Children with a 52 yo?

[Parisiennelondres]

Hello all,

I would like to hear your thoughts on having children with an older man.

I am 35 and I have 1dd with DH, 50. My DH already has three older DDs, with his ex-wife, who is about my age.

I have always wanted two children and feel ready to have another, ideally for when my daughter is a toddler.

My DH loves having children and has been very good with our daughter (I understand he wasn't as hands on the first time round... I know this is not great but also somewhat typical...). But naturally he is a little anxious about his age - for some reason more than with our first daughter? I think he has maybe remembered / realised how exhausting newborns are - whereas I feel I have a lot of energy.

We love each other and have a very good relationship otherwise. Finances / childcare are not an issue, he is well-off and we both run our own businesses. So far we have agreed hypothetically that he would do more childcare while I focus more on my business (he can delegate more easily while I am still developing mine).

I know that it would have been more simple for me to date a man in their 30s..but honestly I was tired of men my age and we have been so happy together so quickly.

I feel like people are a bit judgemental in real life? Has anyone else had similar experiences?

Fwiw his daughters are totally beautiful, very well-raised, clever, articulate, polite etc, as is their mother, and they are close to him, I think we all get on even though this obviously has not been easy for them

My other concern is that my DH is a bit overweight / unfit, which doesn't hugely bother me, but might not be ideal for having young children

I’m 53 with a 12 and 14 year old, there’s no way I’d have the energy for a new born, toddler, pre-schooler. I think expecting him to do most of the childcare for a toddler when he’ll be mid 50s is a lot. You may find yourself back in the trenches and having to put your business aside - if you’re ok with that?

Dh and I had our last child (4th) when he was 58. He's a hands on dad and easily as active as a 40 year old still at 65. My daughters best friend lost her mum last year who was mid 30s... a long life isn't guaranteed for anyone so don't let fear hold you back.

Thank you! Sorry, I was a bit unclear. I should have said 'childcare' = more things like pick ups, drop offs, just a bit more household organisation and being 'around', because he can easily delegate with his business and is already very flexible with it, rather than feeds in the middle of the night. I was also thinking about having (potentially) a night nurse to help as a compromise between him being a bit older and me wanting to also work still.

I know it's not possible to have it all!

I am 53 and fit with zero health issues. No way could I handle a toddler.

I am very sceptical that he will do the childcare. 5 children is a LOT even for the wealthy.

Thank you! What is the age gap between you, if you don't mind me asking? Did he have any concerns about his age? Congratulations on your family

Does your DH want to parent teenagers again in his late 60s?

He already has one child born at age 50. You may as well have another one as they will be support for each other if they lose their father at a relatively young age. Harsh but true. My Dad died when I was 20 and I was glad my brother was around.

Yes, I think teens and young adults these days are very challenging. Much harder than when we were teens with mental health crises, the terrible economy, and they all stay at home way longer.

You happy for your child to be in Year 2 with a dad in early 60s?

your child to be heading to university with a dad who’s 80?

Thank you for this. Yes, I think the physicality of childcare is something that is a concern slightly. Having said that, my mother (60s) who is very fit is wonderful with looking after my DD including for longer periods, so I also think it is partly him being a bit unfit. But on the other side, he is much more patient than me, which I think comes partly with age (at least that was out conclusion / observation).

Thank you. Yes, we have to acknowledge these things.

We had our second when my DH was 53 and I was 44. It’s been completely fine, and my DH is much more hands on than many younger dads we know. He also does more of the childcare as my job is more demanding. We haven’t received any judgment (not to our faces anyway!) and it’s not that uncommon in our circles, a lot of older mothers and fathers. That said we’re friends with plenty of parents in their 30s through our kids, as we’re at similar life stages despite the age differences. Yes in an ideal world we both would have loved to have been 5 years younger when we had our kids but it didn’t work out that way. We had a night nurse with our first but my DH voluntarily did all the night feeds with our second as he had a long paternity leave the second time.

We have a 26 year age gap. After our 2nd was born 13 years ago he went through a stage of being really worried about his mortality but actually it inspired him to keep fit and healthy. He plays football with our 10 year old for hours, surfs with the older kids and even learnt to ride a motorbike when our oldest turned 16 and wanted a moped so they could go out together. He said the time wasted worrying about his death was pointless all he could do was focus on giving our kids a lasting memory of having a great dad.

Really unfair on the child in my opinion. You are thinking of what you want, but not them.

If you want to, and he wants to, then do it.

Plenty of people will reply to say ‘no way I could handle a toddler in my 50s/teenager in my 60s’, but the fact is, many families work out perfectly well in exactly this position.

No, no, no, no, NOT A CHANCE.

a baby with a 52 yr old, fine, a toddler with a 55yo fine, a primary school kid at 60, probably still fine.

but a teenager then uni in late 60s early 70s when all your peers (and especially if money is fine) are out cruising the world enjoying their retirement, would be utterly awful.

I would say there is zero chance of either of you, or the child; being happy with this decision in 15years time.

Will he be able to devote time to 5 children? Even the Beckhams appear to be struggling😂

Honestly OP to hell with people and their judgements - I’m sure your DH will cope fine with another at 52. And the type of people who judge believe me would also judge if your DH was 42, 32 or 22.

Thats my opinion, FWIW!!

I think unfortunately it’s the issue when you marry a much older man with multiple children already. It would be one thing if he had no children but he already has 4. Personally I wouldn’t .. also it’s not just old eggs that cause problems but old sperm ..

I think you should go for it! What's one more 😂. He's only in his early 50's. Plenty of time, and not really old.

What an odd response. Most people I know will have to (and often want to) work well into their sixties now regardless of kids ages. My parents are in their seventies and still working despite having kids in their twenties. Also, as I didn’t have kids until my forties I had a solid 20 years travelling the world before kids, and I’m still travelling with kids (obviously a different type of travel but we’ve been to over 20 countries with them and they are only 2 and 4 now). I’m definitely not hanging out for retirement and cruises.

The old sperm thing is worth considering, definitely. Higher risk of SN.

52 is fine OP but I totally agree with you on the weight argument. But that would be the same if it was a 22 year old you were talking about to be fair!

It isn’t about ‘judging’, it’s about having a practical insight and awareness of what life will be like, in the present and future.