Children with a 52 yo?

[Parisiennelondres]

Hello all,

I would like to hear your thoughts on having children with an older man.

I am 35 and I have 1dd with DH, 50. My DH already has three older DDs, with his ex-wife, who is about my age.

I have always wanted two children and feel ready to have another, ideally for when my daughter is a toddler.

My DH loves having children and has been very good with our daughter (I understand he wasn't as hands on the first time round... I know this is not great but also somewhat typical...). But naturally he is a little anxious about his age - for some reason more than with our first daughter? I think he has maybe remembered / realised how exhausting newborns are - whereas I feel I have a lot of energy.

We love each other and have a very good relationship otherwise. Finances / childcare are not an issue, he is well-off and we both run our own businesses. So far we have agreed hypothetically that he would do more childcare while I focus more on my business (he can delegate more easily while I am still developing mine).

I know that it would have been more simple for me to date a man in their 30s..but honestly I was tired of men my age and we have been so happy together so quickly.

I feel like people are a bit judgemental in real life? Has anyone else had similar experiences?

THIS - WITH ABSOLUTE BELLS ON!!

I would want to know how his previous relationship (marriage?) ended. First thought is that he could be the kind of man who will end any relationship once a woman is in her forties.

How this forum works, or any discussion, is you give your opinion which will be based on your own life experience, and I will give mine based on mine. The op, or any person asking an opinion, gets to listen and think which one most likely aligns with their life.

my ‘world’ is one where my 50ish aged friends and I all have well paying jobs, our mortgages are nearly finished, pensions are good and we are very excited about our 60s and will definitely have retired by then. So, for me, the idea of having kids still or requiring needs then would be awful.

Given you already have a small child together, go for it. As you say, you would like your child to have a sibling similar in age. I see no issue and for people saying you won’t want a uni student in your 70’s clearly haven’t read your post where you’ve said you already have a small child, you’re in the small child zone already, what difference will a couple more years of it make

But she always has a small child. She’s going to be in child zone regardless and not travelling the world.

I was 36 when I had my first and only and my DH was 53. He's fitter than I am so no problems with running around after our toddler😅

As you already have one and it seems he can afford to support multiple children, have another if you want to. I don't think early 50s is a good age to become a father, but as previous posters have pointed out, it might be beneficial for your existing child to have a sibling.

This. All day long. My dad was almost 50 when I was born and I have ASD. The link between older parents (especially dads) and ASD is proven. And ASD is probably best case scenario in terms of what could go wrong genetically.

I would never want a baby at 50 (i'm 48) but you've done that now so personally I don't see what difference a second in the next 12-18 months makes. If anything, two close together will be better when he becomes elderly and it is usually true that it can be easier to keep two busy than one. I have an only and dh and I have had to do a lot of physical activities with him over the years that we would not be able to if we were much older, and a sibling could have allowed us to take on a spectating role.

I love that, thank you! (It wouldn't hurt if he improved his fitness a bit...)

Couldn't agree more😁

Finances now might not be an issue but he's 52 and will hit retirement age before that child leaves high school......how's his pension pot looking and does it stretch to supporting 2 children through university or can you afford to do that on your remaining salary? 35-52 and 45-62 or 50-67 are quite different stages of life.

If you didn't already have a young child id say absolutely not.

But really you are already in the toddler years. Another baby won't be the same shock to the system as the first and you want it.

Given you have a child with much older half siblings and an older father, I'd think a sibling of a similar age would make her a little less alone in the world should they lose their dad at younger ages than many.

Having another will be a hard year but beyond that easier as they'll have each other.

I can’t see that two years makes such a huge difference, and I do think it’s nice for children to grow up with a sibling. One of my DD’s classmates has an older dad. He was particularly retired by the time she was starting reception. He’s been able to do all the school runs and really be there for her. Yes there are issues of his potential lifespan compared to the age of the children, but there are issues with any parenting set up. And if your child is going to be dealing with losing her dad at a young age, better to have a sibling to comfort each other. There are so many issues with so many different parenting situations, it’s never going to be perfect. You described him as patient, which is a winning trait to be a good father in my book.

Like another PP, I would be thinking about why his other relationship ended. Your OP said:

but honestly I was tired of men my age and we have been so happy together so quickly

How quickly? How long have you been together? How well do you know him? Why did he his relationship break up? I am an older Mum and actually I think I could have a child again now! I am not going to but it doesnt daunt me. While there may be issues being an older parent, there are issues being a younger parent! So its more around are you emotionally, financially and physically able. But honestly I would be really focusing on your relationship with your partner and whether brining another child in, not just for age reasons, is the right thing.

I feel like people are more judgemental on here than Irl
I had my 1st at 23. Dh 52
We're now due our 3rd 10 years on, he is retired and has all the time in the world for them, has more energy and patience than I do for them.
He has 4 others prior to me. All big kids now
The only issue was his oldest having daddy issues and thinking I was replacing them with my kids. But that was there before I even came into the picture. (4th kid was with different partner)
Even my skeptical family members where supportive once they saw our dynamic together
F everybody else and do what makes you happy.

Sharing opinions that the OP has asked for is not judgemental. Or are we only allowed to say " Go for it hun" like Nethuns?

If he's willing,I'd say definitely have another,so your child has a sibling a similar age .the half siblings are to old to be close to your child .

My dad is 63 and has a 12 year old and a 14 year old with his wife (who is now late 30s). He seemed to think it was a good idea at the time, but his health has declined quite rapidly and he's struggling. His son is severely autistic, and his daughter has become a somewhat rebellious teen.
He has no idea about parenting teens as he didn't stick around long enough with his first two families, so it's come as a shock to him.

I have kids who are only a year or so younger than his, so he should be in his more relaxed grandad years, but he's now permanently stressed and struggling to keep up with having a young family. But it's his kids who are suffering for it.

My dad had my half siblings in his early 30s, me at 42 and my sister at 52. He’s 73 this year and is nothing like a typical 73 year old.. my sister who is now 19 never had any issues growing up with him being an older dad. I honestly think it depends on the person but of course it’s valid to worry. If he’s “young” fit and has no immediate health concerns then I say go for it.. my parents did get the odd comments from immediate family about his age when finding out he was going to be a dad at 52 again but it soon became normal. It’s not as uncommon as you think! I would say in 60s/70s is pushing it too far though.

Are people not reading the OP? Her DH is unfit and overweight.

What a weird comment. Why would you even think that . Seeing as his ex wife is only 35 and they had split up a long time ago , she was still a spring chicken .

As you already have a young one, I don't see why another would be so bad. All the arguments above would also apply to the toddler you already have. My main worry would be SN such as autism which is more common with older fathers. I may be biased, though as my DS2 is autistic

My dad was 50 when I was born and despite his pack a day super king habit he was very hands on. He’s a hands on Grandad now, despite doing nothing for his health. I also know men who were super healthy at 50 and dropped dead by 60.

I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad idea, but you need to be realistic and prepared. You need to make sure that when he dies his affairs are in order, and since he has 3 kids already, you’ll probably need to be prepared to take a lifestyle cut if he does die. I think it’s good you plan to focus on your business and have him do most of the childcare, but have a backup plan. Look into a nanny, even if you don’t use one it’s good to know your options incase he can’t physically keep up with the childcare.

There's no guarantees in life.
But fwiw, my DH was mid 40's when our DD came along. She does worry about having older parents (I was lateish 30's) and she is upset by the prospect that we're not going to be around forever. But she's had a great childhood and is now a young adult. She's close to her older siblings too, so has 'family' who hopefully will be around after we die.
I have a couple of friends whose father's were much older and they only really remember them as older men, more like grandfather's than Dads. Still much love and happiness but a briefer relationship with their fathers and a less active childhood perhaps than younger siblings had experienced.
I think you do need to reflect on the future and how having older parents affects their children but I'm not saying don't do it, but be realistic. DH has accepted early retirement isn't an option as we have university expenses to find for another few years for example. Childcare costs and associated other compromises.