She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

This is a gif way of handling it.

Good not gif

'I've been so thoroughly obnoxious throughout my life - causing arguments with all my friends and acquaintances to the point that I have no one left - and now I'm elderly and lonely my daughter is genuinely distressed at the idea of my trampling all over her life and alienating everyone who likes and accepts her in the new life she's built...

Oh she's an awful, awful daughter to not want me around.'

Imagine that.

Some elderly people have been terribly difficult people their whole lives and they shouldn't be surprised when their children don't want to maintain close ties.

OP clearly loves her mum, but it's okay to not want her living right next door and messing up all her relationships!

We don't even know whether OP has children, but if she has, I'm pretty sure that with her childhood experiences with a horrible mother, she would try and be the best mum that she could possibly be.

You don't get to be rude, judgemental, selfish and abusive to your daughter and other people, to the point that you have no friends or family wanting anything to do with you and then expect your daughter to provide care just because you are old.

OP's mum is alone because she is a hateful woman. Actions have consequences.

What's with the sudden influx of cloyingly sentimental and misjudged posts telling OP that 'she's your muuum! Of course you need to look after her! My mum is lovely so I'm sure yours is the same even though you have made it explicitly clear in your posts that she is the opposite of lovely. I will just ignore this and guilt trip you'.

There are often disingenuous posts on MN - some sort of ‘contrary’ sport. I don’t give them the reaction they crave.

Wow, the "All women who are fertile and have unprotected sex are automatically sacred and wonderful and must be forever protected from all negative consequences of their unpleasant and abusive behaviour" faction are really out in force on this thread. Have you all formed a group or something?

My sympathies OP

Good point. Just a different kind of trolling.

To those saying 74 isn’t old - it is - and a time when people start to become ill and vulnerable, if they aren’t already. Your mum won’t live forever. Why would you be happy for her to move a 50 minute drive away at her age, to a place she doesn’t know? Whatever your issues with your mum, you sound just as awful as you say she is.

Good point.

I'll ignore the Pollyanna Gobshites from now on

They enjoy a good de-rail.

The worst type are the in-cels who swoop in to claim an OP is unreasonable for not being subjugated to a man’s abusive demands - trying to gas light women.

The OP sounds awful because she doesn’t want her ‘rude and judgemental’ mum living in her pocket? That’s an odd take.

I'm sorry 😞

Your description fits my mother too.

She believes the royal family are aliens and the world are 'sheeple'. Covid was fake, the Manchester attack was fake, loves Trump, thinks you can cure cancer with juices. She's vicious when annoyed. A lot annoys her. If you don't agree with her, you're wrong and bad.

She's someone you would actively avoid.

And no, she hasn't got dementia, she's been like this for at least 45 years.

Thank you again for all that understand 🙏

Also - sending sympathy for those posters who have lost their lovely mums, how much you miss them is testament to how lovely your relationship was 💜

The OP sounds awful because in her own words her mum is elderly and isolated. She has no other children or friends, yet OP thinks her mum should move to a town she doesn’t know, a 50 minute drive away, on her own. Her mum may be judgemental and have views she doesn’t like, but this is often common in older, isolated people with no outlet. She just might mellow and be happier if she was included a little bit and was exposed to kinder, fairer people. Her mum is old and probably frightened about the time she has left. OP says she has lots of new friends and volunteers where she now lives. Maybe she should ask her friends and the people she volunteers with about her dilemma and see what they think of her attitude to her elderly, lonely and isolated mum. She probably wouldn’t like the answer, which is why she’s on here. I doubt her mum wants to infiltrate every part of her life, but would just like to be nearer in her final years and she may just have a different version to OP. Compassion costs nothing and life is short.

Sounds horrendous.

Would she even be able to rock up at your hobbies if she doesn't drive? Sounds like she would just be stuck in that unsuitable house if you don't enable her.

When is she viewing the house @OpenThatWindow - and when and how will you put down your boundaries?

It’s tough to shoulder such toxicity in your life and things get worse as MH and physical health declines.

Protect your peace. Put in the distance to focus on your own recovery from such an inadequate upbringing and preserve your own marriage and friendships.

Best of luck.

Strange how people see things so differently. I see a woman who is putting boundaries in place to protect herself from a woman who has caused her difficulties throughout her life with her behaviour and attitude. Getting older isn’t an excuse for poor behaviour.
Then again I’m viewing it from the perspective of someone who has a very similar sounding mother. I know what it’s like.
Oh and if I went to my friends with a dilemma like the one in the OP then they’d support me 100%, because they’ve met my mother, seen the distress she causes me, and they know what she’s like.

But she is isolated because she has driven so many other people away over the years, I have a lot of sympathy for @OpenThatWindow, she isn't responsible for her DM and I doubt of many of her current friends would criticise her for this as her DM sounds appalling.

@OpenThatWindow My mum and I have a very strained relationship for various reasons, she isn't traditionally'toxic'. But it is so hard sometimes talking to my friends who are close to their mums (or even like them). I have had them say things along the lines of "you only get one mum" etc.

I appreciate that is how they feel, they cannot understand how I feel.

I think unless people have a mother who been problematic they have no idea what it like. Then I have found these same mothers as they age become even more selfish, demanding and more stuck in their ways.
I have seen a friend of mine dealing with her mother who's is now in her early 80s.
Her mother thinks nothing of telling certain people things my friend wanted to remain private. As a result my friend shares very little information with her now.
Her mother refused to sell the big family home with a garden to move into a smaller and more suitable house in one of the near by towns a few years ago. She has a good pension and savings but complains about the cost of everything.

A few months ago my friend helped her out for weeks after she had a health issue and she did not ever get a £100 as a thank you from her mother for doing this.

My friend has decided to look for a new job with more hours and a better salary. She won't be as available for her mother's care in the future. It means that her siblings will have to step up more and carry more of the load then.

In your situation I would tell your mother that your area is poor in regards to shops, doctors and public transport and that unfortunately with working full time you can't provide transport or care. Tell her that if she was to move into X town ( a town within a 20 mile radius) of your home they have retirement housing or have a small suitable house or apartment in town ideal for her stage of life if this the case.
Another thing you could do either is tell her I hope you not planning to move because of me & then say we might have to move because of my husband's job or say we are planning to move house.

As for looking at a big six bedroom house in your area probably with a big garden. Who is going to maintain this house and garden? Then its the cost of a house like this to buy and the ongoing bills will be higher in a house like this.

Then the expectation that you can drop all to prove care, house and garden maintenance, a taxi service and a way into the groups your involved with is unbelievable.
You or your husband need to tell her one of the above to ensure she does not move into where you live now because I can see the problem you have if she does this.

This is my mother and sister! Apparently I’m a brainwashed sheeple. What can you do? It makes them feel better about their own inadequacies I guess

OP doesn't sound awful at all but you certainly do.

OP's mum has no friends as she has driven them all away with her rude, judgemental and selfish behaviour. OP has confirmed that her mum gave her an awful childhood.

OP doesn't think that her mum should move at all. As she has said:

She's had decades in our hometown to create a life, but instead she's chosen to fall out with everyone.

Moving to OP's village would be completely impractical for the following reasons:

She even HATES driving, and it's nothing but narrow country and hilly lanes here. Zero buses and taxis hate coming out this way. Nearest hospital is 35 min drive.

The suggestion of the town 50 miles away is because, if her mum insists on moving, it is nearer to OP than where she currently lives and more suitable for someone elderly who doesn't like driving:

There is a town about 50 minutes away that I think would really suit her - transport links, property values are affordable for her for a 2 bed bungalow, there seems to be lots for her to easily do, and I'd be happy to see her once a week.

Considering how toxic her mum is, OP is actually being really kind to even consider encouraging her to move nearer to OP where she would visit her more regularly. People who are toxic cunts when they are young also tend to be toxic cunts when they are old. That definitely seem to be the case for OP's mum.

I agree with some other pps who have disagreed with this reaction.

Compassion doesn't cost nothing - it actually costs a lot especially when you are doing your best to show compassion to an old lady who has done her best to make your life a bloody misery for the past 45 years. OP sounds like a saint to me.

OP has stated clearly that her mother has been included and exposed to kind and fair people and she upsets them with her strange ways.

Life is short. Too short to spend trying to engage with an old lady who clearly has some extreme views and just wants everything her way.

She may be frightened about the time she has left but she has made her bed and it's not the OPs responsibility to lie in it with her.

Point out to her that all these groups and volunteering opportunities exist where she lives now and how you have to invest lots of time and energy and friendship to reap the rewards. Tell her it is't possible to slot her in because it doesnt work like that... and by the way you might be upping sticks soon