WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

So, his response when you told him how you feel was - instead of apologising for his extreme thoughtlessness and making arrangements to come straight home - to selectively choose to take you literally and make you feel like a 'meanie?' 🤦‍♀️

Dear OP, your husband's behaviours appear to show an ongoing and mostly unchanging 20 year pattern of:

• extreme emotional immaturity
• a breathtaking lack of care for others
• the prioritisation of his desires over all others' needs or wants
• self-aggrandisement
• self-absorption
• habitual lying/embellishing of facts
• an apparent ability to choose to make some changes - but only when it directly affects him
• manipulative strategies including guilt-inducing, minimising, accusation of pettiness, and selectively using your words against you (see above the example of deliberate taking literally your 'permission' to attend festival despite you saying he does understand sarcasm and nuance)

These traits are far more indicative of something other than ASD. Unfortunately sometime ASD gets confused by some for personality disorders. They can also co-exist, of course. But irrespective of any diagnosis - which by the way would be a show of good faith from him if he underwent assessment - is this what you want for your life in the future?

Your children certainly have him worked out. Some counselling for yourself could help to find a way forward for you. I wish you and your children all the best.

Are you the husband? Because your comment speaks volumes.

You told him to go, whether in jest or not so, that’s on you. But I’d be miffed he chose Glasto when it’s such a shit line up this year.
Seriously though, this isn’t about Glastonbury or your other half. The fact you’re breaking your heart over someone who chooses a shitty gig over their child & wife is just wrong. Kid yourself all you want with the neurodiverse narrative, but you are only kidding yourself. Shit husband, shit dad, shit taste in music. Kick him to the curb and move on. Autism, or any other perceived place on the spectrum, is not a get out of jail free card for shitty behaviour / values…whatever.

Is there some way you could find out whether he really did buy a ticket, to puncture his bravado? E.g. his email, bank records?

This is an utter waste of your time and emotional energy. It doesn’t matter if he bought a ticket or not. Nobody of any worth gives a damn if he blagged his way in nor has a high enough opinion of him for it to drop if they discovered he was lying.

Don’t pay attention to posters encouraging you to ramp up the drama in your life for MN entertainment.

Focus on your DD and when you have the capacity, make plans to leave this waster behind.

I have seen this scenario played out so many times with friends and my own parents.
The.men always suggest counselling thinking it'll fix everything but it's too little too late and th woman is way past that by the time the penny drops

I also.wanted to.say that I hope your DD is ok, I have a DD of similar age and eating issues of any sort are horrendous for them and for you, I really hope she's going to be ok

I agree with this - you need to articulate what you want and need. But again does negate the fact he is being a crappy parent and not taking ED seriously. I wishing your daughter the best.

This is one of the worst things I have read on here. OP this is awful. Your dd and you dont deserve this.

I think it also shows a bit of exasperation; OP is done arguing.

Hi Op I have an autistic daughter who has had serious anorexia for years involving frequent very long re feeding, tube feeding and monitoring stays in hospital. As you know Anorexia is horrific for both parents and parents cope in different ways. You have to grab the joy when it appears. It is also important for sufferers to see life goes on for those around them and what they’re missing.This was advice we had from several professionals which has helped hugely with recovery.

I’m not sure what you expected from your husband.I wouldn’t have expected my husband to hover at home whilst my daughter was in hospital or vice versa if he was in with her and I was at home. It is a marathon and hugely tough on marriages. Although it’s worrying she wasn’t in for long and her being allowed to go home is a big positive. I hope things are continuing to go well at home.

Yes yes re wording as regards autism. You weren’t that clear and those with autism take things very literally. Also they can bolt and not know how to handle difficult emotions. Yes not great in some situations but they’ll be amazing in other situations and have many positive characteristics too.

I presume CAMHs know that there is autism in the family and I’d mention it if not as it can impact treatment in patients.

When he returns op could you organise some self care time slots for yourself. It’s important that you both look after yourselves. Have time together and apart to recharge. It will be hugely important for your husband as he will use up tolerance of all the stress and anxiety quicker but it’s also just as important for you to get some time away even if just a few hours at a time.

Also treatment very much involves parents working as a united front so it will be necessary to resolve your differences somehow. Maybe talk things through away from your daughter, communicating how you feel and making a self care/ coping plan together.

Would you have left your daughter while she was in hospital to go to Glastonbury for four day and never once ask about her wellbeing? Really?

Yes if my husband was there, even when she was on one of her many refeeding programmes and long stays. An overnight physical monitoring stay is just that and the wider condition needs to be looked at. You have to pace yourselves and grab opportunities when you can. It’s also very important parents work together and are on the same page which is incredibly hard. Treatment is family therapy, I hope OP is getting access to that as it would be far more helpful to discuss this with a family therapist than with a group of frothing MNers.

I think the fact that he hasn’t bothered to phone to check to make sure dd is okay and if you’re alright just shows how selfish he is.

Of course he would use that excuse but any decent and responsible parent would put their family first.
Even then, even if he decided he needed to go, surely he would check in more rather than posting pictures showing how much fun he’s having.

Sounds like your children know how lousy he is but it’s teaching your dd that some people don’t care. She needs her father to step up and support her, demonstrate his love for her and make her see that he’s going to be there in the hard times but really he’s shown that he doesn’t care and that’s horrible.

I think I would find this far too hard to move past.

She updated a family WhatsApp chat. Frankly I really don’t see how helpful dragging children into marital disputes is particularly during managing an ED. Treatment is very much family focused. Differences will need to be resolved.

I think the main issue is op’s husband isn’t stepping up to support the family in any way.
If he was truly there for dd all the time then I don’t think the op would have been as upset about it. She isn’t trying to make him lose his identify, she wants him to care.
He disappeared without making sure the second child was cared for, he didn’t bother checking if the oldest was coming home; he didn’t leave a note/ message/ phone call to say he was heading off and he hasn’t even bothered to check if they are still in hospital or even okay.

I imagine op would have felt differently about him going if he was far more hands on and if he checked more regularly rather than only posting pictures of himself.’

updating the family chat wasn’t great but she’s had enough and is angry. The children at some point, need to realise that he hasn’t been there to support the family. Updating the family WhatsApp chat is nowhere near as bad as disappearing for a weekend and not even caring.

Resolving this in some way and finding a way to work together will be key. There are always 2 sides to everything which is why threads like this aren’t helpful. I think I’d go back to CAMHs, explain the difficulties and ask if there is any support or bring it up in family therapy if that has already been started .

How old are the 2 children?
Im disgusted at him going actually… if they kept your DD in and were inserting feeding cubes etc & you needed to stay in for a few nights, who would be at home with your aon? Or are you going to tell us he’s 19 or something? Can he cook and look after himself?
Your daughter
sounds really quite poorly and I’m sorry but I’d absolutely want to be nearby encase my child or wife needed me (if I was in his shoes)
I hope he doesn’t get in!!!… I’d be surprised if people without tickets can get in tbh, there are several check points at festivals these day to stop a repeat of times when
people jumped fences and caused trouble, or people got crushed !! Also only the
people with tickets are covered by insurance.
He sounds like a selfish idiot!

Hope your DD is recovering soon xx

The people defending the husband are ridiculous. Maybe having a father that doesn’t care about his daughter is at the root of her problems.
It’s not the op’s job to make her husband know how to act; that’s on him. How anyone could enjoy being at a festival with their child unwell in hospital is beyond me.
I am a teacher and am so sick of the awful parenting I see. Then we wonder why so many kids have issues with their mental health.
There is something seriously wrong with a parent who is just so selfish and detached. The phrase ‘grab the joy’ is rage inducing. The op isn’t experiencing much joy is she? Or her daughter?
Act like a bloody parent.

Then you are as bad as the op’s flaky husband.

Anorexia is a marathon not a sprint and for many involves multiple long refeeding hospital stays. It was an overnight obs check. Professionals advise you to grab what you can, you helpfully omitted my suggestion of finding in a way to ensure op sorts out self care for herself too. When you’ve walked the walk then feel free to lecture.

Glastonbury is full of middle-aged and even older men who think they are 'down with the kids'.

Perfect response OP!

if my DH’s ‘entire identity’ was making up a bullshit reason to go to a music festival for 4 days, when I had a very poorly child and other children to see to, and he’d done FA to support for weeks, AND he didn’t ask if any of us were ok at any point, I’d be mortified that I’d chosen such a partner. I’d also be astounded that anyone ever dared to attempt a defence!

Is he still there? Any offer to come home? Any questions about how you’re doing? (How are you all doing?)

I’d be irate and the longer he acts this way the less likely he’d be ever welcomed back home. He can stay living in his flipping tent if he likes it so much.

Well that’s ridiculous and you clearly don’t know what you’re talking about.. Why on earth would my husband expect me to sit at home when he was in hospital with our daughter?Those were the times I grabbed time for myself- as advised to by several professionals.

For all its faults, Mumsnet is absolutely fine with the strong language that is often needed to describe/express the sheer awfulness of some of the behaviour of the immature, selfish and often downright abusive husbands/partners/fathers on here.

The poster you are criticising is supporting OP. You are definitely not.