Children with a 52 yo?

[Parisiennelondres]

Hello all,

I would like to hear your thoughts on having children with an older man.

I am 35 and I have 1dd with DH, 50. My DH already has three older DDs, with his ex-wife, who is about my age.

I have always wanted two children and feel ready to have another, ideally for when my daughter is a toddler.

My DH loves having children and has been very good with our daughter (I understand he wasn't as hands on the first time round... I know this is not great but also somewhat typical...). But naturally he is a little anxious about his age - for some reason more than with our first daughter? I think he has maybe remembered / realised how exhausting newborns are - whereas I feel I have a lot of energy.

We love each other and have a very good relationship otherwise. Finances / childcare are not an issue, he is well-off and we both run our own businesses. So far we have agreed hypothetically that he would do more childcare while I focus more on my business (he can delegate more easily while I am still developing mine).

I know that it would have been more simple for me to date a man in their 30s..but honestly I was tired of men my age and we have been so happy together so quickly.

I feel like people are a bit judgemental in real life? Has anyone else had similar experiences?

Madness to have a baby at 52. You are asking to ruin your life. Your dm is ‘great’ with your child but she isn’t doing it 24/7.
If you really want a baby then the childcare should be a nanny who could help out with a lot of the early years stuff.

She was quite young - mid 20s. I know how it sounds, but you don't choose who you fall in love with. I noted he was well-off because that does mean we can mitigate childcare challenges to an extent with a nanny, but I am also financially independent. Ideally he would be a bit fitter too, but that's life - I can't/ control him!

Yes, that's a possibility that I am thinking about. They have always had a v close relationship and he has always been there for them - hey come round to our house often (in addition to the official custody arrangements). He is very / has been involved with school, etc, I just mean I know he wasn't so good at the hands-on practical parenting. He was much better with our first daughter and he regrets not spending more time with his older girls

How old are his other children?

14, 12 and 9

Things don’t alway happen when timings would have been optimal and you will always get people that are over the top and appalled at other people’s situations but if he looks after himself and it feels right for the two of you then I don’t see why not. He’s hardly 80!!

I think the autism point is extremely relevant, and I would base any decisions you make on the assumption that they will be.
my ND dd is 16, utterly awesome but massively massively hard work. Every grey hair I have is due to her, and she takes up approx 2 hours every day of my life more than my NT DD. I cannot imagine looking after her if I was nearly 70.

I have changed my mind based on those ages. For some reason I thought they were grown. 14, 12 and 9 are no where near grown and alot of the hard stuff is still to come. Three children that age and a young child from a different family is a lot. I personally think, nothing to do with age, that he should concentrating on the four children he has rather than bringing any more into the world.

I think if you're purely thinking of the potential child, the risk of SN and inability to manage being hands-on, plus ages of existing 4 children, would tip me over into a No.

My DH was 43 and 44 when our two were born (age gap ) I was late 20s. He's very hands on and a dedicated dad. Not as old as your DH but still older. He's now in his 50s with adolescents and I'd say he's tired but no more so than me really. People occasionally mistake him for 'grandad' but I think it's more to do with the fact he's grey!

If you want 2 children, I'd go for it. But don't wait much longer.

I agree with this. I had assumed at the beginning his children were grown, and he knew what parenting a teenager could be like. But he doesn’t. I do note as well that nearly all the ‘it’s fine’ responses say they have young children. From experience I can confirm, that parenting under 12s is absolutely piss compared to parenting some teens.

Too many people do this, it's not fair on a child having older parents who are the age of other kids grandparents. The risks of health problems for the child increase as well, is that fair on them? Might offend some peeps but it is a fact of life some people don't want to face up to. It could happen at any age but older is riskier. Before anyone jumps on my case, I have 3 kids [adult] who are nd and I was 38 when the last was born.
Many 30 year olds will have young kids then having to deal with an elderly parent/s when they should be able to enjoy their young families

Been there is similar situation, bloody hard work.

No sure fire thing of living to 80 or beyond. Anyone could die at any time, not necessarily illness, but accidents, CVA, cardiac related we just don't know.
But it is your choice OP with your h, we can advise but can't make the decision for you.

@Parisiennelondres how much time does he have his other 3 children? Does he have time to split between 5 children with differing needs? Financing teens can be expensive, uni even more so. Does he pay his fair share for his first 3 children? Will he be reducing what he pays if you go for another child?

From you point of view absolutely

from the view of the potential child and your DH not a hope in hell

You'll get a lot of hate from the pearl clutchers here who had children in their 20s and are horrified by older parents.

We had dd2 when dh was 45. No regrets. Yes we have less energy than we would have had if we'd had our kids in our 20s, but we have more financial stability and maturity than we had in our 20s.

I really hate how these days anyone who disagrees with the OP is a
Hater!
Pearlclutcher!
Jealous!😂

I also came back to see if anybody would claim that a 25-year-old has the same chance of death or disease as a 52-year-old, and yes, someone has claimed that too. Only on MN.

@AntiHop he already has 4 children. Does he really need anymore at 52.

Until last year when he sustained a head injury which could have happened to anyone.

What’s his will like? How is the life insurance?

What’s his BMI?

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2019/apr/29/severely-obese-people-in-middle-age-50-more-likely-to-die-early-study-finds

Even the least obese, with a body mass index (BMI) of 30 to 35, had twice the risk of high blood pressure, nearly twice the risk of heart failure and nearly six times the risk of sleep apnoea of those with a healthy weight.

Make sure his wealth insulates you from as much risk as possible. Nannies etc.

Do you also think people with pre-existing health conditions (and therefore statistically likely to die earlier), obese people, disabled people, people on benefits etc shouldn’t have children? Yes, statistically a healthy 25 year old dad is going to live to see his children get older longer than a healthy 50 year old, but there are so many other factors at play in terms of what makes a ‘good’ parent. I also don’t agree that SN should be a major consideration - obviously there is a slightly higher risk of autism with older parents but genetic risk is far greater, same as with mental health conditions. So many things can go wrong with your child pre-birth or at any point down the line whether through inherited diseases, accidents or sheer bad luck so all potential parents should bear this in mind and decide whether they could cope with this before having children, not just older parents (although I imagine the reality is impossible to really comprehend unless you’ve actually been through it so maybe it’s a moot point).

He's too old, he's unfit and he has 4 young children already. Utter selfishness.

I am afraid I disagree with most of what you say, especially as the chances of autism are not ' slightly higher". It's a 50% increase in risk.
https://www.kcl.ac.uk/archive/news/ioppn/records/2013/march/older-grandfathers-autism-risk

No 52 - 53 by the time they are born is to old. Selfish on the child.