WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

I am convinced he had a ticket already, didn’t want to waste c£400.

What a selfish manchild he is.

I’d get your DD stable and then start planning to leave.

I know two people who got in yesterday without tickets, who feel they have scored a major victory. There are ways of getting in but they aren’t free - they each paid £200 for the pleasure. Both over 60, aren’t we mad, types.
He is a disgrace. He knows it’s wrong but he doesn’t care about OP or his own children.
I love music but, to be quite frank, there isn’t much on this year of note. Unless he’s a die hard Rod Stewart fan? Can just imagine him now waiting for The Prodigy to come on….
If you stay with this man, you are living half a life.

Who got the money?

He is a twat and you shouldn't have said he could go if he wants. That's on him though. I could never be married to someone like that. He is idk inducing

Yes, absolutely everything is the OPs fault. 🙄

Post a “Meanwhile, in real life …” message. You can be autistic and a vile self-centred individual, it is not an excuse. Hope you have some support and cna find a way put of this situation.

Exactly this. Usually no stress until kids come along and then you realuse you made the wrong choice and your options are extremely limited.

OP I've only read your posts but just want to say i'm sorry he's such a twat. I'm sort of gobsmaced not just by the selfishness, but the total lack of comms. I'm trying to imagine a situation where even if DH had tickets to an event like this and we didn't have a sick child, he would leave without sending me a messaging say, "I'm off now - have a great weekend". etc. I mean, we'r enot obsessive texters, but that sort of basic update is normal surely? x1000 when a) he didn't have a ticket b) he has a sick child c) it hadn't been definitvely decided he was going.

I honestly think that if you came close to leaving him before, perhaps it's time to realise you tried really hard but it's not going to work. Your story about the hospital is familiar too - did you post that at the time?

This, it’s nigh on impossible now to get into Glastonbury.

I can’t imagine leaving my child when they’re so ill, and everyone is exhausted from a hospital stay.

also the op didn’t tell him to go, she let him make the choice, there’s a huge difference. He always had agency and made a very poor and incredibly selfish choice.

I would send him a direct message, not on the family chat, saying considering his daughter is going through a really hard time he might want to hold off on posting pics of his jolly right now. Stupid, selfish man.

Your husband is an absolute twat. I could understand it a little better if he actually had a ticket and had been looking forward to it for ages, but just rocking up on the off chance when his daughter is in hospital and he has another child at home is just a complete abdication of his family responsibilities.

I'd also want to know how much family money he spent on buying a last minute ticket from a tout.

I don't agree at all with the posts saying that it is the OP's fault for 'telling him he could go'. The tone of some of these is really unpleasant towards someone who has a very sick DD to worry about.

I don't think her posts read at all as if she was giving him permission to go...at most the OP's response may have been slightly awkwardly worded, understandable given she was preoccupied with her DD. Her posts read as if she is already inured to her 'D'H's behaviour and has learned from experience to set the bar very low for him (his latest behaviour being just a new low). Even stating she is 'miffed' in the thread title is revealing; rather than a word like 'livid' or 'heartbroken'?

And all men are not like this btw. When my son was taken ill in hospital my DH rushed there and never left his side. He cancelled a planned night out with friends straightaway and without feeling the need to consult with me first. That is the norm for how all parents (fathers as well as mothers) behave in a crisis surely? Does the OP's 'D'H really need to be told how to care for his own DD?

I would "accidentally on purpose " put something on the family WhatsApp in a way that makes it obvious you have posted on the wrong chat that let's everyone know that he's a selfish knob and who in their right mind leaves a seriously ill child behind.
Wait until all the family have read it then say "oops , wrong chat sorry that was meant to be for Bellend ".

Having read the updates I’m team he already had a ticket. If he’s officially bought it or managed do snaffle a second one from his friends I don’t know, but I’m adamant he pre bought one.

I just wanted to add my DH has autism. He struggles quite badly. Didn’t talk until he was 8, went to a specialist school etc. He wouldn’t do what your DH has done. Autism isn’t an excuse to be a cunt.

This is the end of your relationship.

Also, you need to get better support for your daughter’s eating disorder. CAHMS & the NHS won’t cut it. She needs specialist help at a specialist treatment centre.

I think you understand how serious this is - but your autistic husband does not - or simply doesn’t care.

You need to find a private placement for your daughter. Your autistic husband can pay for it.

My husband used to work on the gates at Glastonbury and without a ticket you will 100% not get in by legitimate means. They have loads of security and even in the unlikely event he does somehow get in, if he's caught without a wrist tag he will be ejected. I used to live and work nearby and the hoards of people milling about outside cos they didn't have tickets and thought they could just walk in or talk their way in or bribe someone, it just doesn't happen, not even minor celebrities cannot get in without a ticket as Alfie Allen found out when up against my husband.

He's a cunt.

It's the icing on the cake, the straw that broke the camels back.

What on EARTH?? AND THE BOASTING?!?! Oh, no. No, no, no. I am fuming on your behalf and would absolutely LTB. The audacity?!

I hope your DD makes a full recovery. ED's are terrifying, and I'm sorry she's going through it. And you - be kind to yourself too

OP, I've read most of your comments. YANBU. Your DH sounds like a selfish prick who's never grown up. Time to think seriously if you want him around. Hope your daughter is ok and you have some actual adults around to support you. He's using all the age old tactics to absolve himself from any family responsibility. I'm a single mum...it's great to have the peace of not dealing with immaturity.

Putting aside any (unofficial) diagnosis, the behaviour of this man - that he has chosen to go away to a music festival while his daughter is in hospital with an ED - is extremely concerning.

I've read all OP's comments, and perhaps I've missed it, but I've not seen where the husband has directly been told that he has done a completely thoughtless thing. There are quite a few posts from other PPs about how he should know, etc etc, and, yes, in an ideal world one would not need to spell this out. But, if he is on the autism spectrum - rather than using this putative diagnosis as some kind of excuse/explanation as to why he is being selfish or to even avoid confronting him - please instead communicate to him directly what he is doing wrong. Do not cut him any slack. Tell him. Then you can be in no doubt. And neither can he.

And if he is not on the spectrum he still needs to be told directly. Wish washy communication will not do.

Stop being the competent adult, OP. He needs to step up and support you. He's in his 50s, for goodness sake! Is this man an asset or a liability?

You lose nothing but deadwood if you are up front. So what would be the harm in messaging something along the lines of the following?

eg. [Husband name] I have had some time to reflect, and I am absolutely furious/ beyond disappointed that you chose to go away to Glasto while our daughter is in hospital with a very serious psychiatric condition. This behaviour makes me wonder if you care about her, or about supporting me. You should not have gone to the festival. When you get home we need to have a serious discussion about the future of our marriage.

His response - if it is anything other than horrified at his behaviour, remorseful, and indicating that he's on the next mode of public transport back to you - will tell you all you need to know.

Edited - typos.

I’m autistic. DH is autistic. Neither of us would ever let the other down like this.

He wants you to dump him.

You told him he could go. If he's a bit concrete with his asd, I'm not sure what you expected.

Of course he shouldn't have gone but in his mind he checked with you and you said he could go if he wanted. If you didn't want him to go you should have said that. You really can't blame him.

I truly hope your daughter inproves EDs are horrific.

I wanted to add: I send my best wishes for your daughter.

Whilst you tinker around the edges of your dh’s monstrous decision making, and his total indifference, it’s worth looking into the future.

Your dh will ‘get away’ with this no doubt, he has been playing you for a fool long enough to know that. You will remain in denial about how bad things have become, numb to his insidious neglect. You will slowly die on the inside, your soul giving up hope of ever having a better life. You will develop depression and anxiety, a deep seated misery will set in. You will no doubt have lost all of your self respect and confidence so even if you wanted to you - you can’t leave.

By now assuming your dd recovers, she will be in therapy and realise you have enabled the neglect. Not once did you prioritise the damage being done to the dc throughout your lives, instead choosing to look the other way. She might find it very hard to even look at you at this point.

Meanwhile he’ll be doing exactly what he wants, in the way he chooses. You life will lie in tatters and any chance of breaking free long gone.

I am sad for you op, amongst the minimising and humour there has to be a part of you that sees that you and your dd deserve far far better.

How awful dd must feel knowing her dad cares so little as she starves in a hospital bed that he went to a festival. Rather than taking the time to hold her hand, and reassure her and give you the break you need,

Find the strength to make this your red line. For your dd if nothing else. She is learning too much from this toxic dysfunction and it will lead to a life time of misery for her too. Kick him out. Once and for all.