brain. You’re being fuelled by an innate animal instinct driven by hormones, and that is why it’s so powerful.

But you don’t have to follow that instinct. And recognising what it is, rather than getting locked in a debate with yourself might help.