I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

[Strugglingsoul19]

Hi
I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now.

I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC.
prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else.
me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years.
I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP.
financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue.
I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self.
I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others.
im completely stuck.

They have absolutely no right to dictate this to you. The insurance went to you, your late husbands assets went to you (as they should) it is up to you what you do with it and FWIW, I think buying a new house and being mortgage free is very sensible and it benefits all of your children, including your step son. It’s not as if you blew all the money and then proceeded to neglect your children!

You need firmer boundaries with these people. They have no right to dictate. You are step son’s legal guardian.

I truly hope you find the strength to put them in their place at some point. They have a lot of opinions and you are well within your right to tell them you don’t want to hear their opinions, you want them to see your children, but they are grandparents and don’t get any input and it’s time for them to take a step back as you start rebuilding your life without your DH. You were his wife and you are their mother and you get to decide all of these things. Well done on starting that process and congratulations on your pregnancy!

They can believe what they want about the house and the money, they can also believe that pigs can fly, doesn't mean they are right.

I know you are carrying guilt from your DHs death but it was not your fault and his parents have no right to dictate how you live. You are beyond within your rights to tell them what's what and that their bonkers input is not needed.

Please please be firmer with them and create some more boundaries in your life.

I think your letter sounds perfect.

I also think that in your heart of hearts you are leaning towards having the baby. I world not judge you at all if you didn't, but it has to be what really want. The right to choose includes the right to choose to keep the baby, and babies have been born into much worse situations and thrived.

Just wondering, do your late DP's parents like "Josh"? If so, it might be helpful if you went to see them together some time. Depending on exactly what they're like, seeing that he's happy and genuinely wants to support you all (not necessarily financially), including DSS, might help them come to terms with it all.

It doesn't really matter what they think should happen to the money, etc.; it's what legally has to happen to it. After that, it's down to you.

Your relationship will, of course, cause some ears to be pricked up, due to the dynamic previously. That was always going to happen, 2 years or 10 down the line.

I think maybe this may all be positive, it gives me a chance now to really stand up for us all.

the children have in my option a wonderful life, they have been through a significant trauma and it has not always been easy.

we have a lovely home, horses which they love ( we have always had horses ) they go to good schools and have supportive family and friends. I work 7 nights on and 14 nights off with a “ good “ income but maybe not by mumsnet standards 😂
with additional income from lessons

on a day to day basis they don’t have a care in the world and I think it’s time to realise that we don’t need them - we obviously want them but it should be on our terms.

Being charitable, maybe they’re worried about their grandchild being pushed down the pecking order, and some reassurance that the recent changes do not change the fact that all your children, including him, will remain your priority as you love them all

I wanted to say thank you for everyone’s kind words.
I do feel better today and relieved that at least that part is out.
I have to say it’s my youngest daughters bbq on Sunday - might be slightly awkward seen as “ Josh “is doing the actually bbq 😂
Which also reminded me I should probably fill my mum in to or she is going to be “ have I missed a few chapters here “ 🙈😂

thank you all so much ❤️

I text my mum 🤣 and you were right everyone knew !!!!!

😂😂😂😂

All the people that care about you - your mum, friends etc, they all knew ages ago. They didn't care, just let you talk about it when you were ready.

You have an amazing support system, boyfriend sounds supportive, 3 amazing kids and another on the way. You have so much joy in your life don't let the negativity of your ex-in-laws bring that joy down. Like you said they want you to fail and give them your step son. They're always going to nitpick. Ignore them.

Well you are the legal guardian of all of your children, they have no say in any matter, I think maybe you have given the family too much air time, it is your life, your children, they are happy and coming to no harm, maybe after the tragedy of two years ago you needed them and their input, but now you are moving on, are capable of making decisions and it's time to distance their input.

They may be shocked at first when you tell them thanks for your in put but now please drop it. No more just breezing over you, at least now openly you will have the support of your man to back you up, whereas before maybe you felt a bit powerless against them.
Of course they are family and will be in the childrens lives, but must have clear boundaries, good luck to you, and I hope you keep us all posted about your amazing future

I forgot my dad has to drive past my house after his shift at 2 am 😭😭😭😭😭😂😂😂😂😂

I wouldn’t terminate for these reasons. Imagine if you and the new partner stay together for years or forever, and you’ve terminated your baby?

Don’t have an abortion for this reason. What happened to your DP is very sad, but you have a right to rebuild your life and his family don’t have a right to expect you to live in perpetual widowhood.

I wouldn’t terminate for these reasons. Imagine if you and the new partner stay together for years or forever, and you’ve terminated your baby?

Don’t have an abortion for this reason. What happened to your DP is very sad, but you have a right to rebuild your life and his family don’t have a right to expect you to live in perpetual widowhood.

Fabulous 😂😂😂😂

Live your life.
Continue to move forward.
Do not give your dead abusive husband's parents such agency over your life.

You have been through court.it has been agreed.
You have been respectful.
Time to step gently back, keep your plans and general business to yourself.

You have no need of their approval or opinions on your life going forward.

They need to be respectful of you or they will see a lot less of you.

This relationship seems far better for the DC than a relationship with a stranger.
I would imagine if your in laws are reasonable people they will prefer it to you being with someone unknown.
I'd decide based on what you will regret down the line and what you actually want rather than what you think other people may think.

@Strugglingsoul19I’m so pleased you have had good responses from your family and your best friend to the relationship. It was always going to be a harder sell for your in-laws but you don’t owe them a life of living in the shadow of what happened to you all. You and your children deserve continued love and happiness.

They can say all they want but they don’t have rights here beyond any grandparent.

So knew it was going to come eventually and she was processing what to say I have to re write it to change names

no names are the same

” Sophie “ I’m sorry I didn’t respond fully yesterday but this has taken us sometime to process and “ katie “ is very upset ( DH sister )
It all feels too soon, we know “Jake “ had his reservations surrounding where you were during night shifts during your relationship and this was a continuous cause of upset. “ katie “ is sad that he may have been right all along due to what seems to have been a quick moving on process with no other than his close friend.
we would like to be reassured that there is no plans for him to move in to the family home and be a parent to the children especially considering “ lola “ will have no memory of her father, this is out of respect for Jake who adored his children and we understand that you are entitled to a relationship but it should not involve the children and whether it be “ Josh “ or any other relationship be mindful of no one becoming an alternative father for them.
we also respectfully ask that “Josh” does not stay overnight in the house especially proving childcare now or in the future whilst you are at work.
we will be happy to have the children the weeks you work so this can be avoided.

What an unbelievably cheeky, controlling message.

Who on earth do they think they are?
The apple didn't fall far from the tree.
OP, take your time, think long and hard about your reply, if any.

They really think you are to be dictated to.
Extraordinarily presumptuous of them.

mainly the mum she has always been like this even with her actual children. Advising them all the time about their life choices and expectations she has of them.

You deserve to feel love and be loved @Strugglingsoul19 . Im sorry for your loss.

You have every right to a relationship with someone you love. You don’t have to carry guilt for moving on towards new happiness. It doesn’t diminish or change any love you had previously.

I wondered if counselling might help you.
if I knew you in real life and this came out into the light; I would be very happy for you and wish you all the best for your future; whatever that looked like, with whoever. As long as you were happy and there was love.

Sending you a hug over the internet 🩷

i will add - how you parent your children is your business and no one else gets a say in your future happiness apart from yourself. They might be blinded by grief and come back to you more kindly in time. You deserve happiness even if others aren’t ready to accept that yet.

xxx

Quite frankly it’s got absolutely nothing to do with them. You are entitled to live your life OP.
she sounds very controlling. I would start to distance myself from them as much as possible if it were me.

I mean I was expecting most of it apart from we will have the children on the weeks you work 😂 that’s 2 weeks out 4 !!!