Children with a 52 yo?

[Parisiennelondres]

Hello all,

I would like to hear your thoughts on having children with an older man.

I am 35 and I have 1dd with DH, 50. My DH already has three older DDs, with his ex-wife, who is about my age.

I have always wanted two children and feel ready to have another, ideally for when my daughter is a toddler.

My DH loves having children and has been very good with our daughter (I understand he wasn't as hands on the first time round... I know this is not great but also somewhat typical...). But naturally he is a little anxious about his age - for some reason more than with our first daughter? I think he has maybe remembered / realised how exhausting newborns are - whereas I feel I have a lot of energy.

We love each other and have a very good relationship otherwise. Finances / childcare are not an issue, he is well-off and we both run our own businesses. So far we have agreed hypothetically that he would do more childcare while I focus more on my business (he can delegate more easily while I am still developing mine).

I know that it would have been more simple for me to date a man in their 30s..but honestly I was tired of men my age and we have been so happy together so quickly.

I feel like people are a bit judgemental in real life? Has anyone else had similar experiences?

Everyone is different OP - you do what feels right for you and your DH.

We had out last child when my DH was 56 and everything has turned out absolutely fine.

My sister, however, had her two children at the age of 18 and 22. She died when she was 43.

Having children young is no guarantee of being around longer.

Personally I think it's too old he'll be 70 when your DC is 18. Saying that my uncle is 71 and has a 10 year old! He seems to manage. My mum is 73 and totally decrepid. Just depends on the person I guess. I often feel very old as a 45 year old (daughter 9). I wish I'd started earlier.

My dad was 50 when I was born and, whilst I adored him, he died when I was in my 20s and I am always sad that I didn’t have longer with him (he has much older children who spent a normal amount of their lives with him). I was quite resentful growing up.

it’s not just about his capabilities but the effect on the child when he passes away when they’re still young.

and don't discount how the child will feel knowing their older siblings had more time with him.

just offering different perspective.

My dad was 50 when I was born and despite his pack a day super king habit he was very hands on. He’s a hands on Grandad now, despite doing nothing for his health. I also know men who were super healthy at 50 and dropped dead by 60.

My dad wasn’t easy also 50 when I was born and died when I was 17, so no, no guarantees. I regret not getting to know him as an adult though and that he didn’t get to walk me down the aisle at my wedding.

I also suspect I have ADHD and autism as well.

Since you asked I’ll give you my opinion.

You might be financially able, childcare able, you already have a young child, and due to your age - able. Great. BUT the fact that your DH is 52, unfit and couldn’t even be a hands on dad with his youngest… it would be a no from me.

To be honest the whole “you’re having a child because it’s what you want” argument can be said for a couple in their 20’s… but I will say, I would personally hate to be an 18 year old with a dad in his early 70’s. Life isn’t promised, a young parent could pass before an older parent.

Being 25 and getting married whilst my dad is coming up to his 80’s jsut doesn’t sit right with me.

ultimately it’s your decision, not us on MN.

My DC has a father who was 50 at the time. DC has severe autism. Autism and schizophrenia are more likely with older fathers. Parenting NT children as an older parent is hard enough but having the energy for a child with additional needs at that age is unlikely.

How do you know they split up a long time ago?

Thank you very much, really appreciate messages so far. I know it might be a bit funny to ask as we already have one DD, but it's so useful to have a range of points so I can see my situation more clearly

I feel this completely, was the same for me (I also have Autism/ADHD) ❤️

Such large age gaps in some of these relationships. My parents health started to deteriorate in their 70s. There are going to be some posters on here managing elderly parents, elderly partner and managing teenagers (probably with menopause thrown in for good measure!)

I would be wary of old sperm too. Might add SN into the mix too

How old are your stepchildren @Parisiennelondres? how long have you been with your partner?

DH was 49 when our DS was born and 52 when DD was born. They're now teenagers and he was/is a very hands on dad - he's always been involved and happily went to them in the night, chased around after them as toddlers, played football with them, picked them up, dropped them off etc. If anything his age meant that he didn't mind a more child-focused life and was willing to put his own interests on the back burner. He's now just at the point of semi-retirement while I'm late 40s and still have career goals etc., which is fine because DH has taken up some of the slack and has become their teenage taxi driver and doesn't mind one bit.

I would say it's not ideal to have a new baby when one parent is already in their 50s. BUT guess what, we don't live in an ideal world!

My husband is 13-14 years older. That can't be helped. We have been happily together for 30 years and I can't imagine a better/different husband so no regrets that I chose him rather than search for someone younger.

We had our youngest child when he was 53 (and i was almost 40). Yes it would have been better sooner and closer to our first (nearly 10 years gap) but I suffered many losses in between due to me developing an autoimmune condition, nothing to do with his age! Absolutely no regrets, she's amazing and it feels like our family is properly complete. (I'm not knocking anyone who chooses to have an only but two "felt right" for us.)

He's more tired out this time round but also has more patience and has been more committed to "enjoying" parenthood. It made him pull himself up about his health and ditch his occasional smoking habit, started riding a bike again etc. We're both quite active, "young" and fun loving in outlook etc.

We are aware that we are both older parents, particularly him and it is a bit of a worry but there's nothing we can do about it except carry on putting best foot forward. You can't live your life according to maybes. My eldest's friendship group included two friends who had each lost a "young" parent during their early childhood - one to cancer and one to a car accident.

The sperm quality/birth defects thing is a bit of a worry though we both had a lot of monitoring and testing during secondary infertility so were reassured on that score. Our eldest does have ASD (high functioning) and ADHD but it's pretty likely he got it from my side as I have ADHD and I would put money on my dad being on the spectrum. Youngest is neurotypical, though she was born before our son was diagnosed and I might have been more inclined not to try again otherwise. The strongest likelihood of ASD is a hereditary one. But we were lucky when we rolled the dice.

I'm waffling as usual but in your situation if you're both willing and feel able physically emotionally and financially then give it a go!

It depends a lot on finances. If he wants to treat all his children equally and help them out with university and things like that, then 5 is an awful lot of children. If you are considering a night nurse then it sounds like you have money but you do need to factor in preferred retirement age , pensions, ongoing cost of his current children etc. The older people that I know who had babies late, found that they couldn’t wind down their work life or retire until well into their 70’s as they were forced to keep bringing in the money for longer. None of them had as many as 5 children.

Hard to say really, up you you but I wouldn't based on my personal experiences. Generally would say it's not ideal especially with higher risk of SEN but given that you already have a young child it would be good for them to have a sibling and he'll already be parenting anyway. Plus if you're financially, emotionally and physically able now then that's a good sign.

On the other hand you need to consider that he'd be in his 70s when the youngest is 18, and that could potentially be a lot to handle on both sides, in terms of he might find a struggle to actively parent and if he does have any health issues then your children might end up having to be hands on in terms of his care and have to deal with the trauma of not having as much time with him potentially. We have a similar situation in my family where my uncle was relatively healthy in his 50s, already had kids from a previous marriage but wanted more with his new wife and now he's in his 60s with a hip replacement, diabetes etc and his 12 year old child is very very conscious of having an older dad, has health anxiety and worries a lot about his dad dying. After seeing that I would never put myself in that position personally but obviously there are lots of others who it's worked out fine for. Also the costs of sending all to uni etc and providing for them all equally.

I think if you do want another one it'll probably be fine, but would strongly encourage your DH to focus on his health and fitness more in the meantime and see how he does being hands on with your DD, really look at your finances and think about things like whether you'd be willing to take a step back from your business if he needed more support with childcare etc, and consider the possibility of having a potentially neurodivergent child and if you'd both be in good enough health to manage that. Sorry that turned into a massive ramble but hope it helped!

No. And not because of his age so much, because of you saying this;

My DH loves having children and has been very good with our daughter (I understand he wasn't as hands on the first time round... I know this is not great but also somewhat typical...)

But then expecting him to pick up most of the parenting drudge work. He is older now than when you had DD, unfit, overweight… I fear he will revert to type and you will be stuck trying to run a business and parent 2 kids almost on your own.

My husband was in his early 50s when we had our last. He was very health conscious and definitely not sedentary.

Your husband is just not going to be able to give a baby the same kind of energy he did his older children, especially with him being unfit and there being a toddler also to care for. I don't think he's going to be able to do a ton of childcare and still work. You're going to have to hire childcare or put them in daycare.

There's going to be less money available as this potential last one gets older because he's going to be preparing for retirement and retiring while putting 5 children through school.

You're going to have teens while you're in menopause.

Are you prepared to have a child with SN?

There's also the increased possibility of a serious health event or dx that affects his daily functioning, especially with him being overweight and not fit. My husband died while my kids were still in school.

I think you're being a bit dismissive of the real issues that comes with having children well into middle age.

The kid is unlikely to be heading off to uni age 30

If he’s healthy and finances are sorted, maybe go for it. I would ask you to think about making sure your wills are sorted. Making sure all five children will be provided for, should the worst happen.

Also, keep the older children considered and involved, so they don’t feel like they’re being replaced by his ‘new family’.

but if that’s all under control, why not.

My husband was 50 for our first and 58 for our last.

We have never regretted our family.

Wouldn't it realistically mean he has less time and energy for his 3 older girls (who you briefly mention he wasn't a great dad to)

I think if you choose as a partner a man who already has 3 kids you need to take that into account

@SpanThatWorld is he a healthy dad?

I always say go for it on similar threads because I am myself an older mother with a baby and DH is similar age. But we are both very fit and active. We also both have first hand experience of older, overweight, unfit fathers. My childhood experiences of my own father are constant health complaints and concerns (he had a stroke, several heart attacks and developed diabetes type 2 all before I turned 18). My own children only know seriously senile, fragile and disoriented grandfathers. It’s easy to take the health for granted till it’s too late.

Why do these old, fat rich men seem to have a plethora of young wives?

So, his first wife is your age too? And they have grown up children and are divorced? How old was she she heaven’s sake when they got together and had kids? How long after her did he marry and have a child with you?

He’s older, he’s out of shape, but he’s rich and already has a small baby. 🤷🏻‍♀️

also it’s not just old eggs that cause problems but old sperm ..

yes which is very often overlooked. I think it's a teenager in your 60s which is hard.

many families work out perfectly well in exactly this position.

The numbers of fathers who have dc in their 50s is pretty small.