WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

@PatriarchyRuinedMyPesto see my comment about reading comprehension. If you could be bothered to read the OPs posts - y'know, that person who posted because they're dealing with a traumatic event, not just for your entertainment - you'd know that her husband has been a particularly shit husband for a good while.

Patriarchy ruined my pesto? You sound like you epitome of the bloody thing.

Have you not actually read any of OP's posts?

Can I just say you have the best username of any mumsnetter I’ve seen 😂

I didn’t say there was. I was just observing what type of person the individual is. We’ve all seen them… pick up from the school gates only breaking their gaze from their phone to swear at their poor children.

@GiveDogBoneMate, I’ve got a PhD and a daughter. Shove it right up your arse.

Yeah, you don’t know much about autism if you think it equals being unempathetic and uncaring. It may have been true that your husband is both of those, but please don’t extrapolate that to autistic people in general.

@PatriarchyRuinedMyPesto You realise his daughter has been hospitalised as a result of an eating disorder? And he’s partying at Glasto? His hobbies should be taking a back seat.

He's just a giant bellend. It's a myth that autistic people don't show/feel empathy or emotions. I'd worry less about him and his potential issues and focus on the fact you've both got a child who's 12 and has a diagnosed eating disorder, so bad the NHS, which is leaving people in tempory trollys in corridors as there are no beds, still kept her in and will do again.

He's unbelievably selfish, but that's not your daughter's fault, and really, that's the only person that matters here, anniversary or not.

Seriously, in a thread of nearly 700 posts it didn't occur to you that there might be a bit more going on here? That maybe you should take a look at the OP's posts at least?

And if 'going to festivals' is a more important part of your identity than 'showing your hospitalised child you give a crap about her/supporting your wife' then you're a shitty parent, a crap spouse and an all-round selfish twat, whether you identify as such or not.

It's not an overreaction. I would rather be single than have a shit husband. Fortunately I have an amazing husband who would never in a million years go to a music festival with a daughter in the hospital. Are you male?

I guess this is why a diagnosis would be helpful because you would knows he might need a clearer - you cant go etc.
re empathy some asd kids at least cant see another persons side.

i do think mt dd only cares about what she wants like shes stuck at a very young age. And her friend is even worse if he wants to leave his mum has to go. He wont go to activies he isnt interested in.

Plus perhaps he wouldnt care if he were on hospital and his dad we nt to glastonbury because he cant do anything.

@Freddl6 the OP has enough on her plate parenting her child. She's not responsible for parenting her husband.

I'm struggling to process how someone could be so selfish. He doesn't deserve you, or your lovely children (sending hugs to your DD and you - EDs are a bastard and if she's eating/trying amid it all she's an absolute rockstar). I hope he's camped next to someone playing the bongos all night.

Leaving is the right thing to do - PP have said it all. He doesn't care about you or your kids, or show it in any way that matters - why he doesn't do that is immaterial (though my suspicion is that he's a dickhead first and foremost).

Yes, this is it exactly. I do think there’s something “not right” about him. He doesn’t seem to think like other people and I’ve just come not to rely on him for anything.

Ive been with my dm and dd today and had a really nice day - I’m just catching up with the thread.

Last night I messaged him and basically told him exactly what I thought of him. His response - predictably- was “you said I could go” and how I’m a big meanie for having a go at him.This was after I’d sent a long message telling him how I felt, how stressed and upsetting it’s been and telling him what happened in the hospital (he hasnt asked). At that point he didn’t even know if we were still at the hospital or not. He still didn’t ring to try and talk or apologise or find out info about dd. I told him it was his choice to go, I’m not his mum and I’m not telling him how to behave like a decent person.
Today I cracked after he put another blase message on WhatsApp like “oh it’s great here, just chillin next to the main stage”. I put a message on the family WhatsApp detailing what had happened with dd (up to this point I’d not informed the dcs of what’s been going on as I did t want to worry them but I just thought “fuck it - they should know what an arse their dad is”.) I was just quite matter of fact about what’s been going on and that I came home and dads gone off to Glastonbury without even ringing or leaving a message - and that I don’t think it’s very fair to be posting “look what fun I’m having” and pics when he knows im upset and have had an awful couple of weeks. I don’t want my boys thinking this is normal behaviour or my dds thinking I’m a pushover.
I honestly think the dcs just think he’s a pillock anyway and are used to him. Eldest Ds said as much earlier today “don’t worry mum, we all know what he’s like - we live with him don’t we? You shouldn’t think that we don’t get it or think he’s funny or a crazy guy for doing that”. That made me feel validated but also really sad that he feels that way. None of the dcs have responded to his messages and they’re not impressed.
My dm was shocked and disgusted and that isnt even like her - she usually never takes sides but she knows how unhappy I was last year and is disappointed he’s reverted back to type.

I always question myself and whether I’m wrong for feeling the way I do. I’m tired of it, I’ve had it for 20 odd years now. Tired of waiting for him to get some emotional intelligence and act in the way a caring husband and father would .

I think he had a ticket all along - and it is totally something he would lie about to make a good story. It’s pathetic.

Im just a bit drained today and thinking through my options. I massively feel like I’ve got the ick though, I’m dreading him coming back and it’s a shame bc we’d been getting on quite well. Now I just feel like no one can really change and I’m not sure I want to be with someone who consistently lets me down.

DD is ok, she has eaten well and we’re watching Hercules together. She said she “thinks it’s a bit weird” that dad has gone off to Glastonbury when she was in hospital. That was totally unprompted, I haven’t said anything to her. It’s heartbreaking really.

Ive often felt that the kids and I are like commodities to him. He likes having a wife and family but he doesn’t really connect with people - it’s so difficult to explain. Hes told me himself he doesn’t think he’s normal.

Thanks everyone who’s been supportive.

And just to point out: he doesn’t have an autism diagnosis - I’ve just said he has autistic traits. He understands right from wrong and nuance in conversations. It’s no excuse, and I’m sick of making excuses for him.

Im actually having a lovely time without him here - it’s nice just focussing on me and the DCs.

Do grown people actually go to music events?

Why not just listen at home?

Thank you for this. I never in a million years thought I would be seeing my child go through something like this.

I’ve never felt so helpless and scared in my life.

I don’t know how you could stay with someone so selfish. Leaving a daughter in hospital, and his other children unattended at home, and you to care for everyone…? It’s just unfathomable to me. A good father and husband would not want to be away from his family in this situation, let alone actually do it and then be able to enjoy himself.

Im not sure how you can allow him back into the home after that I would be changing the locks

What an odd takeaway from this thread.

There you go. Lots of ‘grown people’ for you.

He doesn’t seem to be, no.

He always thinks everything will be ok. He’s not the one who’s been liasing with dr’s, nurses, therapists and taking her to meetings.

He buries his head in the sand about everything and is very a “toxic positivity” type. I’ve never seen him upset about anything.

Does he have form for embellishing stories to make them sound more grand?

Oh Christ, yes. He tells the same stories time and again and they always get a bit more grandiose. It’s very cringey and I often wonder if he has early onset Alzheimer’s too bc of how forgetful he is. He literally won’t remember a conversation we had the day before. I used to think he was always gaslighting me and trying to make me think I’m going crazy but now I think he just doesn’t hold onto information. He says he doesn’t have enough room in his brain bc he’s so busy and important.

Preserve your peace @Hopetheportaloosareminging

I spent years sending long messages to my ex, explaining all the ways he was wrong, asking him to get diagnosed for autism, meds for anxiety, querying whether he had intermittent explosive disorder… he did not give a fuck. As long as I stayed and he kept the status quo as he liked it, he didn’t see any need for change.

He did start caring when I told him the marriage was over. Suddenly there were promises of therapy, change, etc etc etc (while still being an absolute cunt to me when I didn’t fall for it). All I could think was - you didn’t bother changing while it was only making me unhappy - but now there are consequences for you, you’re suddenly motivated to. Just proves my point really.

Also - the fact he says you gave him permission says it all really. A father who gave a shit about his DD wouldn’t want to go, let alone dream of asking. It demonstrates that he thinks the kids are your responsibility and that his relationship with his DD isn’t something he cares about for him/her self. My ex was/is identical.

All that tells me is that man children attend Glastonbury too and not just young 20-somethings.

Just like OP's manchild DH. How can anyone over the age of 25 have the energy to go to such a place? I would probably fall asleep in the concert hall.

OMG are you married to my ex. He did the same thing re embellishing stories. So cringe. It’s borne out of insecurity IMO, and a tenuous grasp on the truth.

He did it especially with his (similar) father - they had a weird damaged relationship (dumped in boarding school when his parents moved to Hong Kong when he was 15 among other things) and it was a way of getting his dad’s attention/approval - telling these embellished stories like a performing seal.

He remembers nothing because other people aren’t important to him.

Music festivals are part of a lot of people’s identity

Do you think him being a present and concerned father and partner should be a more prominent aspect of his identity than going to a festival? Given how he chose to get married and have children? Did op not need support during this testing time?

I think this is such an important post on this thread. It draws some really clear truths from the POV of a poster who's been there.