Children with a 52 yo?

[Parisiennelondres]

Hello all,

I would like to hear your thoughts on having children with an older man.

I am 35 and I have 1dd with DH, 50. My DH already has three older DDs, with his ex-wife, who is about my age.

I have always wanted two children and feel ready to have another, ideally for when my daughter is a toddler.

My DH loves having children and has been very good with our daughter (I understand he wasn't as hands on the first time round... I know this is not great but also somewhat typical...). But naturally he is a little anxious about his age - for some reason more than with our first daughter? I think he has maybe remembered / realised how exhausting newborns are - whereas I feel I have a lot of energy.

We love each other and have a very good relationship otherwise. Finances / childcare are not an issue, he is well-off and we both run our own businesses. So far we have agreed hypothetically that he would do more childcare while I focus more on my business (he can delegate more easily while I am still developing mine).

I know that it would have been more simple for me to date a man in their 30s..but honestly I was tired of men my age and we have been so happy together so quickly.

I feel like people are a bit judgemental in real life? Has anyone else had similar experiences?

Had 2 children with my DH when he was late 50s - (he didn't have any others) and I was in my 30s. Never wanted an only child, although obviously if I couldn't have had a second would have accepted that.....They are healthy, bright, capable children and he's a very hands on dad. Due to developing a chronic illness over the last few years, he's actually fitter and healthier than I am......
If he'd had children younger he would barely have seen them as his career was all consuming......

I wouldn’t. That was the age my dad was when dd2 was born and whilst in general good health and reasonably active then, despite being a bit over weight, he started to develop health issues in his late 50s. He wouldn’t have been able to be an active dad to a young child.

I may feel differently if you said your DH keeps himself very fit and active and regularly runs long distances/competes in sports or whatever. But you’ve said he’s over weight and unfit. Over weight, unfit and an older parent aren’t really a good combo.

Pearl clutching is a really accurate description for some of the posts I've read here about older parents.

People have posted about how horrifying it would be to be doing the primary school run in your 50s, or having a child at university when you're in your 60s. Or how terribly selfish it is because you might develop a serious illness when your children are young adults.

The genuine horror of those kind of posts is very much pearl clutching.

Hopefully this will not be your future but it’s a fair point. I lost my father relatively young (20s) & my siblings were a great support

IME - with the best will in the world, half siblings are less close than full siblings once grown up

If you can afford it there is little difference 2-3 years on is there

My DH is 54 and we have a 4 year old. He is an amazing father and does way more for our DS than most other fathers I know.

Unless you are ill or seriously unfit I don’t see what the issue is in terms of ability to handle the situation.

My parents were 38 and 60 when I was born!Admittedly this was in the 70s,but actually,it’s far more common now. Yes,sure,I got the odd Grandpa comment, but actually, I think it was a positive having an older Dad.
He was really hands on and retired so always around. He was also very fit,so lived til he was 95 and I was 35.
i have a half brother and sister who were in their late twenties when I was born,so I would absolutely have loved to have a younger sibling(especially when my parents died).
i personally think you should go for it!

I dont want to keep posting but the OP has already said her husband is unfit and overweight. Also you have 1 kid. OP's husband will have 5.

I personally think 52 is too old. I think if a 52 year old woman was saying she wanted a child many people would be saying it’s too old. By the time the kid is 18 the dad will either be 70 or even dead.

I think it’s common for people to get a certain point and look back and say ‘that was hard, I couldn’t do it again at my age now!’ But in reality- they’re tired and couldn’t do it again regardless. Whereas if they hadn’t done it in the first place, and were doing it for the first time at the older age, they wouldn’t really have this feeling to compare. (That made sense in my head, I’m not sure I’ve explained that very well!!)

I understand you.

I was responding to your claim of not being able to handle a toddler at 53.

So she was 21 and he was 36 when they had their first child?

”honestly I was tired of men my age and we have been so happy together so quickly”

How long have you been together?

Totally up to you both. I would be mindful that he might not be around for Uni fees though and any estate will be split several ways, I would start financially preparing for that early on.

I was born when my mum was 44 and my dad was 53. I won’t discourage or encourage you but you might be interested in my experience. There are pros and cons. It was unusual back then. My parents, especially my dad, were always mistaken for my grandparents. My dad also had two older children, and after I was born he didn’t want any more. So I have no full siblings, which is a shame, and the older I get, the more I wish I had at least one. But, I can’t really miss what I never had. I didn’t know any other only children growing up, but 1 child families are much more common now. I had a lot of play dates and sleepovers compared to how many my children have, and I’m grateful that my parents recognised that’s what I needed. My half siblings have never been interested in a relationship with me. My dad died when I was 33. It pains me having to explain to people that my dad died, as it is quite young to lose a parent. People are often surprised. One of my work colleagues, who is in his 60s, only just lost his dad. I feel sad and envious of people who have so much more time with their parents than I do. That being said, age doesn’t guarantee health, I had a friend who died last year who was 58, when her youngest daughter was 20. My mum is a superstar, super fit and active, despite being 80. My parents paid their mortgage off before I finished secondary school, and were financially comfortable in a way they may not have been if I had been born some years earlier. I have also benefitted financially from being my mum’s only child, my mum being generous and my dad dying when he did. That sounds dreadful and morbid, obviously I am not glad he died. My mum was not taken seriously when she was pregnant, and she thinks that it was because she was older. She had an unplanned breech birth as a result, which fortunately went smoothly. I have no additional needs, am neurotypical, but my mum did suffer a birth injury. I worry so much for the future when my mum dies, as apart from my children, I have no other close family living nearby and also I’m a single parent. I worry about being very lonely. I am very, very close to my mum. It was immensely difficult for me in many ways having my father dying, a divorce, and 2 very young children. I believe the term is “sandwich generation”. Obviously I would choose to be born again 😀 and some of the circumstances have benefitted me. Some, well, not so much.

I agree with this.

I’m 38 and my children are 10 and 7. It would be easy for me to say I couldn’t have a baby or toddler now, but the reality is that I feel this way because I have already been through those stages and I don’t have a desire to return to them. I also don’t want any more children anyway, if I did I’d probably feel differently.

My DH and I were exactly the same ages as your parents when we had our second so I found it really interesting to read your balanced perspective, thanks for sharing! I too am really close to my mum, who had me when she was 25 and is now fit and healthy in her late seventies. I have no regrets at having had kids in my forties, but it does occasionally make me sad to think that even in the best case scenario my daughter probably won’t have the same amount of time with me that I’ve had with my mum, and that their dad likely won’t live to see them have grandkids (especially if they leave it as late as we did!)

52 is no age these days and you already have one DC together who is very young. True, he’ll be in his seventies with a child in uni, but all the people on here commenting on that are forgetting you are here too and will still be young- ish. You may have to accept that you’ll may well be the more active parent as your children get older- but that doesn’t mean they won’t have a loving, nurturing relationship with a dad who has tons of life experience (and time- he’ll be retired when they are young adults and able to provide the support that a younger father might struggle with due to work).
It would be good to have the discussion with him about his health though. If he wants to be a youthful and energetic father who is around for his kids for as long as possible he needs to adopt a healthier lifestyle.

OP I don't want to scare you, but - my dad was the same age when my half brother was born, and his mother about yours. The boy has fairly pronounced autism. Older fathers have a higher risk of having autistic children, and some study somewhere suggested that a larger age gap with the mother reinforces the effect.

It's years since I read about this though. I'd have a poke around the internet (for actual medical literature, not urban myths) just so you know about this risk. It's probably still small.

With the update on the age of his other DC I would say no. He needs to focus on the children he already has, not be having more. They are tweens and early teens. The demands are going to skyrocket in terms of their needs over the next few years. Parenting teens is really really tough. Adding another child to the mix would be really selfish.

Considering the ages of his other three children, I would say no, he has an obligation and a commitment to them, and they are going to need him. It’s not fair on them . Or him .

Well you’ve already dived in so I’d have another yes - given he is not going to be around for as long ax the average Dad, I think it’s good to have a sibling, or it may feel drafty, and they will also be solely responsible for you in your dotage

This was me too. My brothers had so much more time with my dad and it's hard to not feel sad about that. Both my parents had had cancer by the time I was 15, and they were not in the least unhealthy it was purely down to their ages. I had to deal with things my siblings never did. No one who doesn't have older parents really understands or sympathises though so I was just left to get on with it. Oh and they'd probably tell you I was lucky, spoilt blah blah because they have no idea what it was like for me.

It depends a lot on personality type and closeness to parents imo though. There will be some kids that will move out at 18 and rarely see their parents and it won't affect them so much if they lose them early. Others will be badly affected. Props to OP for trying to think deeply about it, it's more than most people do.

To be fair wouldn't we have to ask your kids how they feel about it? Of course you don't regret something you wanted in the first place.

She already has a baby with him though, an infant, if I'm reading her OP correctly so that child will already have an older dad.

Go for it OP, finances will make a huge difference if you need to pay for help. I think you'll regret not having a second.

Few people have children in perfect circumstances.

At first I thought yanbu but after hearing his other children's ages, I changed my mind. I thought they were grown up for some reason, or at least older teens