WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

If you have been with him for over 20 years, you will know... PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE! If you are staying with him in the vain hope that he will or that you'll be able to mould him to 'how you want him to be', it just isn't going to happen.
Have you heard about the new book from Mel Robbins called, Let Them?
The sooner you stop projecting your expectations of yourself and your own values onto other people, the sooner you will stop feeling disappointed when they let you down. It's better to have no expectations at all and then you're always pleasantly surprised!
Just let him do what he wants to do. I know that wi piss you off, because it would me too but now you have the opportunity to reevaluate your marriage and lifestyle based on what you know his choices are. He chose to go to Glastonbury come hell or high water, over looking after your sick daughter in hospital and the emotions and physical wellbeing of his frazzled wife.
I think you need to think long and hard about whether your marriage has a future because it sounds like this opened up Pandora's box of old, unresolved issues and feelings. Good luck trying to squash the lid back down on all of that.

🤣🤣🤣You’re funny..truly.

Im assuming it’s a joke? Honestly, try harder 🙄

My DH is autistic. It's typical autistic behaviour that if something unusual and unexpected happens (e.g. child in hospital) to not be able to process it very quickly and therefore by default to stick to the original plan (e.g. go to Glastonbury), however inappropriate that now is. He needs really clear communication and for you to spell out to him exactly what you need (even if it seems obvious to everyone else). My DH appreciates me just saying what I want, even if to me it sounds rude being so blunt! My DH would have been confused with a "go if you want" answer and would have gone too, I expect.
Hope your daughter gets better soon OP. I think a PP has mentioned the link with autism and eating disorders. It could be worth mentioning at hospital that she may be autistic too, so she receives the best approach to her care for her needs.

That’s nothing to be proud of. Some people are actually fun you know. Why the casual ageism and sexism? Plenty of people in their 30s and 40s and beyond go to Glastonbury and other festivals such as Download, not to mention gigs. Are we all supposed to turn into a hermit once reaching an arbitrary age?

The lack of respect for the Dad is very out of order. He probs sacrifices a lot, provides a lot and is allowed to have a break for a few days. Tickets are notoriously hard to get too. As for the DC not being impressed, they should be more grateful for the sacrifices that their father has no doubt made for them over the years, this attitude shows everything that’s wrong with modern parenting

Glastonbury isn’t my thing, but live music is completely different from listening at home.

And it’s not an age-restricted activity - how strange that someone would think that over-25s aren’t interested in music!

I am 43 and I would totally go to Glasto again, even though the last time I went was in 2007 and a big night out for me these days is out for dinner until 10pm.

I would not, however, go if my child was hospitalised for an eating disorder, regardless of how hard tickets were to come by. It wouldn’t cross my mind to want to go.

I would tell him not to come back afterwards

Sounds like AI.

Thing is...he didn't tell his family he had plans or a ticket. A bit different to a planned, known about trip to what he has done.

he still hasnt asked about his child! this is ridiculous now

All I could think was - you didn’t bother changing while it was only making me unhappy - but now there are consequences for you, you’re suddenly motivated to. Just proves my point really.

@Endoftheroad12345 just thought I’d highlight this again - really insightful I think.

Please get rid of this dead weight OP. I’d use the time he’s away to do some research. I’d feel pretty worthless if I was your DD and my dad fucked off on a jolly while I was in hospital. Show her she is worth more.

He is not a "good father." As a complete outsider reading your tale, I gleaned these traits about your relationship:

1. He treats you like his mother, may I go? Your not his f***g mother. That's disgusting.

2. You set up traps for him "up to you," instead of telling him he's an adult and you are not his parent and he is more than old enough to know what he should do with one child in the hospital and another child home alone. This is not f+++++g rocket science. Dad should be able to figure this out, autism notwithstanding.

3. He left his minor son alone in the middle of a family crisis letting a video game be his companion. That is your other child. I understand you did not have the physical ability nor the mental or emotional bandwidth for your son, but your husband did and didn't do a damn thing for him. You son is not immune to feelings, especially fear, just because he plays video games. So we are clear, that's called child abandonment. I don't care how old that kid is, his sister is in the hospital with very serious health concerns. I'm going to repeat that: child abandonment.

Your husband and father of your children had A DUTY TO BE THERE FOR HIS SON. By not being there, by leaving his son alone, he was telling his son by his actions exactly where his son is in his father's hierarchy of concerns and how much lower his daughter is in his hierarchy of concerns. It is probable your husband has done this before to his children and with something this alarming and life threatening, may have caused grave emotional harm, but it won't really show up for several years.

4. Harm, however, is definitely showing up for you. You want to convince yourself your son did not notice his father left him alone while his sister's health was critical because it's too painful to think about what it actually meant for your son and your plate is overfull. His "fucking off" quadruples his abandonment of you and your children and reinforces his dearth of actual care for all of you.

5. He doesn't care. Seriously. Take this in. He doesn't give a rat's ass. He might do things that make it seem like he does, but he doesn't.

This is a really important concept and one that you brought up. He didn't want his lifestyle to change because that impacted his wellbeing, so he adjusted, but he was slipping back.

In the middle of a crisis he did what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it and no other person's wellbeing impacted that. He doesn't care. What father doesn't call to find out about his hospitalized daughter? Take a call from his stressed out wife and mother of his child? There is nothing that he can ever do or say that will change the hard, stone-cold fact of his actions. He really, truly doesn't care.

6. I laughed so hard when you wrote you're not angry. Girl, when you finally blow, I'm going to get lava all over my house and I'm in San Diego, an ocean and a continent away. You are so deeply enraged it bleeds molten through every word.

You are so overwhelmed you are out of touch with yourself and have absolutely no idea what you feel. But I feel like someone should hide your knives before he gets home because hiding a body is a lot of work. And then the kids would have no one.

You gotta come to Jesus on this, and I don't mean religion, but that works for some people, I mean face the actual facts. It will change your life and your life needs changing.

Wishing your daughter health and a clean recovery. Wishing your son a sports team, ping pong, curling, anything. Send him out here, we have surfing.

I honestly think the dcs just think he’s a pillock anyway and are used to him. Eldest Ds said as much earlier today “don’t worry mum, we all know what he’s like - we live with him don’t we? You shouldn’t think that we don’t get it or think he’s funny or a crazy guy for doing that”. That made me feel validated but also really sad that he feels that way.

you need to take some responsibility here. You’ve had multiple kids with a guy that quite clearly does not give a fuck - bordering on a psychopathic disorder. Protect your children.

If you suspect he is autistic why the fuck did you say he could go? You need to say what you mean and mean what you say. Yabu for that.

Have you told him how serious dd's condition is?

However, I would be miffed if he has gone with no ticket. I could understand him going if she is bog standard poorly, (doesn't sound like she is) he had tickets paid for, and he was willing to keep in contact and leave if necessary.

No. There comes a point where he’s not an active and supportive participant in the relationship. And this is most certainly it. She doesn’t need to mother him. Or ‘be clear with him’. She needs to leave him

Why the fuck is it her problem to mother him? She was in and out of hospital with her dd- THAT was her focus.And I don’t know what kind of shite partners you’ve had or known but who the fuck needs someone to proactively explain that their child is seriously ill to the child’s other parent when they are in and out of hospital for some time?!

Way to go blaming the wrong person - a medal for you!

Or (a crazy idea!) he can NOT ask his wife for permission when their ill daughter is in hospital and her mother is there as a constant support, without her father.

How mad is that?? A father being WITH his child and wife to help them.

Who cares if he has autistic traits? I presume he holds down a job, drives a car, manages to shop etc etc, so his "traits" only raise their head when he wants to be a selfish arse. How convenient.

Him to be a decent father and husband presumably 🙄

You need to teach our kids NOT to accept this in relationships. Your son needs to not be oh yes dad never gives a shit and only cares about himself, he needs to be ‘dad never gave a shit so mum told him to fuck off out of her life because he was a shit partner and a shit dad, and she told me to never let anyone into my life who didn’t give as much as they take and who you couldn’t be confident would be there for you when sick or struggling.’ You do this by telling him to fuck off forever.

100%. You can stop the shit dad cycle

Yes this. My kids are 10.5 and 7. DS (10.5) sees that exH is a shit dad (rarely comes to school events, always prioritises work over them, has limited interest in their feelings, doesn’t do any of the parenting (e.g. doctors appointments, school admin, book parade costumes etc etc). DD (7) idealises her father and wants him to be better. Both remember what he was like to live with (grumpy & abusive, though they didn’t see the worst of it).

They will have to come to terms with who their father is and build their own relationship with him as they grow up, whatever that may be but they have both learned that is behaviour is unacceptable. DS has learnt that if you treat your wife & family like that, you lose them. DD has learnt that you don’t tolerate being treated like that by your husband. It has not been easy and DD in particular struggles with having parents who are split up, but she is only 7, she was 4 when we split. She wants the fantasy of mum & dad being together. I am the adult and I know that growing up as a witness to the marriage we had was incredibly damaging for my kids and their idea of what love is and what a relationship should look like.

I grew up watching my parents’ high conflict marriage and my mum telling me that you should expect very little from men, and that is what I took into adult life. I don’t want that for my kids.They should be utterly loved and treasured, I know now that it is possible and that’s what I want for them.

Everything! That describes a lot of autistic people including my DC!

*He’s!

’His’ means something that belongs to him!

Reassuringly it sounds like your kids take after you. Just pull together and keep supporting each other. 🩷