Please talk me out of IVF!!

[wonderingthis]

Trying to conceive DC2 since years, it's not working, husband got extremely bad sperm and my cycle is fairly unpredictable.

Having first DC was already a challenge but happened naturally after 2 years, we were immensely lucky and our child is our world.
It's not happening a second time now and we were told only chance is ICSI. There are many reasons not to do IVF:

1. I have a prolactinoma (a benign brain tumour) that can react to IVF hormones and grow, and worst case, bleed into the brain (first pregnancy was closely monitored- natural conception is still risky but nowhere near as risky when doing IVF with the shots etc.)
2. We would spend literally all of our savings doing IVF
3. If I did do IVF abroad, I would have to leave my DC in the care of others for a while which I don't want to do
4. DH is totally content with one child.

I am unable to put it out of my mind and think about it constantly. I am 37 and time is running out, and I keep thinking maybe it will only need one go and then I will be happy forever? My whole life will be "fuller" with two kids? I also think I might worry less about my existing DC if there was another one?

Or is that thinking not quite correct, for those of you who have several children?

Please, please give my head a wobble and tell me your thoughts!
AIBU- don't do it
YANBU- risk it all and do IVF

I'm early 40s now, but I remember having an overwhelming desire for a third child about your age. It would have been absolutely mad for various reasons, but it was such a strong feeling. It probably lasted a couple of years. I am very glad I listened to my head not my hormones. I think it's a natural urge when hormones start falling a bit.

Good morning everyone, I have read all your replies and would really like to thank everyone to take the time to write such lovely messages!

It is interesting to hear that lots of you had the same feeling at the end of your thirties- it really must be very much to do with hormones I suppose!

I just also wanted to make it clear that I am immensely happy and grateful to have the one lovely DC that I have. I think I realised as well now that part of the problem is that I am very anxious about him, and I might have to find a way to address this.

To the ones saying about adoption. I actually looked into this extensively when we struggled to have our first child and contacted an adoption agency, and I have a friend who adopted siblings. I know that adoption is a completely different ball game and you have to be prepared to deal with extensive trauma, almost always FAS in young children and additional needs, and I don't feel able to go down that road.

Also I am really shocked to hear that lots of ladies who did IVF got cancer afterwards, I really don't think this is much publicized or talked about!

Wishing you all a lovely week ahead, I feel a lot more hopeful today.

Congratulations on your daughter, so glad you got your baby after a long time trying!
That is horrific about the cancer- I really do wonder why this isn't better known- I hope you are well and healthy now and wish you the very best!

You are right, I think I needed it spelled out like this! Thank you!

Your body is telling you it wants a child. It’s natural. Before my IVF I could have stolen a baby, I was that desperate to become a mum. I get it OP- you want another one. It’s ok to mourn your second child. Be kind to yourself.

Studies suggest there is no link between IVF and cancer.
Don’t want anyone going through it to feel terrified!

That's what I have read, and absolutely I don't want to scare anyone either. However I have now heard a lot of stories like these and I think it's important to talk about it.

You are right, and I think I have been very insensitive in my post really. That sounds very tough- I am wishing you well and every happiness!

It’s not useful to talk about it when studies have been done and there is no clear cause and effect. In fact it could be considered scare-mongering. It’s a bit like the ‘talking about’ autism and the MMR jab being linked. It’s not helpful, and indeed could be very unhelpful.

Thank you so much. This makes total sense- it really is an irrational feeling!

I would strongly recommend the book Parenting Your Only Child which really helped me come to terms with not having a second child - it's good at dispelling the guilt, highlighting the advantages and giving you strategies to deal with the potential disadvantages. Anya Sizer's Fertile Thinking is also good, with lots of coaching techniques to help with the mental side of infertility and a chapter on how to make peace with stopping.