Please talk me out of IVF!!

[wonderingthis]

Trying to conceive DC2 since years, it's not working, husband got extremely bad sperm and my cycle is fairly unpredictable.

Having first DC was already a challenge but happened naturally after 2 years, we were immensely lucky and our child is our world.
It's not happening a second time now and we were told only chance is ICSI. There are many reasons not to do IVF:

1. I have a prolactinoma (a benign brain tumour) that can react to IVF hormones and grow, and worst case, bleed into the brain (first pregnancy was closely monitored- natural conception is still risky but nowhere near as risky when doing IVF with the shots etc.)
2. We would spend literally all of our savings doing IVF
3. If I did do IVF abroad, I would have to leave my DC in the care of others for a while which I don't want to do
4. DH is totally content with one child.

I am unable to put it out of my mind and think about it constantly. I am 37 and time is running out, and I keep thinking maybe it will only need one go and then I will be happy forever? My whole life will be "fuller" with two kids? I also think I might worry less about my existing DC if there was another one?

Or is that thinking not quite correct, for those of you who have several children?

Please, please give my head a wobble and tell me your thoughts!
AIBU- don't do it
YANBU- risk it all and do IVF

I’m really glad you had your baby, but telling people they’re trying too hard, they just need to relax etc is really not helpful to people struggling ttc.

Could you adopt or use a surrogate if you must have another child? It sounds far too risky to carry it yourself, worst case scenario is you leave two small children without a mother.

Tumour
Brain bleeding
Already have a child that is your world.
Give your head a wobble and consider a puppy (seriously)

Hey,
I'm 36 with one dd (3). Conceived naturally after ttc 2 years and after failed IVF.
Been ttc a sibling since May 2023. Had one miscarriage and a failed embryo transfer.
We are planning another transfer. But I just don't know if I can be bothered. I'm trying to focus on the big positives of staying a 3 person family: dd gets all our attention, we can give her more experiences, more financial security, we won't need to move house as quickly. Also, I don't want a huge age gap and starting over as dd goes to school. BUT my heart aches for a sibling.
IVF is brutal. I also had a C Section and my embryo transfers are horrific because of this. I have cervical scarring from the op and it takes them forever to get the embryo through the cervix. There is no guarantee of ivf working. It's more likely to fail than succeed. I would not use all my savings for it - you could have nothing to show for it

Wowz this thread is sub fertility bingo. Surrogacy! Adoption! Just relax!

I am in a near identical situation to you OP, although the complications on husband's side are a bit different and my endocrine issue isn't as well understood.

We have been to the IVF clinic and got a full outline of cost etc. cost even for starter would be around 12k, so may not fit your budget. They are also (rightly) unwilling to offer any treatment until my health is better understood. I think for both you and I , the call is likely better to have an only child but I appreciate the sadness and anger in that. Welcome to pm if you'd like

We have one child, conceived IVF/ICSI. I was 37 when he was born. We decided not to do IVF again because we refused to get into debt to do it. Instead, we've showered our only child with love. Do I wish I'd had another? Yes. Would I have risked my health and got into debt to try (and there is only a 30% chance of it working)? No.
My son is a miracle, he is loved and cherished and I will always be grateful for him.

This does not make sense. Your thought process is absolutely unhinged.

Honestly, I think you should thank your God/lucky stars for your DC and spend your money making family memories with them rather than chasing a dream you might never realise.

If you chase this you could die and leave your DH alone with 2 DC, 1 who'd never know you and 1 who mightnt remember you. This isnt worth what it could cost you, I'm so sorry thats the case but tbh id be dubious of any Dr being OK with treating you for IVF based on the above.

This must hurt but maybe just keep trying naturally and seeing if anything happens and if not try and count your blessings anyway. You'd be nuts to do this

I voted unreasonable. I gave birth in my late 30s to my only birth child. There was no chance of me having another child

They are not my only child. I was already mother to two children through adoption of older children from foster care. That isn't a path for everyone, but there are other paths to additional children, and one child is enough.

I wouldn't do anything that would risk my existing child losing their mum.

The IVF route doesn't sound sensible to me with the health risks you've described. I have two and it can be wonderful but it is also really really hard sometimes to balance both of their needs. I regularly feel extremely frazzled and struggle to get any time to myself. Now and again I have weird random thoughts about a third (likely some sort of hormonal thing) but rationally I know having another one would be a terrible idea in our circumstances (no local or really any family who can help, elderly relatives at a distance starting to need support, both of us with a few health niggles, both children with some specific support needs etc etc). So although I occasionally have those thoughts I have no intention whatsoever of acting on them.

So much risk for potentially zero to gain.
Your existing child could lose you to an imaginary one.
You know the right answer to this question. Consider counselling to get you through because you know the high risk it would be.

I have a prolactinoma and an IVF baby and no one mentioned that to me?! No issues with it during or after pregnancy either.

Anyway, back to the question. I would personally not do IVF. For a long time after having my child I longed for another but the chances of success in my case were low (almost non existent egg reserve) so I didn't try IVF again. I am finally too old for it to be possible so I am free of that "what if" every month and I no longer have the same yearning so I guess what I am trying to say is how you are feeling now may not last forever.

Not as challenging as IVF with all the risks you'd have...funny how you'd rule adoption out immediately but IVF is an option for you?

As another poster said you still probably wouldn't be happy. A child is not the answer to every bit of unhappiness in life.

I definitely would not take the risk. Have you thought about adoption ?

given the health risks, I wouldn't and count my blessings.

Have you considered the consequences of there are complications? Also, I have 2 disabled children (nothing running in the family, had them when I was young) - so nothing is ever guaranteed.

You are healthy, your DH is and so is DC. Another pregnancy esp IVF would be a huge risk to that. I don't understand why people can never be content with what they have. I would give anything to have a healthy/non disabled child. If you cannot move past that, maybe invest in some therapy so you can move on .

Its hard when you want another child and your heart is saying one thing and head another. I think the risks in your situation are too high for IVF. Your child could be left without a mum and this is worse than not having a sibling. Sometimes siblings do not get along. Myself and my brother don't speak, so we are independent when something happens our parents. We won't have each other's support.

In my 20s with my exh I had 4 rounds of ICSI, (male factor) it didn’t work and we ended up splitting, I went on to have a beautiful girl who will be 10 next week with a new partner. 1 and done!

I also got diagnosed with the most aggressive type of breast cancer aged 39 and when I joined a support group, 8 out of the 12 women there had gone through IVF of some type. I am 100% that the IVF brought on my cancer.

What does your neurologist say? I think that's key here.. I have a benign tumour and whilst it slightly grew with my first, it didn't with my second. I'm a similar age and my baby is a couple of months old. I get it. I think you need the professionals to lay it out first... X

Hey OP - I had IVF for my dd,
I then spent years and money trying to have a second DC - it wasn’t to be..
I completely get the longing / aching for a second, but with IVF it is so gruelling / expensive and so low in success rate, and with your medical condition, I would say, no- don’t xx

IVF clinics always tell you your best chance of falling pregnant - and that’s icsi because the sperm fertilising the egg is not left to chance it’s put into an egg.
but it’s not your only option - look into Artificial insemination (AI) - your cycle is monitored they then spin out the junk sperm and only insert good sperm into the uterus at the right time.

also known as intrauterine insemination (IUI), is a fertility treatment where prepared sperm is placed directly into a woman's uterus to facilitate fertilization. It is a relatively simple procedure often used for couples with unexplained infertility or male factor infertility.

It did

My relative died at the end of a long operation to remove a benign brain tumor. I say that not to scare you but it's important to consider. Her tumor was probably much bigger when it was found, so in your case they would likely act sooner if needed.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling to conceive, it really is heartbreaking. I know what it’s like to desperately want a second child but come up against some very real and immovable obstacles. It’s my guess that should you approach a clinic with these health issues, they would refuse you anyway. I wonder if having the consultation with a clinic could bring you peace?

I had one child due to health issues, and despite being sad for a while I did get over it and now see the many benefits, especially being alive and well to enjoy time with your existing child. Your hormones play a huge role and broodiness fades away with the menopause.