I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

[Strugglingsoul19]

Hi
I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now.

I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC.
prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else.
me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years.
I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP.
financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue.
I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self.
I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others.
im completely stuck.

I would just say something like "thank you for your concern. I will let you know if I need any help or advice." then carry on as you are.

WOW. They’ve now provided you with the perfect time to really change the dynamic of this relationship

“Hi MIL

i do really appreciate that this was going to be upsetting for you all and I understand that it’s come as a shock. It came as a shock to me too, so I’m going to try not to take offence to that suggestion and move on from it.

Your relationship with the children is so important to me and I hope that by remaining close you will be able to help them remember their dad and always feel close to him through you.

But I think that message has made me realise that we perhaps need some boundaries in place going forward as while in understand your anxiety, it’s not your place to tell me what I can and can’t do in my own home. You will always be my family and I appreciate your support over the past two years but now as I’m rebuilding and starting to feel stronger I think it’s important that you understand that I am perfectly capable of making any decisions that are in my and children’s best interest.’

Personally, I think thats far too polite considering they've just accused her of cheating, and will just invite more of the same.

I'd be going for something more along the lines of

"I was informing you as a courtesy, not inviting your opinion. I don't appreciate you implying that I cheated, and would suggest that if you want any further relationship with me or my family, you get on board with the situation."

These people have no hold over you @Strugglingsoul19 , not unless you let them.

Edit: scratch that, the one directly above mine is far better.

Your PIL response makes me feel sad. Sad because they are focusing on their own needs and feelings and not on their grandchildrens. Sad because they don't have the emotional intelligence to realise that it's inappropriate to dictate to any adult. I understand they must be deeply traumatized by their sons death and perhaps worried that they may loose their grandchildren but they are so wrong to try and lay down the law. The comments about night shifts are appalling.Many years ago one of my siblings died unexpectedly and after a little while I remember my mother saying she wished their partner could find someone to love and someone to love them because everyone deserved happiness. You deserve happiness OP don't forget that.

The reality of those night shifts was because I was trying to keep a roof over our kids heads because if it was left to their son we would of lost our house but they won’t hear any of it. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember ! Me and DH were together twice and the reason we split inbetween was because he was warned I was not the person for him and he needed someone who wasn’t after their money and also he got me pregnant which was a huge disappointment to them. But the reality is they had high expectations for their children and neither ended up in a good place !

Too polite? I don't think so. They want an argument. I would smile nicely, ignore them and give them no ammunition to badmouth me. It's none of their business and I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of thinking I felt they deserved any response other than bland politeness.

Your H emotionally abused you, he died but it sounds like you are still living life as if he is still emotionally abusing you. He made you doubt yourself, manipulated you so he could control you.
You are free now to live life on your terms, if people criticise your decisions or judge you harshly, you have to learn to not let it control how you live or your decisions.
No one has the right to control you or your life, you have the right to be happy and it’s been two years since your H died.

I would be tempted to reply "I did not cheat on my husband, I was working night shifts to try keep a roof over the children's heads while your son was busy... (I'm not sure what, sorry OP if you've said). The children are happiest at home with me."

So rude to say you were cheating!

I agree with the others posters. How you love your life with your children is your own business. I am sorry that they are making false accusations too. It is a privilege to be a grandparent but it is not a right.

I completely agree, I can’t believe people actually think they can dictate someone’s life! What is the OP supposed to do!? Stay single forever! They are seriously CFs!

Sorry I was replying and I unfortunately did not reply politely.

Dear Jane,

I am not going to grace your suggestion that I was having an affair while working nights to support my family alone with a response.

You are massively overstepping your role as a grandparent in the rest of the comments in your message. It really is not your place to try to dictate to me who I have a relationship with, what that relationship looks like or who I allow into my home.

I understand that it is difficult for you to see me moving on with my life but I will not stand for being treated in this way. In the interests of cordial family relationships I am happy to pretend you did not send me any of that.

Have a lovely weekend,
Sophie

Good for you. I’m fuming on your behalf

Oh 😆

Well, never mind OP. I'm sure they have the hides of rhinos so you may well need to be rather impolite for them to get the message.

Nice to have read the thread in one go and seen you go from kind of cowering to more confident in yourself. Remember that your in laws don't have any form of authority over you. They can throw their toys out of the pram all they like, you don't have to pay it any mind.

They don’t deserve a polite reply, you have been through hell and back, two years after your DH suicide, you tell them you are seeing someone, a person your DC trust as they have known him all their lives. How dare they try to lay down rules for you to live by in your own home.

well, what an utterly toxic and nasty reply, i think i'd rather be on the dole then have them babysit, who knows what nasties she'd be whispering into their little ears at bedtime.
And how about the fact they want all of the children to miss out on a father figure and spend their entire childhood mourning and longing for a father, so to MIL can console them and remind them what an amazing person he was.

So delusional on her behalf, time to tell her that as a matter of fact, it's been two years, and when you were working was actually working, and this relationship came after his passing. If the children desire a father figure in the future you will not stop that, their father will never be forgotten.

And the new family home is not the one you shared with her son so it's your house, your rules.
yuk, i'm angry for you, time to distance yourself but i guess you are used to her toxicity

Good! I was just about to reply that my response would be "how dare you speak to me like that! How dare you imply that I had an affair, and how dare you attempt to dictate how the children and i live our lives".

She is toxic. You need strong boundaries now, and don't back down. You deserve your happy life.

how dare you ! Do you know how hard I worked to keep this family together. You absolutely know exactly what happened towards the end and you think it is appropriate to put “ Lola “ and adores his children in the same sentence. He admitted everything to you and you know the reason Lola would not have known her father whether he was around or not.
I don’t put blame on you for any of it and have not at all pushed any of you out of the children’s life despite how hard it watching people dote on him about how an incredible man he was. “ falling off the rails “ and addiction as you claim was never an excuse to what he did to us.
for now I think it’s best we stay away from one another until you can understand that it was never me that was the reason but his own actions that meant he saw no other way out.

I know parents think the sun shines out of their kids a ( not sure if we can swear on here ) but you are are deluded

” josh is far safer to be around the children than “ jake “had been in years and that’s what your really afraid of !

OP I'm so impressed by the change in a couple days from considering everyone before yourself, to standing up to them like that.

I’m glad you’re being firm. ‘The family home’ indeed! They mean YOUR home which they have no rights to dictate over.

It’s “ Lola “😭😭 the bringin up “ Lola “
I am still a mess but they have no right to use her name in the same setenve as he adored his children.

Well done op. I think this pregnancy surprise has actually given you the push you needed to stop letting your in-laws trample over your boundaries and controlling how you live your life.

It's unforgivable that they should imply your late dh's delusions were correct and you were unfaithful, implying therefore that you had a hand in his decision to end his life. And it's ridiculous that they are in any way trying to dictate how you live your life and conduct your relationship with your partner.

If you want this baby in any way in your heart, please don’t get rid of it just because of what your ex in law might think.

I don’t think you are seeing this clearly but it’s your feelings that matter not your late husbands parents

You @Strugglingsoul19 sound strong, you’ve come so far in two years, your DC (stepson included in DC) have a great mum, you’ve helped them through a traumatic time in their lives, moved house and still standing strong. Your man has been there for all of you too and he’s already part of the family in your DC’s eyes. You all deserve to move on and be happy. X

I’m not doing it anymore, I can’t. He blamed his upbringing for everything.
nothing was ever his fault. I know they blame me because someone always needs someone to blame and I was leaving with the kids and they think that’s the reason why it happened.
there is not a day that goes by that I don’t blame myself in some way but I also know that I couldn’t of stayed I just needed to stay longer to sort DSS.