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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

889 replies

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 15:58

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Frazzled83 · 27/06/2025 13:41

Firstly, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I was anorexic as a teen and just to give you hope I’m now I’m my 40s, fully recovered and have two beautiful (if slightly insane) children. Caitlin Moran had written beautifully about her experiences with her own anorexic daughter in her book more than a woman and I recommend giving it a read. I would also flag that autism is highly genetic and many MANY undiagnosed neurodivergent girls develop eating disorders as a way to cope (this was also me!) so was wondering if this could be relevant for your daughter?

As for husband - yea, absolutely a ridiculous thing to do. However, if he’s autistic and struggles with social communication… you did say he could go. You need to tell him what you want him to do VERY CLEARLY without sarcasm. Be concrete and be direct. He will have 100% just heard ‘yeah, you can go’. So he’s gone. This isn’t about either of you being wrong, but you need to communicate really clearly to avoid things like this in the future. Assuming he’s not some emotionally abusive arsehole, he won’t have done this to be hurtful & will be totally bewildered why you’re angry with him.

Higgledypiggledy864 · 27/06/2025 14:46

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 15:58

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

If your husband is autistic you would both likely benefit if he got a diagnosis and tried to find a couples councilor who specializes in neurodiverse relationships. My DH is autistic and prior to diagnosis and us working on our communication this sort of thing would have happened. And he would have intended no harm, simply would have taken what I said very literally. For us, it's been very worth the investment in our relationship.
Also second the poster who mentioned the link between eating disorders and autism regarding your daughter - autism is chronically under diagnosed in women.

CremeEggThief · 27/06/2025 15:11

I haven't got the time or energy to read this whole thread, but it's as simple as either you choose to forgive him for this or ... not.
I have to say I wonder what good points he actually has, if he thinks this is an okay way to behave, but that's my take.

Moaning about him to a bunch of strangers isn't going to help either you or DD in the long run.

WitchesCauldron · 27/06/2025 15:17

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 15:58

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

His chances of getting into Glasto is nada. So console yourself with that thought.

PatriarchyRuinedMyPesto · 27/06/2025 15:20

In the other thread, people are getting in a tizzy about a woman being told off for going on a night out. People are saying that it’s controlling and even abusive. But yet, in this thread when the man is going to Glastonbury this is somehow a massive problem. I don’t understand such hypocrisy and sexism. If the genders were the other way around, and the wife was going to Glasto the husband would be called controlling and “abusive” for even questioning it

CustardySergeant · 27/06/2025 15:20

WitchesCauldron · 27/06/2025 15:17

His chances of getting into Glasto is nada. So console yourself with that thought.

Show quote history

He has got in. Probably had a ticket all the time

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 27/06/2025 15:23

PatriarchyRuinedMyPesto · 27/06/2025 15:20

In the other thread, people are getting in a tizzy about a woman being told off for going on a night out. People are saying that it’s controlling and even abusive. But yet, in this thread when the man is going to Glastonbury this is somehow a massive problem. I don’t understand such hypocrisy and sexism. If the genders were the other way around, and the wife was going to Glasto the husband would be called controlling and “abusive” for even questioning it

Eh? The man who has buggered off to Glasto has gone off and left his wife to deal with a seriously ill daughter who is in and out of hospital.
A woman who has gone for a few drinks after work, come home a bit tipsy and id bring ignored for it is not in the same ballpark.
The whole point of the Glastonbury thread is that the OP has been left to look after a seriously ill daughter, other kids, and the husband is posting pics of himself at the festival without a care in the world.

ManchesterGirl2 · 27/06/2025 15:29

I'm sorry about your DD.

after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!”

Your communication style seems pretty frustrating. Why not just be direct and say what you actually mean.

LookingAtMyBhunas · 27/06/2025 15:41

Ugh I've got the ick from him just reading this!

I really think you should message him privately and tell him this was the final straw and to make the most of Glastonbury as his life as he knows it is ruined when he comes home.

Also agree he definitely had tickets first. It's literally impossible to break in nowadays.

LookingAtMyBhunas · 27/06/2025 15:43

Higgledypiggledy864 · 27/06/2025 14:46

If your husband is autistic you would both likely benefit if he got a diagnosis and tried to find a couples councilor who specializes in neurodiverse relationships. My DH is autistic and prior to diagnosis and us working on our communication this sort of thing would have happened. And he would have intended no harm, simply would have taken what I said very literally. For us, it's been very worth the investment in our relationship.
Also second the poster who mentioned the link between eating disorders and autism regarding your daughter - autism is chronically under diagnosed in women.

Show quote history

He's not autistic ffs. He's just a selfish knob. They do still exist you know.

Higgledypiggledy864 · 27/06/2025 15:51

LookingAtMyBhunas · 27/06/2025 15:43

He's not autistic ffs. He's just a selfish knob. They do still exist you know.

Show quote history

Well, you sound charming, and certainly like an expert on the topic.
Interestingly though, the OP mentioned daughter is on the ASD assessment pathway. The likelihood of a child having inherited autism from a parent is 80%..

AnonymousBleep · 27/06/2025 15:54

I really hope he doesn't manage to get into Glastonbury. He doesn't deserve to. What a massive prick.

No, YANBU OP!

readytobreakthexbox · 27/06/2025 15:55

Gemmawemma9 · 26/06/2025 16:38

I am gobsmacked at the “well you said he could go!!” Posts! He shouldn’t WANT to fucking go!! How do you care that little about your OWN KID that you fuck off to glasto when she’s seriously ill??
the bar is in fucking hell for these men. I truly honestly despair.

Omg this has perfectly articulated my thoughts too! Why is it even entering his mind to go! Why is it OP's responsibility to gentle-parent him and explain why he 'can't' go? Tbh the mere fact of wanting to and being serious about it would lead me to check out from this marriage. Sending love to you and your DD op! Hope youre getting some support elsewhere!

AnonymousBleep · 27/06/2025 15:56

anytipswelcome · 26/06/2025 21:40

He had a ticket OP, he didn’t sneak his way in!

Yep! It's not been possible to sneak in since the late 90s. I know from experience! We used to sneak in regularly as local-ish teenagers before that.

CustardySergeant · 27/06/2025 15:57

AnonymousBleep · 27/06/2025 15:54

I really hope he doesn't manage to get into Glastonbury. He doesn't deserve to. What a massive prick.

No, YANBU OP!

If you RTFT you would see that he has got in. Possibly because he had a ticket all the time.

AnonymousBleep · 27/06/2025 15:59

CustardySergeant · 27/06/2025 15:57

If you RTFT you would see that he has got in. Possibly because he had a ticket all the time.

Show quote history

I just read it after posting that. If anything, I now hate him more.

That's obviously why he went - because he had a ticket all along. Imagine lying to your wife about that? What a weirdo.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 27/06/2025 16:07

AnonymousBleep · 27/06/2025 15:56

Yep! It's not been possible to sneak in since the late 90s. I know from experience! We used to sneak in regularly as local-ish teenagers before that.

Show quote history

It is very possible. Where I live it’s called being ‘spun in’ and is a lucrative side hustle with a few security staff.
I know two ladies already there older than me and I’m not far off £5, paid £200 each.

LittleBitofBread · 27/06/2025 16:17

Rabbitsockpeony · 26/06/2025 23:39

Yeah, he’s a selfish cunt.

Show quote history

My thoughts precisely Grin

Ibelievetheworldisburningtotheground · 27/06/2025 16:19

Hope you're ok Op and finally stood up for yourself and your daughter and told him to get to fuck.

WolfFoxHare · 27/06/2025 16:26

PatriarchyRuinedMyPesto · 27/06/2025 15:20

In the other thread, people are getting in a tizzy about a woman being told off for going on a night out. People are saying that it’s controlling and even abusive. But yet, in this thread when the man is going to Glastonbury this is somehow a massive problem. I don’t understand such hypocrisy and sexism. If the genders were the other way around, and the wife was going to Glasto the husband would be called controlling and “abusive” for even questioning it

The difference is, his daughter is in and out of hospital with a very serious illness. He shouldn’t even want to leave her. It’s not even close to the same thing.

piscofrisco · 27/06/2025 16:47

you’re not angry? Is that because you are so used to being treated this badly and him not caring about his own child to this degree that you are indifferent to it? If this happened in my marriage it would be the end of my marriage. It’s awful, uncaring, selfish behaviour and it would me think my husband was himself mentally ill to some degree.

CagneyNYPD1 · 27/06/2025 16:50

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 20:00

Oh, he’s just text on the family WhatsApp to say he’s got in. A kind of euphoric “look at me, aren’t I great”? text.

No mention of how his dd is yet.

Im getting very angry now.

I would put good money on him having had a ticket. He’s a liar as well as a crap dad/husband.

Tigergirl80 · 27/06/2025 17:11

I had a selfish twat like that. DS was admitted to hospital after he had his first seizure about age 5. I rang him to ask if he could pick dd up. She was only 2 at the time said he couldn’t he was going to the football. He got a lift up at half time said he would take him with her with him to the football. No way he would have been drinking and I know for a fact he wouldn’t be supervising her properly. Plus I never had her buggy.

So he never took her said he would come back later for her. Luckily I had took some money with us and could take DD to the canteen about 2pm we hadn’t eaten since breakfast. DS has severe autism so can’t be left. They moved him to by the nurses station so they could keep an eye on him. Twat did bring a bag of stuff up for us and got a taxi with ds to my mum’s.

ByTicklishGreenEagle · 27/06/2025 17:20

AllTheOtherCats · 26/06/2025 16:03

What has being unempathetic and uncaring got to do with being autistic?

Sounds like he uncaring butthole. No empathy sounds like a psychopath.

Daleksatemyshed · 27/06/2025 17:34

@Hopetheportaloosareminging please stop worrying about being petty, saying you're petty is his way of silencing you so that he does as he likes. He's not the wild adventurer he thinks he is, he's a selfish, self absorbed nasty little man whose let you carry the family for far, far too long.