Please talk me out of IVF!!

[wonderingthis]

Trying to conceive DC2 since years, it's not working, husband got extremely bad sperm and my cycle is fairly unpredictable.

Having first DC was already a challenge but happened naturally after 2 years, we were immensely lucky and our child is our world.
It's not happening a second time now and we were told only chance is ICSI. There are many reasons not to do IVF:

1. I have a prolactinoma (a benign brain tumour) that can react to IVF hormones and grow, and worst case, bleed into the brain (first pregnancy was closely monitored- natural conception is still risky but nowhere near as risky when doing IVF with the shots etc.)
2. We would spend literally all of our savings doing IVF
3. If I did do IVF abroad, I would have to leave my DC in the care of others for a while which I don't want to do
4. DH is totally content with one child.

I am unable to put it out of my mind and think about it constantly. I am 37 and time is running out, and I keep thinking maybe it will only need one go and then I will be happy forever? My whole life will be "fuller" with two kids? I also think I might worry less about my existing DC if there was another one?

Or is that thinking not quite correct, for those of you who have several children?

Please, please give my head a wobble and tell me your thoughts!
AIBU- don't do it
YANBU- risk it all and do IVF

I'll admit I don't understand why you are so desperate for a second child, but your first post makes it very clear that it would not be a good idea! Think about what you'd say to a friend in your situation - you'd be begging them not to go ahead.
Just enjoy the family you have, and be grateful.

I most definitely don’t think you are being silly to be upset at pregnancy announcements, please be kinder to your self.
Have you ever thought about becoming a childminder?
I had 2 children but would have loved to have had a larger family, but circumstances made it impossible.
When my children were 4 and 7 I started childminding and last August after 30 (mostly) wonderful years I had to give up due to ill health.
In that time I had cared for over 300 children and I know I paid a big part in their lives and helped shape the people they had become.
I was able to give them the love and care I would have given any more children I would have had of my own (without the financial burden!!)
I would recommend it to anyone who loves spending time with children 🙂

I would say don’t risk leaving your child without a mum. You have a beautiful, much wanted child. Embrace that and enjoy every moment.

Everyone makes really good points especially regarding your health.
but another to consider is that if your first child is a delight, your second is likely to be the devil and incredibly hard work!

2 children does not mean double the work, in the early years it’s more than that!

if you have concerns about your health, just enjoy what you’ve got.
(Or consider adoption … what are you trying to actually achieve? … but suspect they will have feelings about your health).

Age has taught me to be blessed with what I have.

Don't risk leaving your DC without their mum, you never know how their thoughts will go once grown up if anything happened to you.

God forbid they grew up thinking they weren't enough.

I hope this doesn't come across to bluntly. (I can't have children myself so I get it).

You are seeking 3 miracles in life.

You already have one - your child.

Now you are looking for 2 more:

1- to have a second child which will be extremely challenging, if even possible

2- for you to do so without any negative impact on your health- even though you have been advised that there's a high risk

You've been very lucky once. I would bank that and not gamble further as the risks are too high.

I had counselling, just 4 sessions but it helped hugely. I no longer struggle with it.

Also are you sure you would even be allowed IVF? I've been ruled out as risks to both me and any potential baby are deemed too high.

@wonderingthis I have one dc and always imagined having 3. I have genuinely found having one an absolute joy and as time has gone on I’ve been glad I stuck with one! There’s always part of me that wonders what if, but I would have been so much older with a second and I actually don’t think I would have been as good a mum as I am now. I hope you’re ok.

I find this really a really strange way to think and it's absolutely not a reason to risk your life to have that second child.

A second child is not a replacement if something happens to the first. I have 2 and if something happened to either of them I don't think that would be made any easier by the fact I have another one, they are their own individual people and the pain would be the same whether I had one or 20 if the worst were to happen.

Have you considered fostering or adopting?

I haven’t read all of the replies, however from what I have read it sounds that it’s the maternal loving you have to offer and companionship for your existing child which is swaying you towards another child.

I think with your situation the risks outweigh the benefits with having IVF.

I think OP meant that only having one means she is hyper focussed on their safety and well-being and if she had another that concern might be diluted as it were since she would be distracted by a second child and her over anxiety would naturally settle down in a more balanced way - although she herself admits she’s not sure if that would actually happen since it might just mean two lots of hyper anxiety. I didn’t read wanting a second child at all for the purposes of a ‘spare’.

No one goes into it planning on spending £80k, @wonderingthis
Loans loans loans.
Once you've spent the first £10k it would seem a waste not to try just once more, then just once more again. Like gambling, but for a baby.
There's are millions of women who always yearn for a/another child, the sadness lessens with time.
Enjoy the child you have.

Thank you so very much, you have 100% explained exactly how I feel!

That seems a bit mean. Lots of people want/ have two children or more for lots of reasons.

I don't see why people with infertility have to justify their desire for more children more than other people. And that goes for the "why don't you adopt" comments that go on to every fertility thread as well.

Not saying OP should risk her health doing ivf but she's allowed to want another child.

OP there is always a chance you might conceive naturally if you just keep going?

You could end up worrying the same or more about the next child, hoping you'll relax more is not a good reason to proceed

Oh gosh you are so right. It really is like gambling isn't it. How awful to spend all that money and then there might be no baby at the end of it all!

As someone who lost their mother at a young age think of your poor child

That's so lovely to hear. Thank you for your post!

With your health history no I wouldn't and I say this as someone who had ICSI many years ago and had no health issues (and obviously Icsi has moved on since my day) but I was lucky enough to get pregnant by ICSI and by FET and then miscarried all babies. After a long time away we then adopted our DS.

Thank you so much. Your post really resonates with me!
I have not been explicitly advised not to do it, and a private fertility clinic would most likely go ahead with it. The risk is not huge- but it is definitely there, with the hormone stimulation in IVF. You are right, health is wealth and I have a wonderful child already.

I meant to add my DS is my world and I can't imagine life without him or even if I could have loved a different child as much as I love and adore him .

I wish you all the very best

It’s natural to want another child but I think you have to make your peace with that grief. You cannot risk your child’s mother. It would very selfish to do that.

Your existing child needs you alive as long as possible

Do not risk it

You're putting so much pressure on yourself. Enjoy the child you have and enjoy life. You never know, once you step back from needing a second, another miracle might just pop along when you least expect it to.

I'd thoroughly recommend a puppy. Now I'm I hitting the teen stage, the dog is often my favourite child 😊

Be kind to yourself.

Are you generally a risk taker OP? Do you invest in risky shares, do you do extreme sports, do you gamble?
This is what you would be doing here but, potentially, leaving your child without his mother, or two children even, or what if the tumour develops in a way that you become severely brain damaged and practically no help to your existing child or two children ? What about your husband?
This is a huge, huge risk.

As regards worrying about your little one, all I can say is that the bigger they get, the bigger the worries become. And you'd worry double if you have two children. Try and ignore the worries about what ifs.

You have so much. Cherish your health and enjoy your family.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you only the very best of everything.

I clicked into your post to write go for it, but have a set number of cycle agreements as when a cycle fails, it’s easy to want to sign away more and more funds. I say this from experience and we only ended up with 1 DC

However your point number 1. totally u turned that view. Do you want to risk your health and future of seeing your DC grow for something that has extremely low odds?

Take time to grieve the child and larger family you won’t have. This is an important step. 5 years ago I couldn’t see my life without 2 DC but now I’m thankful for one.

You will then learn to accept, love and cherish being a triangle family. I wouldn’t switch it for the world now. I found looking for the positives of having an only really helped move my mindset. I couldn’t do all the adventures we go on now or give my DD the experiences she so truly loves if we had more than one. I haven’t seen you mention whether you have a DD or DS and their age, but there are so many incredible opportunities you can do with them from extra curriculars to big family trips to trips and adventures just the two of you. Having an only can be absolutely awesome