WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

I agree, if my daughter even has the flu i worry. Child in hospital dad at Glastonbury what an absolute cunt. A 5 year old is more caring than him.

I think yabu. If you think he's autistic then you must realise he needs stuff spelling out to him. So if you wanted him to stay with you you should have said that.

Any update? Did he ever message you OP? He has been massively inconsiderate, selfish and self important… I think you should tell him you are going on a spa break for 3 days with a friend who you haven’t seen in 20 years. Don’t make it a discussion just mention it and then leave. Let him see what it’s like. Leave him the list of things he needs to do if he’s so out of the parenting loop that he can’t work it out for himself. If he even remotely complains just say “You did the exact same thing, it’s my turn. Bye!”

The number of people in the last few pages who seem to think they're experts on autism yet aren't capable of simple reading comprehension...

SOME people with autism take things literally
Taking things literally does NOT necessarily mean how people in here seem to think it does (ie being incapable of thinking)
Autism is a HUGELY varied condition
The OP has said, several times, that her husband is capable of recognising sarcasm, and had already understood the nuance - by commenting on a way to push her to give or deny permission - AND that she had told him that his choice would be on his conscience..

Please, stop talking about adults as though they have the mental skills of a three year old. We walk among you! It's called a spectrum for a reason!

Indeed.
My ASD exH failed to come and look after his ASD Dd last year when her big brother was extremely ill (went into A&E and suddenly in High Needs in heart failure). Not because he is ASD, because he is a selfish git.

OP, I'm sorry that you have this level of support in your life. I too married someone who seemed 'good enough' to have children with. Turned out not to be. Neither Dd nor I will ever quite trust him again.

My husband would not leave the hospital if that was his daughter. We have been married for 37 years and his never wavering loyalty to me and the kids is a beautiful thing.

Well obviously LTB. And I wonder, have the middle aged losers he’s gone with, also left wives with children at home. 🤢

It pathetic isn’t it. They rarely fail to live down to low standards.

Ah give over !

I think he had tickets already

A lot! My DH has just been diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. He’s always masked and had a breakdown a few years ago. He’s not the person I married at all and it’s been a struggle. Therapy and a diagnosis has helped hugely.

@Hopetheportaloosareminging I'm confused.

DH fucking off to Glastonbury would suggest that he is a young man, no older than 23. So how does he have teenage children?

I voted you are B U because of this. Why would you say it in a jokey fashion, when you should have said FFS, don't you care that your child is in hospital, of course you can't go! Or words to that effect. Sorry OP, but you brought this one on yourself. Why do so many women expect men to mind read their minds. I'm a woman, and it's people who say the opposite of what they actually mean/want that that has led men, when accused of rape, to saying things like, 'well she said no, but she giggled, so I thought she meant yes, your honour'. If you mean YES, say YES! If you mean NO, then say NO! Men can be bloody thick and selfish at the best of times, without you giving them mixed signals.

I read post after post on Mumsnet about appalling, terrible, awful men. Disgraces to humanity. Cruel, selfish, miserly, sociopathic. Just unbelievably terrible. And I think to myself, well at least I wasn’t anything as bad as that in my marriage.

and then I remember that they’re still married and I’m not. :)

It gets to the stage that the good points become irrelevant. You and the children are the most important people in the picture and not Mr selfish.

The age profile at Glastonbury isn't 23 year olds!

I feel you 0p. Husband acted like nothing wrong when daughter had eating disorder 5 years ago. Would not meet eating disorder nurse. Pretended it wasnt happening. Filed for divorce this year. Can’t fucking wait to be free of his bullshit

What a wonderful, well brought-up and educated, person you are to use that language. Hopefully you’ve not got any children to pass those behaviours on to.

Have not read the full thread but I'm surprised how many have said (paraphrasing) "you said he could go"

The fact he chose to is what makes him at fault here. She shouldn't have to stop him.

I take it you're new here? There's no censorship on swearing here

I know you mean well with this comment, truly.

And you're right his presence has possibly contributed to his daughters need for control if he is as much of an emotionally unavailable parent as he is a partner, but her eating isn't likely to improve within a few days especially in a hospital.

She's in hospital because she's at a crisis point, not because they can rehabilitate her. Hospitals are their own form of trauma when you have an eating disorder. The doctors and staff are often not fully aware of how eating disorders work.

I support a young lady with anorexia and I've had staff say things like "you look good today", when she's not been able to eat a thing they've brought because it's too much, different textures, the pressure to consume a specific amount of calories, threats of feeding tubes being made, and it overall reinforcing the idea that if someone says you look good when you're not eating, you'd look better if you carried on not eating.

We've been on wards with other girls with anorexia passing out tips to make it appear like you're gaining weight, and girls who have passed away waiting for beds in our local specialist eating disorder facility.

We've been on mixed general wards with the general population being mixed in and also saying things like "you're so pretty" on days where she has not eaten.

We've had doctors and nurses scream that her phosphate is so dangerously low that if she doesn't start eating they will section her.

She's been sectioned and they still haven't administered any different interventions than they would on a voluntary admission.

She's been given drips with alsorts of cocktails mixed in, given the all clear out of the danger zone and then had an event before being discharged leading to extended admission when she is just so desperately homesick, unable to eat the hospital food without gagging while a nurse sits and watches her try and stuff it in as fast as she can so she doesn't have to suffer as long.

It gets to a point where it doesn't matter what the cause of the trauma was that started the anorexia, eating itself or the expectation to becomes incredibly traumatic. It's performance pressure, and it's like having the worst stage fright while being the most important public speaker.

I'm sure the OP would love a clear cut and dry explainable trigger to just make it all disappear but it's so complex that a few days away from her dad won't change deeply ingrained psychological behaviours and aversions.

Calm down. If it was the other way around no doubt he’d be controlling her

That’s a silly overreaction. Presumably he spends most of his time prioritising his wife and daughter. Why shouldn’t he have a few days off to go to a music festival. Music festivals are part of a lot of people’s identity

@PatriarchyRuinedMyPesto You need to have a word with yourself.

Not really. Relationships are about give and take. Not the husband having to sacrifice his entire identity. If she’s a good wife she will understand how important it is to have time apart to pursue hobbies and interests and to see friends etc. it’s much healthier for the relationship. Music is also a big thing for lots of people and it’s very unfair to expect him to sacrifice that

Totally unreasonable from my side, if I had a child in hospital I wouldn’t be legging it off anywhere like that. The only thing I can say in his defence is that if he is autistic, he may not have understood the subtext in “go if you want, it’s on your conscience.” I think taking stuff literally like that is possibly an autistic trait and he may have understood that as “permission.”