I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

[Strugglingsoul19]

Hi
I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now.

I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC.
prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else.
me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years.
I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP.
financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue.
I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self.
I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others.
im completely stuck.

It’s okay I know they will forever try to protect him. I know what happened and “ sick “ or not. I always remind my self that just like I tried to protect my kids that’s their natural instinct to protect him.
I don’t think it’s right but I sort of accepted that as something they couldn’t control.

Nothing else has been said and I have left it Iike that.

I Think it just hurt the most when they added “ lola “ in to that. They know “ Lola” was a product of his behaviour - not that it’s Lola’s fault at all and please do not take it that way she is very much loved and we wouldn’t be without her !

Yes, I'd need a frank discussion with the MIL about it all. You've given her too much over the years, and now she thinks she has an actual say in how you raise your kids and who you want to bring into your life.

it's great she wants to be involved, but I'd make it very clear it's on your terms.

@Strugglingsoul19 I've read all your posts and on behalf of all decent grandparents I just want to say you rock, and I'm so happy for you that you've found happiness with a good man and congratulations on your pregnancy. 🥰

They, in reality, have no rights to muscle in on any of it.

I have just read all your posts, and I think you said like an incredibly brave women and an amazing mother. I hope you feel really proud of sticking up for yourself and your family, OP. Xxx

Oh @Strugglingsoul19, I get why you’re upset about ‘Lola’ being mentioned, that was below the belt! It’s different for them, of course they can’t move on from their son’s death but they have no right to dictate or stand in your way of moving on. They need to acknowledge that and also realise, the more they deflect the blame onto you and make it as awkward as possible, they need some sort of relationship in order to see the children regularly. Right this minute, they sound like they could try to poison the kids against you and your man, especially once they know you’re pregnant. There are no sides to pick, nor is it a competition but if they try to use the children against you, then they are unlikely to see much of them.

@Strugglingsoul19 they don't deserve you. If I'm correct in my interpretation of what you have said then no he did not make a mistake! He made a deliberate choice and addiction or under the influence doesn't excuse it or make it correct. Nor does you being in a couple make it ok or acceptable to force yourself onto your wife.

His mother is a POS! I do not give one fuck that she is hurt or grieving, how can any woman try to make excuses for that even from a son it's unforgivable.

If this is their attitudes then really I think your beautiful children are better with reduced contact. Tell her to take her opinions elsewhere to the same place as her accusations to the far end of fuck off and to keep going some more, the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

You are not to blame for any of his action, not his addiction, not what he did to you, not one shred of his abuse or control or paranoia did you ask for or deserve. His death is not your fault.

He made his choices, sure some might have been mistakes, people do make mistakes but it's their behaviour afterwards that let's you know if it was a genuine mistake or if it was a choice. I suspect with your late husband it was the latter.

You're a damn good mother, you were leaving to protect your children. Do not let your in-laws dim your light like your late husband did.

I know deep down none of it was my fault apart from maybe now seeing the severity of the escalation before it escalated beyond repair.
everyone tried to help him and I chose to give him the chance.
when I had made the decision to leave ( didn’t know I was pregnant at the time ) it was a difficult one I could not just up and leave with DSS. So I had to do it in a smart and calculated way. I did not find out I was pregnant until I was 18 weeks and then they caused another escalation which I then called for help.

up to those 2 incidences he had never laid a finger on me although in hindsight his behaviour had been escalating for a while I thought maybe we could help him, we couldn’t … no one could.

today has been a long day I knew my actions when sending that reply would cause arguments but I was angry and that’s exactly what it has done. A lot of things I suppose both sides maybe have wanted to say for a long time has been blurted out.

maybe it’s what has been needed rather than glossing over it including them some of the things are hurtful things about me not attending his funeral
things like that.

in terms of the incident it was not a clear case of that he “ assaulted me “ and I suppose even on here a lot of people would say “ you didn’t need back down and agree “ it although was manipulation not assault. - I disagree but it’s been a difficult one to process.

F* them, this must be a tiring stressful day but in the long run this needed to happen for you to sever the last of the control your EXDH had on you through his family

I think maybe if we good for them to get their anger even if it’s misplaced out ? It’s all clearly been on the surface for a while?

my only problem now is my parents are angry and as much I’m a grown women with kids I’m still their kid 🙈

If i was your mother I would be extremely pissed off and upset at all you have been put through by this man and now his family thinking they can dictate your life and that of your kids.

Grandparents or not, they are CF's whom have massively over stepped and need putting firmly in their place.

Yes my family are very good, the night I called for help I genuinely thought my dad was going to kill him. they have a lot of anger and they sort of suck it up because I am cautious of rocking the boats but I don’t think they are very happy right now and it’s getting harder to keep the peace between all.

they have the kids tonight though ( very rare in case someone thingks I palm them off ) but because I really don’t like them seeing me upset and they just see it as a sleepover at nanny’s.

All I can say to anyone reading is that coercive abuse does exist and it will escalate and despite any reason or cause ( mental health issue , substance abuse ) put your self first and don’t risk trying to solve it - that was my biggest mistake and I nearly left my children with no one trying to be understanding.
leave - it won’t get better !

Absolutely agree, every word. As my therapist repeated, time and time again, you cannot fix it. You have to save yourself first.

Coercive control is terrifying, because it is often hidden, and we down play stuff, cover for them, and eventually it just becomes our normal.

You must put yourself first now. Your job is not to keep his parents happy, keep your boundaries strong and enjoy your freedom.

I just hope so much more will be done in the future I was lucky and the thing I’m most thankful for was that I managed to escape before he took me or/ and the children with him.

my parents think I need to go no contact with the Other side and the children but I don’t know if that’s fair or if boundaries would work.

Sorry I realise this thread completely derailed from what the original point was !!!

but this has been the most I have spoken about it since and it’s helping 🙈

Your thread, so take it in any direction you want to 😉

OP,
I think space would be a really good idea.
Space for you to decide how much involvement you really want with these people.

Their son's actions combined with their actions mean they really are entitled to only what you want.

They need to realise that.
They sound enormously controlling.
I wouldn't want my children around them un supervised.

Take space and take your time to decide what is best for you as a family unit, separately from them.

My experience is that, if you go low contact, with strong boundaries and about no emotional reaction, they get bored anyway.

They can’t take me to court in the uk for my biological children though can they ?

@Strugglingsoul19 I think you may be in shock. It sounds like you are very happy and grief does have a way of uniting people as well. You sound likena wonderful mum in luring to step son. Your in law family need to get kn board or risk losing you altogether. Time to set some boundaries with them not to keep popping round uninvited and dictate what happens. You have one life be happy 😊 talk to your chap and see what he says but don't rush into anything. Hugs and I hope it works out for you.

Absolutely not!
And if they took you to court for your DSS I think they'd get absolutely nowhere.
Please don't fear them, @Strugglingsoul19 . You sound like an amazing mum to ALL the children.

I don’t think it’s fair to keep bringing up your issues with “Jake” especially since he’s no longer here to defend himself. Whatever happened between you and him wasn’t related to the way he parented, and it’s not right to discuss it every time the situation comes up. Yes, “Jake” had his struggles we all experienced that—but the family has always supported the children. You mentioned that we know exactly what happened because George told us, but what you’re suggesting goes beyond what he admitted. He only acknowledged locking the door. Since he’s not able to respond I think it would be best to let this matter rest.

You really have been through the ringer with him seeing as he put you all in such jeopardy. I'm sorry you went through that but glad to see that you are happy, strong, sane and thriving now. You should be proud of yourself and your family.

Well that's some major gaslighting as your lived experience is a fact and not a figment of your imagination, as you are a trustworthy person. Similar to the affair suggestion while you were at work. However maybe making things up is what they all do and thus normal for them.

Also, the past does need to be talked about bc it's bleeding into present issues. They want you to live in the past by not moving on, but then don't want you to talk about it.

@Strugglingsoul19 OP, I think you may have accidently left a real name in your post? Just in case you want to edit it. Or I might be confused - sorry if so