Children with a 52 yo?

[Parisiennelondres]

Hello all,

I would like to hear your thoughts on having children with an older man.

I am 35 and I have 1dd with DH, 50. My DH already has three older DDs, with his ex-wife, who is about my age.

I have always wanted two children and feel ready to have another, ideally for when my daughter is a toddler.

My DH loves having children and has been very good with our daughter (I understand he wasn't as hands on the first time round... I know this is not great but also somewhat typical...). But naturally he is a little anxious about his age - for some reason more than with our first daughter? I think he has maybe remembered / realised how exhausting newborns are - whereas I feel I have a lot of energy.

We love each other and have a very good relationship otherwise. Finances / childcare are not an issue, he is well-off and we both run our own businesses. So far we have agreed hypothetically that he would do more childcare while I focus more on my business (he can delegate more easily while I am still developing mine).

I know that it would have been more simple for me to date a man in their 30s..but honestly I was tired of men my age and we have been so happy together so quickly.

I feel like people are a bit judgemental in real life? Has anyone else had similar experiences?

Wow, this resonates completely - especially the ‘spoilt’ aspect. I was called a brat by my older siblings but I was just different/younger than them, and had a different relationship with my parents to them but ultimately they had the ‘normal’ parent/child relationship.

Mine also had age related cancer.

it was quite moving reading your post, so thank you for sharing.

Isn't that the case with all children, though?

This whole thread is about how having kids when older is "selfishness". Having a child at any age is inherently selfish. "I want a baby" translates directly as "I am creating a person to satisfy my needs."

We do discuss it. They exist because he and I decided to have them. Any issues they may have with their dad are about Who he is, not How old he is. I suspect most of us would have liked our parents to have been in some ways different.

There really isn't an alternative, is there? They are who they are because his sperm met my egg. There isn't a slider that we could alter: this sperm but 10 years younger. If I'd met someone else, they wouldn't exist.

And, compared to so many of the men that women settle for, he is decent, honourable, loyal, supportive human being that I fell in love with nearly 30 years ago. He has always been there for us all. Which, in parenting terms, is way more important than when he was born.

My dad had me when he was 52 (mum was 38) and he was the most loving father imaginable. He also retired early due to ill health. I remember him being tired sometimes and having to take pauses whilst we played but I didn’t mind! Kids just need a loving safe environment. My dad is 80 next year and still going :) I’m very happy to be here on earth with my own little children thanks to my parents deciding to have me at their age :)

There are many loving, wonderful families around the world in which one or both parents are significantly older than the average. So your DH’s age in itself should not stop you.

But his older dc are younger than I thought. He’s still got a lot of parenting to do through the tricky teenage years. Not to mention the emotional, practical and financial support young people need with exams, university etc etc.

The key question is more whether your DH has the resources to actually parent a 5th child.

I was also interested in that question, and asked it as did others but OP silent on it. In some ways none of our business, but for me, the fact he has four young children split across two families, three of which have still yet to become teenagers, and wants another one, makes it very relevant, at least for the OP to consider. The OP did say she got pregnant by accident quickly and that's why they stayed together, which suggest to me they could have been together as little as 2 years. Which is actually very early days in getting to know someone. I have been with my partner for three years and I am still learning about how he ticks. The fact he wants another child would to me be a bit of an amber flag that I would want to consider carefully. If i was the OP i would be thinking about that rather than getting worried about his age.

Do it.

Remember in the past people had children for as long as they were fertile. Men remarried younger women and kept on having children. It was normal, no hand wringing necessary.

My great grandmother had her last child at 48 (turns out it wasn't the menopause stopping her periods!). My granddad's father was 52 and his mum was 42, and this was in the late 1920s, third marriage after being widowed for both.

It not just about what you want now but what's going to be the best for the child you already have and your husband's other kids aged 9,12 and 14.

Your husband is 52 overnight and a bit unfit and you already have a 2 year old. At his age their is a far higher chance of a child with special needs or with autism.
I know 3 older men who have kids with autism. One of the men overweight and unfit has led to type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and sleep apnea. He is now doing the childcare after being made redundant. I know his is finding things harder than expected between his health and his child needs. His child has high functioning autism.
Another man I know had 2 children late 40 and early 50's and his wife could be 15 years younger than him. His child are now in there 20's and the 2 child has higher needs than the 1st. They are both not able to work, still living at home and will need supported living long term.

Your husband kids are just 9, 12 and 14. They have yet to hit the potentially hard teen stage and the expenses for all 3 are going to go up a lot in the next 10-15 years between the cost of food, clothes, learning to drive and university. I know parents with kids at this stage and they all say it hard work and expensive.

I also know a lady in her early 50s who was left to bring up 4 kids, her eldest was doing their A levels, 2 others in secondary school and the last child almost finished primary school. Her husband in his mid 50s was overweight and unfit and had a massive heart attack.

In your situation I would not have another child because I think it would be unfair on your current child especially if your next child has special needs or autism.
You have to consider the kids he already has and how much time and money they will need for the next stage of their lives as well.
Instead I would be encouraging your husband to lose weight and to work on his fitness so he does not end up with underlying health issues.

My partner is now 63. 18 years between us. He was 48 when we had our child is great with kids and has more energy and patience than I do when babysitting my 2yr old niece. He also gets involved in our teens activities and clubs. I would say though that he is a lot fitter than the rest of us though. Tends to run 5miles most days, goes to gym etc and always on the go. How does your partner feel about spending his entire adult life doing the parenting thing? I think my partner would have been okay with another at 52 but now in his 60s is probably glad that we didn’t but that doesn’t mean he’d complain if we had. I would say he might want to think about improving his health/fitness as that’s really important at his age anyway never mind if he has a little one to run around after. Think about how you’ll cope when he’s 70 and might be starting uni payments etc and all those practical things.

I didn't know the other children were preteens and one early teen I assumed they were older.

Your husband has a huge financial burden coming up in the form of financing the further education of 4 children just when he will be hitting a time when his financials will be affected by upcoming retirement.

He is also still an active parent to preteens and a young teen as well as a toddler. He's only got do much time to split amongst them and a new baby would lessen that just when his older kids are going to be hitting a stage where they will likely need a lot of active involvement from him.

The risk of special needs and ND, who would take on the care? Even if mild, you're looking at a big and ongoing time investment through diagnostic process and treatments involve driving to appointments and meetings and follow up and the making sure the school follows the care plans.

Adding a fifth doesn't seem like a positive. I don't get this adding so there's a sibling, there's no guarantee they would get along or one might have special needs.

I'm sorry you had a similar experience. There was a lot of resentment from one brother because he thinks I got more growing up than he did. In reality I was wearing hand me down boys' clothes at one point when my dad was struggling for work. Even if I was spoilt some of the time I'd rather have had the extra years with my parents than money or stuff. It's nice to find someone who relates but I'm sorry you had to go through similar. I also felt like an only child a lot of the time growing up and I'm not close with my siblings now. You'd think they'd be super protective of their younger sibling but it doesn't always work out that way!

My late db had asd and df was 24 when he was born!

Indeed, I've seen how this works out 20 years on down the line. OP I really wouldn't, sometimes it's smart to recognise when you've got it good so far and enough is enough. 💕

@Manthide it's just one cause, not the only cause.

I haven't read the whole thread but it is worth knowing that older men have a significantly higher risk of fathering a child with a disability. Sperm quality decreases with age so make sure you have plans to be able to raise a disabled child alone (I think it is average £100,000 more than a non disabled child to age 18). Plus they could need life long care.

All of what you have said could have been written by me. My dad was made redundant when he was 60 and struggled to find work after that due to his age and so we also struggled financially throughout my childhood. I have a lot of older siblings who had grown up and moved out when I came along so I was also raised like an only child. It was very lonely to be honest.

This has been quite thought provoking reading/writing this after all these years.

sorry you were in the same boat x

It’s not like he’s old at 52 but it will be hard work. You should definitely make sure it’s what he wants as well as you. If he has a 2nd with you and you’re building your business how much time will he have left for his older kids. I think life is very short if something bad happened to either of you would the other parent cope. I ask this as I know people who have had heart attacks, strokes & terminal cancer at this age and life changes dramatically for everyone. It’s not just about affordability for a nanny or a dog walker etc there is a lot more to it.

My parents had an age gap similar to this and my father was older than 52 when my younger sibling was born. They struggled to understand each other but that was more to do with my father’s emotional repression than the age gap. It’s not ideal but many things in life aren’t and if he is a partner who shares responsibilities and is open-minded and available emotionally I don’t see the issue. I have friends who lost their fathers to accidents and heart attacks even though they were young dads. The only thing is I think he should take better care of his health - but I think that is the responsibility of every parent whatever their age.

There are other ways for you to have children that don't involve biological children: if you love helping kids then you could always emergency foster children who need a place to live for a little while (even over night) while their child care arrangements are being squared away.

As for having another biological child with your partner: that's a conversation for you and for him. Seems like you've already decided that you'd like one, but he's already decided that he's worried about it - and his reasons are valid. What do you feel you are missing such that you want another child??? would you be happy even if the child were a complete pain the ass? What about if the child was disabled or had special needs etc etc? Because once you go down that road you have to accept whatever child arrives.

Sounds like you have a very nice life now, a partner who loves you, and you are finding a good balance between work and life. Ask yourself: are you only wanting a child because you want an "idealised" version of what that child would be?? If you had a child with special needs would you still be just as happy??? Also, what is the point of having another child if you would want to delegate the raising of that child to hired help? I think night nurses are awesome, but can you yourself actually raise another child AND dedicate the time to your business that you want to dedicate? Remember, children at baby/toddler age are relatively easy to deal with from a logistical POV: they don't have to go anywhere multiple times a day. Are you going to be okay with being a chauffeur pretty quickly?

Best person to talk to about all this is your spouse, and also a therapist. Suggest you chat with them. You're going to get a lot of people on mumsnet who loathe the notion of having to chase around after a small child after mid-thirties-year old (though, funnily enough, a lot of parents on here are perfectly happy to ask grandparents to assist with child care - and many of them are far older than early 50s...).