WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

I voted YABU because in my opinion you are nowhere near angry enough.

Yes, having read your updates he is quite simply an arsehole.

I know someone like this. We had him all pinned down as on the spectrum and unaware of how his behaviours impacted others, well because no one could be that much of an arsehole. He was so horrified to learn we were all making allowances for him he changed his behaviours and can quite clearly make an effort when it suits him. He’s gone back to being a complete dick so we are LC.

If you have teens you have up to half your life left. Is this how you want to spend it? You have a lot on your plate right now but it might help your mental health to start planning your exit.

I sympathise with the husband. My DD had anorexia as a young adult. A couple of times I went to stay at a nearby hotel overnight because the strain of living with her was so intense. A night off in a quiet room with magazines and a takeaway restored me and made me stronger the next day.

He said he wouldn't go and you told him to go if he wanted to. You suspect he is autistic so it would follow that he took what you said literally.

All that being said I think he is deluded if he thinks he can sneak into Glastonbury. I'll be interested to hear how he gets on.

Of course he had a ticket and now prob thinking about being single and taking drugs. Like Homer Simpson in the episode when Marge lists the things he cannot do. No shindigs,hoedowns, hootenannies etc etc. Sheffield goes thro a long list but obv misses something out and Homer replies you never said X (X being something that he has done eg roistering). This character sounds the same.

This. In answer to your OP, OP. No, I would not be miffed. I would be so incandescent with rage that it would never die in me - ever.

I would get all the current trouble with DD as settled as it's possible to be but in the background I would be getting legal advice, find out what I would and would not get and how life would look for me away from this mental pygmy as to do nothing would make me ill.

I would get everything ready to go. Housing, work, documents, lists of what I was taking and arrangements for that and I would drop the axe when I felt the time was right. Nothing would keep me with a man so selfish. You are worth 1000 of him. I could (and have) forgiven a lot but, against a background you describe of this marriage, I would be done.

Yes, I was thinking this too. I have known a few autistic people in my life, friends and my ex’s daughter, and none of them were uncaring.

It's been notoriously difficult to get into Glastonbury without a ticket for a few years. Also, have they taken camping equipment?

”You can go but don’t bother coming back again” would’ve covered it!

If you didnt really want him to go, which you didn't, you shouldn't have (even jokingly) said it was OK for him to go! For this reason, I have no sympathy for you, sorry.
I understand it isn't fair or ideal as your daughter is in hospital but, especially if you suspect he is autistic, you need to be very clear with your communication, like black and white with no grey areas.
You never know, he might be a changed man when he comes home and, if anything happens to your daughter whilst he is away, he will never forgive himself but there's no point in being cryptic or sarcastic with an autistic person, they just dont get it.

I voted YABU but only because she should have been more direct and said he was right that he couldn’t go. If he is autistic, he will take everything literally and you said he can go, now you are annoyed & disappointed he has gone. I understand that you feel let down because you would not have done this but this response from your husband but can be a big part of how autism impacts ie you have said I can go and I would like to go so I’ll go!

He will if he sees things in black and white.

I think there are two points that stick out to me. On one hand you suspect he is autistic in which case theory of mind may completely pass him by- so saying yes go if you want to for him means go for it. On the other hand you've said you nearly split once already and he has been much better since suggesting he has the ability to show empathy and be aware of others thoughts and feelings... if he fits into the first category you may need to have some harsh words...if it's the second I personally would be having a hard think about the future. I hope that you and your dd are OK. EDs are such horrendous gruelling illnesses for the person and for their loved ones. Sending you positive thoughts

LOL how old are you

it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too

I’ve only just noticed this bit. Obviously their daughter's illness is the most important issue but this is also pretty thoughtless.

And all the posters advocating that he is simply unable to see this as OP does, she did say, as @Loley22 mentioned above, that he'd been much better in the past year since they'd had a severe wobble. Doesn't sound like someone that simply doesn't get it, to me, if he's been able to respond with empathy in the meantime.

What an arsehole. LTB!

My marriage with him would be over. He's told you where you and your daughter lie on his priority list and it's below a music festival.

He's a horror and you should set some firm boundaries and stick to them OP, up to and including leaving if he can't shape up. The whole autism piece is a red herring (I'm autistic BTW and I'd never ever do this, my son is also autistic and a selfish teenager and he also wouldn't do this). He might just he an arsehole, and if he is autistic, well autism isn't a get out of jail free card for being a shitbag.

You are definitely not being unreasonable, it sounds like you're going through a complex situation,and I would be just as upset,but I have learned not to joke about giving them the green light if I really don't want them to and needed them home,as he has taken it literally. It sounds like it’s the small things that you want from him, like a text or a phone call to let you know he's there with you; if not physically, being compassionate and empathetic because you do say he is a good Dad. In my humble opinion, better communication helps. It’s not really a "Mum can't do that," it’s that most mamas wouldn't do that in this situation because we worry about everything and everyone ♥️

YABU if he had tickets
YANBU as he doesn’t have tickets

You mentioned a van OP - I'd be packing his stuff and popping it in there for his return.......... You're a more patient woman than me.

I do think you need to have a serious conversation about where you and your children rate on his list of priorities. But only if you think this relationship is worth working on -

Make it simple, write down your name, your kids names, his work, your home, his hobbies, on bits of paper and have him put them in order, nowhere to hide with something like that. That you have to point this out like he's a child truly irritates me.

You asked wyb "miffed" - I'd be furious, disappointed, raging. Left the 16 year old at home on his own too; what if you'd needed something? Your DH knows he's f'd up, with just keeping in touch by texts/WhatsApp. Stuff like this you should have another adult to bounce off, to give opinions, to share the distress and worry. I wish you and your DD well, and happy.

Fuck all to do with if he had a ticket or not. His daughter was hospitalised due to an eating disorder. He is a Grade A cunt to prioritise a festival over her physical and emotional needs.

This is awful. I would block him so you cant see his ridiculous, living like a single man messages. What do your kids think about this? Your DD at least must feel like a complete irrelevance to him 😞

I'd observe how your daughter does over the next few days with him away. Does his absence improve her eating? I wonder how his stress impacts her. That gives you data for whether you're better together or better separating.

I wonder if he doesn't understand the seriousness of an eating disorder requiring hospital admission. Also wonder if he's so stressed by that and other bits of life that he feels he must 'escape' for a few days.