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Original poster

Surviving life with a strong willed daughter

157 replies

heartsandtears · 27/06/2025 09:16

Dd is 7 and as the title suggests she is very strong willed and as a result misses out on so much through consequences of this.
She will lose almost all promised treats and never gets any money, she loses out on play dates, screen time all while her siblings enjoy these things because she simply will not do as she’s told.
This morning for example I had promised to take her to McDonald’s after school because her sister was going home with a friend for dinner so we were going to have a treat together, she walked down the stairs in the school skirt I bought her for next winter which is currently too big, I asked her to put her dress on and she refused and I told her if she didn’t change into her school dress she wouldn’t be going to McDonalds so she decided she’d wear the too big skirt and not go to McDonald’s.
This won’t be because she doesn’t want to go it’s because she will not back down.
I want us to have a good relationship but I feel like she misses out on so much and everything seems to be a battle of wills and I just want to love her and enjoy things together but she just will not ever do as she’s told almost of a matter of principle and will eventually lose out on everything she’s looking forward to.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can get along with her and get her to do as she’s told?
She is so stubborn and wilful she’ll happily take any consequences as long as she gets her way.

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 27/06/2025 09:22

You need to find another way to parent her your taking away things isnt working, why did you put the skirt in her wardrobe, set her clothes out for school don't give her free rein or too much choice, say yes sometimes you don't always have to win.

VirginaGirl · 27/06/2025 09:23

You obviously have many other examples but I'm not sure the skirt is worth the debate. 'Pick your battles' as they say!

Being headstrong isn't a bad thing. I have a son who has always known exactly what he wants to do in life including what he wanted to do for a living and he is now working really hard towards that. He isn't a 'ditherer' which I like. When he was 2, he used to put himself on the naughty step when he knew that I was just about to send him there. Just to beat me to it!

I would advise giving your daughter a bit more say in her own decisions over certain things.

Coffeeishot · 27/06/2025 09:24

My Dd was like this, she's 33 now so I get it, but I do think you are now locked in fighting with her you are expecting it,

Twisterpiggy · 27/06/2025 09:25

It sounds like you also won’t back down and are unnecessary stubborn.
What was really the issue with the skirt? If she could wear it then it couldn’t have been that big or it would be at her ankles.

You have to give kids some things they have control over.

DaftNoodle · 27/06/2025 09:25

Pick your battles absolutely and be glad that she knows her own mind. We need more girls in the world like this!!

Lilactimes · 27/06/2025 09:26

It sounds tricky.
Is she like this at school @heartsandtears ?
Does she have a close bond with you or do you feel that you’re constantly restraining her and telling her off? I’m not judging just sometimes it gets like that and the joy and fun can disappear.
Is it worth trying to increase the fun time, the games, quizzes, colouring, playing hide and seek all together? Then really choose your punishments carefully. It may upset her more if she feels really close to you and loves the fun times and then she may not want to forego this time and listen more carefully.
With my daughter - if I played with her one on one once a fortnight for about half a day - really intense at her level full on game - she would be really well behaved… I could see her behaviour slipping the further away from that day we got , until I played with her again… then she would be more likely to listen to me.
anyway I wish you luck x

Coffeeishot · 27/06/2025 09:27

DaftNoodle · 27/06/2025 09:25

Pick your battles absolutely and be glad that she knows her own mind. We need more girls in the world like this!!

This, they turn into great women,

indoorplantqueen · 27/06/2025 09:30

Pick your battles. Does it really matter if she wears a skirt that’s a bit too big? Change your tactic- I like that new skirt on you’. I bet your day would be better.

Original poster
heartsandtears · 27/06/2025 09:32

VirginaGirl · 27/06/2025 09:23

You obviously have many other examples but I'm not sure the skirt is worth the debate. 'Pick your battles' as they say!

Being headstrong isn't a bad thing. I have a son who has always known exactly what he wants to do in life including what he wanted to do for a living and he is now working really hard towards that. He isn't a 'ditherer' which I like. When he was 2, he used to put himself on the naughty step when he knew that I was just about to send him there. Just to beat me to it!

I would advise giving your daughter a bit more say in her own decisions over certain things.

The skirt probably wasn’t the best example but it was this morning so the last of a long list. I would have picked my battles with that one had it not been ridiculously too big.

OP posts:
Araminta1003 · 27/06/2025 09:32

Is she the youngest?
Does she want more control than is usual for her age? I would probably let her wear the skirt and get in trouble at school and let her learn through natural consequences, as long as they are not “dangerous”.

PothasProblem · 27/06/2025 09:32

I have an extremely strong willed child too. She's now a very responsible and independent teen.

It takes 2 people to argue. Step away from trying to control and she'll need to exert herself (inappropriately) less. Use natural consequences more

In your skirt example. She wears a heavy skirt which is too big on a hot day. She feels hot and uncomfortable all day. That was her choice. By all means give her the information if you think she's not thought through her choice, but for low stakes stuff like this, let her fail.

You'll need to grow a thick skin, so you don't worry about other parents judging you for being 'neglectful' or whatever worry your you have about her not being dressed appropriately.

Cancelling the trip to McDonald's makes no sense, because there's 6 hours between the getting dressed choice and the punishment. And McDonald's has no relevance to clothing choices.

Also in general, give her more responsibility and more freedom. Get her making her own breakfast/packed lunch. Make her responsible for her pe kit/book bag. Give her as much as she can handle and is safe. Allow her to fail if she drops the ball. She needs to be in control of and responsible for the 'important' (to her) things so she'll stop trying to control things that seem really petty

Araminta1003 · 27/06/2025 09:33

It is also the time of year in the academic school year when the majority of kids are tired and exhausted.

Araminta1003 · 27/06/2025 09:36

Agree with everything @PothasProblem has said.

Brave fearless girls who try new things are an inherently good thing. As look as they make safe choices. What you do not want is to let the “system” batter them to become pleasers.

FloofyBird · 27/06/2025 09:37

DaftNoodle · 27/06/2025 09:25

Pick your battles absolutely and be glad that she knows her own mind. We need more girls in the world like this!!

This. And prepare for the teen years (from the mum of a 15 yo strong willed girl 😂).

babasaclover · 27/06/2025 09:37

This sounds exhausting I feel for you.

regarding the taking treats away - it doesn’t work she is still doing what she wants, and then was probably a nightmare to you all evening at home so both are suffering. If you’ve made a rule or something such as the skirt do not let her out the house like it, never mind treats just do not let her wear the skirt it’s not a bargaining situation and McDonald’s as the bargaining chip didn’t work anyway.

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 27/06/2025 09:38

In fairness it sound like you are being as headstrong as she is and locking horns. She is used to missing out on everything now because she isn’t doing exactly as you wish. I feel sorry for her.

I would mitigate situations like this by not having clothes that are too big for her available to her - next year’s uniform isn’t needed in her wardrobe yet. Set out school clothes together the night before.

Cadenza12 · 27/06/2025 09:38

It doesn't make sense, she's got her way. She goes to school in the clothes that you tell her to wear. Full stop. There's no discussion, no negotiation. You are the parent here, tail wagging dog comes to mind. It needs to stop before you have a totally out of control teen.

Whocanresist · 27/06/2025 09:38

I don’t see the point in punishing her over the skirt by cancelling McDonald’s. What is the link between the two?

Original poster
heartsandtears · 27/06/2025 09:38

Lilactimes · 27/06/2025 09:26

It sounds tricky.
Is she like this at school @heartsandtears ?
Does she have a close bond with you or do you feel that you’re constantly restraining her and telling her off? I’m not judging just sometimes it gets like that and the joy and fun can disappear.
Is it worth trying to increase the fun time, the games, quizzes, colouring, playing hide and seek all together? Then really choose your punishments carefully. It may upset her more if she feels really close to you and loves the fun times and then she may not want to forego this time and listen more carefully.
With my daughter - if I played with her one on one once a fortnight for about half a day - really intense at her level full on game - she would be really well behaved… I could see her behaviour slipping the further away from that day we got , until I played with her again… then she would be more likely to listen to me.
anyway I wish you luck x

I do feel a bit like I’m always telling her off. She has 2 other siblings who are really well behaved and she hates them for it and is quite resentful when they get a treat for good behaviour.
If I don’t have these consequences in place the others feel it’s unfair, for example if I ask them to tidy their bedroom for some pocket money and they do a brilliant job and she point blank refuses then she’ll feel angry and resent them when they get their reward.
This is what’s not working.

OP posts:
Twisterpiggy · 27/06/2025 09:39

babasaclover · 27/06/2025 09:37

This sounds exhausting I feel for you.

regarding the taking treats away - it doesn’t work she is still doing what she wants, and then was probably a nightmare to you all evening at home so both are suffering. If you’ve made a rule or something such as the skirt do not let her out the house like it, never mind treats just do not let her wear the skirt it’s not a bargaining situation and McDonald’s as the bargaining chip didn’t work anyway.

But creating arbitrary rules is a big part of the reason children feel the need to resist.
A slightly too big heavier skirt is really a non issue.
The more “rules” for everything then the more likely for a child to rebel imo.

Coffeeishot · 27/06/2025 09:39

heartsandtears · 27/06/2025 09:32

The skirt probably wasn’t the best example but it was this morning so the last of a long list. I would have picked my battles with that one had it not been ridiculously too big.

Show quote history

I know its not about the skirt but you need to look ahead the skirt was just to get a reaction she doesn't know why she put the skirt on it was just there and her impulse was just to put it on, it is exhausting but don't put temptation in her way.

Coffeeishot · 27/06/2025 09:41

What age are her siblings?

Coffeeishot · 27/06/2025 09:45

Tidying her room break it into little chunks so ask her to put her books away, or bring her clothes to the laundry basket. I personally wouldn't give money or treats for chores for any of them I think everybody gets their pocket money on a Friday or whenever regardless of behaviour.

Original poster
heartsandtears · 27/06/2025 09:51

Coffeeishot · 27/06/2025 09:41

What age are her siblings?

Her older sister is 10 and younger sister is 6 (she’s nearly 8) so they are all very close in age but she’s very competitive and jealous of her sisters because they never get into trouble only because they are good and she shares a room with her older sister who keeps it nice and tidy so when they are both asked to tidy their room she will let her sister do it all.

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 27/06/2025 09:54

She's just look for attention and I think she had gone into the cycle of negative attention is better than none, I know it makes no sense you love them all equally but in her little head she needs you to look at her more.