Please talk me out of IVF!!

[wonderingthis]

Trying to conceive DC2 since years, it's not working, husband got extremely bad sperm and my cycle is fairly unpredictable.

Having first DC was already a challenge but happened naturally after 2 years, we were immensely lucky and our child is our world.
It's not happening a second time now and we were told only chance is ICSI. There are many reasons not to do IVF:

1. I have a prolactinoma (a benign brain tumour) that can react to IVF hormones and grow, and worst case, bleed into the brain (first pregnancy was closely monitored- natural conception is still risky but nowhere near as risky when doing IVF with the shots etc.)
2. We would spend literally all of our savings doing IVF
3. If I did do IVF abroad, I would have to leave my DC in the care of others for a while which I don't want to do
4. DH is totally content with one child.

I am unable to put it out of my mind and think about it constantly. I am 37 and time is running out, and I keep thinking maybe it will only need one go and then I will be happy forever? My whole life will be "fuller" with two kids? I also think I might worry less about my existing DC if there was another one?

Or is that thinking not quite correct, for those of you who have several children?

Please, please give my head a wobble and tell me your thoughts!
AIBU- don't do it
YANBU- risk it all and do IVF

I was 37 when I had my last child…. Don’t do it

We have an only. Two subsequent rounds of ivf after our only failed and then I went into early menopause so that was the end of that.

For what it’s worth, our lives are very full of love and joy with one. We have the time, money and energy to devote to him and don’t have the stresses I see in so many families with multiple kids. We’re also extremely close (he’s pre teen age) and love our family time together.

i still get sad that I didn’t ultimately have the family I set out to have, but I’m very grateful for what I do have. In your situation I absolutely would not risk IVF, but would suggest counselling to help you come to terms with the decision. Fertility issues are so difficult - best of luck to you.

I had 2 very close together based on the theory that they would be close in age, have loads in common and would be best friends. They are the same sex and for the last 5 years have not got on very well at all… they are very different in temperament, interests etc One of them gets on ok with their youngest sibling, the other has always said he would have preferred to be an only child.
Once they leave home I would be very surprised if my older ones stay in much contact with each other.
My nieces and nephews that are only children are perfectly happy and sociable and don’t miss having a sibling at all, possibly because they have cousins which all of mine get on well with.
With your health complications, DH contentment at one child, your age and the cost I wouldn’t try fertility treatment, maybe another child will fill the void you are feeling but there is a fair chance it won’t and then where will you go from there?
I had my last child at your age, pregnancy was a lot more tiring then it had been with my oldest children.

Try IUI

Oh sweetie.

Been there. Had 6 miscarriages before having DD but was being monitored for early stage Cervical Cancer while carrying her. She wasn’t breathing at birth & I flatlined (and if anyone I know is on MN I just outed myself). We desperately wanted a sibling but we were told in no uncertain terms that it would be v v dangerous for me. It took me a couple of years ok nearly a decade to come to terms with it but we took the dr’s advice. DD is an only but she has cousins and friends that she treats like siblings.

It really, really isn’t worth risking your life for this. If you can’t settle on one child, would you consider adoption?

And also consider counselling to help you overcome any feelings of guilt.

Good luck.

I only have 1 child. I was nowhere near your situation but didn't have a great pregnancy and a terrible birth. The hormones kicked in when she was about 2 years old and I desperately wanted another child. But it was a head over heart decision. I was in my late 30s, had health issues and in financial strain. 15 years later, we are a very happy family of 3 and whilst I sometimes wonder what life would have been like with another child, I am incredibly grateful to have the one I've got.

There are IVF options which are low dose which may not have an effect on your brain tumour and more closely minim natural conception - it’s also a lot cheaper

the emotional toll is significant though and it can become addictive always telling yourself the next cycle will be the one that works

I ended up spending £40k for a second child. Had twins. Marriage imploded

would I do it all again ….yes

my eldest child would likely not have the same opinion though

Every single adult knows about adoption, none more so than those who have experienced fertility issues. This is such an unhelpful response when the topic of ivf is raised.

You'd be taking a massive risk with your health and finances for something that may not even work.

I was told at 21 I couldn’t conceive naturally because I had severe polycystic ovaries. I was happy to adopt but exactly 1 year and 1 day later I gave birth to my 20 year old son. Sometimes when you stop trying and thinking about it it happens.

I know adoption isn't the answer to infertility, but would you consider it for a second? I know several who struggled with secondary infertility and ended up adopting and are very happy with their family.

Personally, I want three kids - have two - but I have health conditions that make my entire pregnancies excruciatingly painful for nine months. I'm likely going to adopt our third child

@wonderingthis People are quite correct that if you have more than one child, you worry about them individually and would be equally devastated if something happened to either/any of them, so I think it's from that point of view that many people are responding to your post

But I do think many people would also agree with your thoughts above. I do know a couple of people who lost their one and only child and that is very much what happened to them, in addition to losing their much loved child.

It's not skewered thinking at all - but given the reasons you have for not having any more, it wouldn't be the best reason for you to have another child, given all the risks - to your current DC as well as to yourself if something goes badly wrong?

Not quite the same as I do have 2 children but both my pregnancies were dangerous and risked my life. After my first pregnancy the advice I was given was it probably won't happen again and if it did I would be able to get treatment sooner and it wouldn't be as severe. My second pregnancy was actually worse as I didn't respond to medical treatment.
I have been strongly advised not to get pregnant again so I can't have anymore. For years I found it really hard, I think it's difficult having the choice taken from you, especially when people constantly ask if your having another one and say things like well you might change your mind when you tell them no and you didn't reply want to go into your medical history with them. At the end of the day I had children to be responsible for and couldn't knowingly risk my life but that doesn't mean I didn't need to morn for children that I couldn't have.
At some point I really wanted another and used to dream about being one of the people that didn't know they were pregnant until given birth but as time has gone on I have made peace with it and I wouldn't want another now my youngest is 15.
I don't think you worry less when you have 2, except in the very early baby days when you feel more like you know what your doing a bit more.

Have you considered looking into surrogacy? Xx

My daughter has a couple of friends wh9 are only children and i think their familea seem much less stressed than ours. The children get a huge benefit of money time and calm parents

Absolutely not true that you worry less. Each child brings new worries stress and exhaustion!!

What would happen if you died? What would happen if having a second didn’t work for your family? What happens if your child has a limiting illness that negatively impacts time with your first child?

I know that’s confronting but those are the worst case scenarios and you said you wanted people to talk you out of it. I get it, but it’s one hell of a roll of the dice

In your situation I wouldn’t, given the health risks. We conceived naturally after 2 long years and then did two rounds of IVF, none of which were successful. Two years on from that I feel mainly content with our lovely family of 3. I still get moments of sadness that there won’t ever be a second child, but I also recognise how much love, energy, time and resources we can give our only. And I’m so grateful to have her. I know people who would have loved kids and been wonderful parents who haven’t been able to have children.

I’d bet with some time and possibly some therapy you’ll get to a more content/accepting place.

If you are still undecided, please, please do not consider it. My best friend opted for several gruelling rounds of IVF. She was so done with it but her husband pleaded and emotionally blackmailed her into giving it one more go. She did get pregnant that last time. Within 9 weeks following the birth, she was very unwell and had a routine check-up when she was diagnosed with an extremely aggressive and fast growing cancer. During her chemo sessions, she met several other women who also were diagnosed with cancer following IVF treatment and pregnancies.

It seems this was really not discussed at great deal during a lot of the consultations, unless you have a preexisting condition. Neither my friend or multiple women she spoke to subsequently were made aware that if you had successful IVF this could greatly increase the prevalence of cancer.

My friend ended up with multiple cancers in virtually all her organs facing a horrendous fight. She died just her daughter turned 2.

I'm sorry, but that's not how it works.
You won't worry less, you will worry more. And G-d forbid, something bad happens to either of the kids, it will take your whole heart, not half of it. If anything, having more than one child increases the odds of something negative happening to one of them (things like developmental delays, complex medical procedures, or other issues).

I am so so sorry about your friend- heartbreaking. My condolences!

Yes, I have a friend who had IVF, gave birth, and a couple of months after was diagnosed with cancer of the intestine that had to immediately be operated on (an emergency surgery in the middle of the night), they obviously cannot say for sure if this had caused it...

And also have a friend who works in oncology research and she also said she would never ever do IVF for that reason.

Well you might not be in a position to forgive yourself…….if it kills you

Don’t do it OP. Please don’t put your health at risk and possibly leave your child without a mother.I only have one and I worry all the time about it for the same reasons you do. But ultimately there are plenty of only children out there who do just fine. You make plans for them, you build a support system. You can’t do all that if you aren’t here!

@ContraryNoodle yes this is more common than we think.
Sadly I know of two such cases resulting in 5 motherless children.
I don't know if this is happening in the UK, but clinics test for risk of, for example, breast cancer, before deciding to go ahead with IVF treatment.

Absolutely this! You just can’t take the risk.

I would think an IVF clinic may not do it anyway If it’s so risky for you.