WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

This is shit OP, I am so sorry. I don’t think I could forgive and move past this.
I hate that he asked you if he could go because whatever you had said in response would he used against you. It all just shows a lack of care and consideration to you and DC.

If he is autistic and you want the marriage to continue I would encourage him to get diagnosed.. the threat the marriage could end has probably made him mask for the past year, it can only last so long. If he is autistic he will most likely take things literally. He asked whether he could still go, you said yes. Saying it “jokingly” is not on his radar you literally said yes- go.

Communication with someone who is ND takes a bit more thought.

im sorry you’re going through this with your DD - hope she gets some decent help and you have some other support

You are seriously downplaying all of this, probably because he's conditioned you to.

I'm autistic, my DH is ADHD, I'd be fucking livid if he did this and I would chuck him out. No joke. That would finish the relationship for me. He's a shit dad, shit husband, and probably pretty shit person in general. Who the fuck goes to a festival with a seriously ill daughter in hospital and another child needing looking after?

I can't believe how you are joking about this, it's utterly awful behaviour, your bar is on the floor, please raise it and tell him it's over.

"DH, I'm really shocked you thought it was ok to abandon us all when DD is in hospital and this is a time when we needed to pull together as a family and support each other. Instead you've chosen to go off on a whim to a festival, leaving us all and expecting me to manage to look after everyone at a time our family is experiencing crisis.
This behaviour is so unacceptable I can no longer see a future for our marriage. Please make arrangements to live elsewhere after you leave Glastonbury and I'll contact a solicitor on Monday to start our divorce proceedings"

Send it to him and put it on the family WhatsApp. Seriously, you deserve so much better than this.

OP absolutely can blame him for even wanting to go away for the whole weekend while his daughter is so ill that she is in hospital. Like OP has said, if she had told him not to go, he would have sulked all weekend and taken it out on her.

Posting 'look at me having such a good time, I'm down with the kids, reliving my youth' tone deaf messages is just the final straw.

I would have had a hard time not putting something like "oh, didn't you want to visit your daughter in hospital before you went away for the weekend?"

Not that he would have cared.

Shame your kids think it's funny.

Does that als apply to the one in hospital?

Everything on mumsnet. The daughter must be on the spectrum too she has an EA as another poster said.

OP, I think now is the time to REALLY find your anger.

Your husband has neglected you and his daughter and the wider family by selfishly pissing off for at least 4-5 days when you’ve all needed him.

This is unforgivable.

I think you need to stop down-playing how serious things are for your DD to everyone and let me know (all family and friends) what this selfish POS has done.

Then, I would be in LTB territory. He’s proven he’s unreliable, selfish and has no care for others at all so what’s the reason to stay?

He would come home to locks changed, stuff in bin bags on the doorstep and a text saying you’re proceeding with divorce.

Nothing good can come out of staying with him after this. The resentment will always be there plus, he will know he can do what the fuck he likes with zero consequences.

He needs to go.

I hope your DD is able to make a good recovery. He doesn’t deserve any of you.

I got in through a hole in the fence but that was in 2004 no way you get away with that now.

I think we to put the autism thing to bed. He's not diagnosed. And i don't think it excuses it anyway. We're all ND in this house so I do understand where people are coming from but he knows his daughter is unwell so it doesn't matter what OP said or how he interpreted that.

He knows his daughter is really struggling but his first thought is 'my fun', not 'I need to be there for my daughter'.He shouldn't need told. He is incapable of putting his daughter or his wife, first. Autism or not. There's no excuse.

I know I'd be looking at him, seething, thinking 'What is the fucking point of you.'

That’s horrible for your DD, her dad doesn’t give a shit about her and is letting her mum down to boot.

He's an absolute shit bag but:
Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go

Why did you say it in a jokey way and say "yes, go if you want". That's all he will have heard and now, as far as he's concerned, you said he could go.
I would have just told him, no, it's not possible. You need to be here to support your DD and the rest of your family because x,y and z will need to be done.

Fucking prick. When he gets back you tell him what's going to happen, what he's going to have to do, such as taking your DD to hospital, taking on more chores at home while you are at hospital with her. Do not say anything like "go if you want" because pricks like that will just use that as a way to do exactly what they want. He's got no fucking conscience at all so no point appealing to it.

I'm really annoyed about this because my friend's daughter is also currently struggling with an eating disorder and is in and out of the hospital so I know from her how draining it is. It's an absolutely awful thing and it needs the whole family to pull together. And no, my friend's husband is not fucking off to the equivalent of Glastonbury where we live, he's doing everything he can to support his family.

@ThatDeepGoose Don't blame women for men's bad behaviour as your kneejerk first reaction. Next you'll be saying it's his mum's fault! He's a bad father and bad partner, that's not on OP.

Can you imagine one of us mums doing that? No, but I can't imagine my husband, father or brother doing this either. And if my husband had suggested he might go anyway, I'd have told him exactly what I thought of that idea.

Miffed?! MIFFED?! I would be incandescent. You'd have to scrape me off the ceiling I'd have exploded with such force.

If you can't show him the consequences for you, do it for your daughters. Show them that this is not how they should expect to be treated. Show your daughter, that when she is vulnerable and ill she is the priority. This isn't a minor bump or scrape - she is seriously, critically ill and if he doesn't prioritise that he doesn't deserve any of you.

If your older kids are in their 20s, I'd be honest with them - they are adults and probably having their own relationships. You don't need to bad mouth their dad - you can just say exactly what happened and that it's unacceptable, and that their sister (and all of you) deserves better.

Best of luck with your wee girl OP, you must be worried sick. Hope this weekend goes well for her and she doesn't end up admitted.

She can’t do that as someone has to care for her dd and useless fucking shitbag ‘I don’t have time to drive you to the hospital’ won’t.
but I like the idea of giving him a roster of dinner to shop and cook for, lifts to give, appts to attend, hours to be home actively parenting, on it for each day put as an action actively show your children you give a shit about them like a parent should (hint fucking off to a festival when your child is unwell is the opposite- it’s actively showing your child you give not a single shit about them.) and also support your children’s mother to care for the children with practical help and kindness.

if he is autistic, you’ve written it out on the list for him. If he says he doesn’t have time you say you magically had days to go to a festival, if you care for your children even a tiny bit make time. The list is all your tasks, it is not optional.

- Why aren't you angry?

• Your only mistake was in joking about it when he asked. "No, dd is in hospital, we have another child, I would like you around supporting us all at this time."
• Many autistic people are very capable of empathy. Your h is a dick and there's no excuse.

What I'm finding hard reading through all this is how well he has trained you to put him first and expect so little from him. You are worried about being petty so try not to show normal reactions. You make a sarcastic or actually from a place of pain 'do what you want comment' and somehow it's permission to go. The end result is you are always in the wrong. You can't be honest on the family chat because why? It might make him look bad? Might show your struggling daughter what standing up for yourself really looks like? You are carrying the whole burden of the family and this pathetic man child and need to stop. He left your 16 year old at home whilst gus distressed wife was in hospital with seriously ill daughter. Lied about having tickets and went to a festival as if he's the 16 year old. Call his behaviour out and give your children a lesson in boundaries.

You knew he’d go. This is who he is.
Look after your daughter, don’t expend energy on auditing what you already know about your husband.

Are you sure the friend didn’t actually have tickets and it was a little more planned then your DH has made it seem?

So this prince of a man has at least 4 dc?

OP please, if you haven't already, explain to them - as tactfully as necessary - what real responsibility looks like and encourage them not to use their dad as an example of how to be.

Maybe he’s just plain selfish

Stop hoping that he will turn into a kind empathic person, stop trying to explain yourself to him or reason with him, it will all be water off a ducks back.
He is like this because his life is much easier if he doesn't have to think about other people's wants and feelings.
I find the best solution is to treat them exactly as they treat you, i.e show him the same lack of empathy and concern that he shows you.

This is not how men like him work. The kind of man who would fuck off like this. He'll see it as 'permission.'

What you now know, though, is that you can't count on him. It's useful information and allows you to plan accordingly.

Two things are amazing me: firstly that he's gone when his DD is in hospital and you and the rest of the family really need him, secondly that you told him he could go. Perhaps because you said he could go he didn't realise how serious it is? That's the only redeeming thing I can think for him. But he's a bellend and I'd be furious with him.

Some men are interested in having children because they genuinely want to be parents.
Other men are interested in having children because children will occupy the woman's time and attention allowing him to focus on working everything to his advantage. Because he will be much less emotionally attached to the children than she is they become a useful tool with which he can control her. If the child is suffering she will be much more upset and stressed than he is. That makes her vulnerable and easy to manipulate.
It's all about working things to his advantage, making sure that she is the one who makes the sacrifices, does the stressful, unpaid, difficult work whilst he takes the credit for being the man of the House.

If you even suspect autism - treat him like he has one.
Can I go? NO. Your child needs to see you care about her health.

Give clear and specific instructions or he will not be able to follow. Tbh most men benefit from toddler talk 🫠
Yes some are better at reading between the lines but even them would not mind clear direction and specification.

And I am so sorry for your DD.
Family situation can trigger a lot and having dad fucking off is not excusable. In the best possible way, get him in line if you want DD to recover. He needs to put himself second to help her through now.
I am a bit surprised you are discussing how he may react to your wa messages in chat while he is not there holding her hand.
I'd come on that as a shitton of bricks.

Good luck, it is not easy but be fierce for your child ❤️