Please talk me out of IVF!!

[wonderingthis]

Trying to conceive DC2 since years, it's not working, husband got extremely bad sperm and my cycle is fairly unpredictable.

Having first DC was already a challenge but happened naturally after 2 years, we were immensely lucky and our child is our world.
It's not happening a second time now and we were told only chance is ICSI. There are many reasons not to do IVF:

1. I have a prolactinoma (a benign brain tumour) that can react to IVF hormones and grow, and worst case, bleed into the brain (first pregnancy was closely monitored- natural conception is still risky but nowhere near as risky when doing IVF with the shots etc.)
2. We would spend literally all of our savings doing IVF
3. If I did do IVF abroad, I would have to leave my DC in the care of others for a while which I don't want to do
4. DH is totally content with one child.

I am unable to put it out of my mind and think about it constantly. I am 37 and time is running out, and I keep thinking maybe it will only need one go and then I will be happy forever? My whole life will be "fuller" with two kids? I also think I might worry less about my existing DC if there was another one?

Or is that thinking not quite correct, for those of you who have several children?

Please, please give my head a wobble and tell me your thoughts!
AIBU- don't do it
YANBU- risk it all and do IVF

I did actually start therapy twice and I am open to these things, however unfortunately and due to no fault of the therapist, I didn't think this helped at all. The fact remained that I want a second, it doesn't work, and there didn't seem to be much to talk about rather than these facts really

I had three IVF miscarriages. One of them put me in intensive care. When I say the physical side of IVF despite that was NOTHING compared to the emotional trauma of it, I really mean it.

But I would have carried on literally until it killed me, because the urge to have a child was so overwhelming it was worth MY life, and I mean that. (I eventually had miracle child naturally, a whole other story).

My point is that you already have a child, and while I know secondary infertility is painful I genuinely believe it's a different pain to having no child at all.

You will at best invest thousands of pounds and all your emotional availability into IVF. And that's if it works. In your circumstances, with a medical condition, gently I think you'd be barmy. You're risking your health and your future with the DC you do have. It's so all-consuming and your DC deserves your health and attention.

(My final fertility was taken by losing my fallopian tubes after DC was born, and in some ways I was glad as it meant I could grieve my fertility rather than keep trying. So I do get it. I really do)

Don’t do it.
You cannot ask your daughter to compromise on a life with a loving mother, just to fulfil your want of another baby.

Oh my goodness that sounds so so tough. Thank you so much for sharing your story and I am so pleased that you got a miracle baby after all- it's so unbelievable how these things can happen even after years of trying and IVF, it amazes me!

You are so right about the difference of primary vs secondary infertility. I hope you and your family are very happy, I wish you all the best.

We had issues conceiving our second (male factor) but we were lucky enough to concieve naturally after 18 months. We were looking at IVF.

Now she's here I wouldn't be without DD for anything BUT I so see the benefits of one child now especially as DS is a bit older!
Of course now I'd love 3 on some level but it isn't a good idea health and wealth wise. Anyway I know having 2 kids I'm speaking from a privileged position but now I'm out the other side a bit I can see the urge to have more children can be so strong but probably does pass. I have lots of friends v happy with one and they can do a lot more.

You are running after things that won’t make you happy. You’ll just find something else to worry around.

you have a child!

id go to therapy..it can help you accept what is and get back to joy in what you have already, which is a lot, a lot more than most. Think of people with NO children

What has your husband done so far to improve his sperms quality?

Way to m
iss the point

Loose boxers, a ton of supplements, acupuncture, a visit to a top-notch urologist who prescribed some very very expensive supplement from overseas.... he also said that given my DH had undescended testicles that only got operated on when he was 13 (apparently standard in the 80s) it's extremely fortunate we actually were able to have one without ICSI...

Have you adopted? It’s very different to raising birth children and can be extremely challenging

Yes, as much as I applaud people who adopt, I know first hand from friends how extremely challenging it can be, I just couldn't do it especially when you have a child already

This is almost identical to my DH… the private urologist prescribed his tamoxifen. Really increased sperm production for natural conception after many years of infertility.

Oh really, I am intrigued- did it work in the end?

If you really love the child you have then doing anything at all to risk them growing up without their mother. They might like a sibling, but they NEED their mum.

We chose not to do IVF. I am childless.

The low odds (under 10% likelihood of success for me), the need for donor sperm (husband has 0% viable sperm), the time, the emotional cost, the sheer financial cost....

It's OK not to put yourselves through it.

It's OK to enjoy your child. To enjoy your life. To carry on without sacrificing everything else.

Different situation, but I feel you OP.

I have fertility issues and have suffered recurrent miscarriages. Split with my ex after having DD and thought that was it, no more. Then met DP and the possibility opened up again. Just had our second loss and he thinks he wants to stop trying. Even if we tried it might not happen, but the fact he thinks he wants to stop will be a firm door closed regardless, and gosh I am struggling with that. Mostly because I think he will regret it in years to come. And I wouldn’t split with him to have a chance of having a child with anyone else.

I am looking into therapy to try and come to terms with things. We went from maybe this is happening to suddenly bam nope that’s it for good, and I am struggling with it.

We had the same problem. DH's fertility was so badly damaged though that we had ten years of trying naturally with nothing at all. 0% motilre sperm, almost 99% were deformed. The 1% that weren't were dead.

If one more person suggested we just relax.... Grrrr.

Also adoption isn't an easy alternative to infertility and people need to stop suggesting it. You don't tell someone who is grieving to "just" go out and aquire a new family member as a means to managing their grief.

I had some sympathy until you essentially said that you want another child in case something happens to the first?? I have thankfully never lost a child but I’m pretty sure that’s now how it works.

I actually thought you were going to write something about not wanting your child to be alone if something were to happen to you, but the idea of risking your life to have a “spare” actually just sounds incredibly selfish.

This is not what I meant at all actually, I don't think I have worded this very well. But thank you for your thoughts.

OP - you wouldn’t necessarily be wrong to try IVF again hoping you’ll be lucky but why would you worry more about 1 DC rather than 2?

So - nothing wrong with trying IVF again and I hope you’re successful BUT I do think you’re thinking is incorrect re 1 and 2 DC

But if you try IVF again I personally wish you all the luck in the world! ❤️

OP, I mean this kindly but I'll be blunt because you've asked. Why on earth would you risk your life and potentially leave your child without a mother? I'm currently battling infertility and would give everything and more to have just one child. You've got your child, you've got everything you wanted when you were trying the first time. I understand that you'll be feeling like you want another child but honestly, it could be the biggest mistake you'll ever make.

I feel for you OP, I really do, but I wouldn’t do this.
I think people are entitled to grieve not having children, grieve the last child they have being last or even when people imagine they were going to have a boy/girl and get the other, to grieve what you envisioned is okay (as long as you quickly make peace with it and never let it impact the love you have for your child) I think when it comes to creating your family we aren’t told enough we don’t always get what we want and life isn't fair. But that is reality. I have the privilege of having exactly the amount of children I wanted and have a mixture of sexes, although I didn’t care truthfully what flavour baby I got. I did however go through dreadful pregnancies and baby loss to get there, but I was very aware that my happiness couldn’t depend on how many dc I got to experience motherhood with and I wouldn’t have put my desire for more babies above my health had there been serious risks or financial consequences that would have impacted on the children I already had.

I am genuinely sad for you that you don’t get to experience motherhood a second time over, Im also so happy for you that you’re enjoying being a mum so much already, what a wonderful thing!

I see so many people struggle with fertility who deserve the family of their dreams and equally I see couples have endless kids that keep being taken into care, it’s soul crushing and terribly unfair, but it’s life.
Most of my friends and child free by choice and some things said to them are disgusting and shockingly rude. Often by their family. Society needs to consider how they treat women and stop asking them daft and intrusive questions about their fertility. The amount of women who can’t conceive without help and some uncle dickhead keeps asking when they’re having a baby is just so shit for them. We see it a lot on here and maybe Im stretching but perhaps women wouldn’t feel as disappointed as they do when they don’t get a boy/girl if they weren’t constantly asked “don’t you want a son/daughter/sibling for your dc” when the person could be perfectly content, they’re just being asked so frequently their then having it play in their mind.

Sounds like you're really torn! It must be so difficult for you to have these feelingsorry you've got so much going on! I think the answer is already within your reasons as to why it's not a good idea. Perhaps try some therapy instead, to get some help with managing the feelings you're having instead. Xx

OP I have some insight into what you’re going through. I have one DS and we tried to have a second but endured a number of losses, one of which was a very traumatic TFMR. After this I decided to draw a line to protect my mental health and not keep trying.

My DS is now 9 and an absolute joy. I do occasionally still get pangs of regret that we didn’t have a second, but the jealousy of other people’s pregnancies faded significantly as DS got older, none of my close friends are having babies anymore as most had a 2-4 year age gap. Life gets so much easier as they get older and I wouldn’t go back to the baby stage now if you paid me. And there are so many advantages to only having one - DS wants for nothing and we can manage all the extracurricular activities he wants to do etc with much greater ease than my friends who have 2 or more children. He’s never been bothered about being an only either.

I do completely identify with the feeling of what if something happens to him, he’s my only one ... but you can’t go through life worrying about losing your child, so I just try to put those thoughts to the back of my mind when they do arise.

As nice as it sounds to have two, mine have spent most of their lives actively hating each other. Most of my time with them is dealing with them arguing. Do the sensible thing and stop at the one you have. Its not worth it.