I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

[Strugglingsoul19]

Hi
I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now.

I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC.
prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else.
me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years.
I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP.
financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue.
I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self.
I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others.
im completely stuck.

It can be hard to stand up for yourself, but once they bring someone else into it (especially your children!) it's so easy. They were stupid to go there.

I think this will all be for the best in the end and you can set boundaries with them. I really do wish you and your family the best, and I LOVE that your best friend and parents were quietly supporting you, and waiting until you were ready to talk about the relationship. That's so sweet.

Wow. Their comments insinuating an affair when you were working are infuriating. How horrible of them. I do know someone who married the best friend of her husband after he died, so you aren't alone. I also know widows who remarried and the step dad moved in and was embraced into the new family.

Yeah, these people and what they might think should not be controlling OP’s decision. This isn’t about what they want.

I have the best family, I am extremely lucky that I do. I know a lot of women who was in my position before the major incident do not have that luxery.
I will always be thankful for that.

Now I have renamed my youngest for the last 2 days she is starting to look like a Lola 😂😂😂

Sorry if I have missed it, who looks after DC when you are working?

That message from the in laws boils my blood and I’m just some stranger on the internet. How dare they!!!!

so controlling!!!

I work long nights 7 nights in a row and then off for 14 then on for 7.
my sister lives in the garden 😂 she moves in the house the nights I work. She doesn’t have to do much as they are all very good sleepers.
then youngest has a childminder during the day of my night shifts whilst the other are at school when I sleep.

You were leaving with the children because staying would have destroyed you, his suicide obviously makes you feel guilt but you know it wasn’t your fault. He was so fucked up in the end, he pushed you with his behaviour to leave and he chose to end his life. You didn’t end his life, He did.
It’s been two years, life goes on and you deserve all the happiness in the world, your children need to live and be happy too.

it works well for me because I’m then at home for 2 weeks a month to spend solid time with them. I leave around an hour before they do to sleep and I’m there to collect them from school on the weeks I do work.

It sounds ideal and you have your sister looking after them on the nights you work. Your family sounds very supportive and loving.

Who the actual flying fuck do these horrible cunts think they are?

None of this - literally NONE - is any of their business. They cannot tell you who to have a relationship with, or make any requests regarding who does and doesn’t stay in YOUR home with YOUR children (including your stepson who you clearly adore and are a wonderful mother to).

I’m honestly raging at the audacity of this woman. I would be inclined to speak to a solicitor at this point. They cannot possibly dictate to you who you date, when you date and who you, the parent, introduce to your children. So your former husband’s sister is upset - well, sorry, but so fucking what?? Being related to your late DH doesn’t mean any of these horrid people are allowed to control you. The children are yours, not theirs. Legally, grandparents don’t usually have any automatic right to even aee their grandchildren, let alone have a say in who their mother dates, where they go to school and what their routines are.

They’re basically harassing you. It’s horrendous and totally unacceptable.

You, by the way, sound utterly lovely, as does your new partner - and your mum and dad too. I wish you all the happiness in the world, especially with a new baby on the way.

That sounds a great system @Strugglingsoul19

Yes it is, one day my sister may want to move out but at the moment she is a broke strudent so it works 😂😂

It sounds like your future with your man, new baby and DC is going to be full of love and happiness. Well done on letting everyone know you are in a new relationship and ready to move on. X

All she’s replied is

He apologised over and over again for the mistake you were a couple and he wasn’t in the right frame of mind you know he loved you and the children and would not have done anything to hurt you intentionally when he was well.

we will speak at a more reasonable time

You are amazing strong lady op. Stand your ground here. You have so much love and support around you.

Just to say, you don't have to reply to her message at all 🙂 You asked her for space:

for now I think it’s best we stay away from one another until you can understand that it was never me that was the reason but his own actions that meant he saw no other way out.

You don't have to agree to her DEMAND that you will speak at a more reasonable time. You can just leave that as the last message between you for a while. No response is a response and all that.

No I’m not replying anymore
them mentioning “ Lola “ was a new low.
Lola - not her fault but was situation that gave me the courage to start my plan on leaving with the kids ( older 2 ) so the fact that they know what I went through and they used her in the same Sentence makes me feel sick.
as far as I’m concerned he is not her dad ( I know biologically he is )

OP, your message was perfect.
No further reply necessary.
Just space, lots of it.

So called supportive families can be toxic if they are bent on delusion and revisionism as to what happened.

I would be seriously concerned about them pourimg poison into your childrens ears.

Take space. They are unhealthy in their deluded state.

Limited supervised contact going forward would be the most I would consider going forward after an extended break.

Also a complete information diet regarding your future life and choices.
Nothing to do with them.

You have nothing to be guilty about.
FOG, fear, obligation and guilt remains after your abusive relationship.

You definitely deserve to shake off the shakles of it.
Your children are so lucky to have you.

I can think of so many worse scenarios than having a child with a good man who is already a strong support to your children and will be involved in your lives forever anyway.

Of course, you need to make your own choices, but this doesn’t sound at all like the catastrophe you are panicking it is.

He apologised over and over again for the mistake you were a couple and he wasn’t in the right frame of mind you know he loved you and the children and would not have done anything to hurt you intentionally when he was well.

Mil has twisted the truth! He may have apologised over and over again for hurting you and your children but apologies are worthless if you don’t have any intentions of changing. He obviously needed to seek professional help, his life was falling apart through his own actions, but instead, he opted out of life. The person he may of been in the past is irrelevant, it had no bearing on how he’d been at the time and he was intentionally hurting you all! She is glossing over everything in order to twist the knife in your back, you are moving on and she doesn’t like the fact she isn’t in control of you all.
No one can force anyone with addiction problems to change or seek help, no one has the power to stop someone from being abusive. The only thing you were in control of was your actions, to leave, in order to shield you and children from the abuse.
The awful truth is, your H didn’t put the love he had for you all first, he didn’t fight to get himself better in order to be the man he was before and do everything in his power to regain your trust in him in order to get his family back together! He selfishly took the cowards way out, intentionally trying to hurt and destroy his loved ones with grief and guilt by committing suicide.

So you and new partner are both happy about baby. He is good to your DC. 2 years is a long time to be alone. You don't have to tell dgp yet. Wait until you are further along. But if let them know you are now with new partner. It's your life and your baby. Don't let others influence your decision.

Have the beautiful baby that you are carrying and start your new life together. Stop hiding! Huge congratulations on the little one 😃

@Strugglingsoul19 I'm so proud of you, I wish you so much good luck in starting this new chapter of your life. You really deserve all the happiness in the world.