She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

So, a lonely 74 year old woman wants to move to be close to her adult child and (perhaps) hopes said child will be able to help care for her when the time comes?
My Mum died suddenly 12 days after being diagnosed with cancer, at 77 years old. She didn’t take my life from me; she gave me life. I’d love her to be alive to come and live near me if that was her wish.
Your generosity when it comes to volunteering obviously doesn’t extend to your mother.

I get it op as I suffered from my mum's bullying behaviour growing up too. So did my dad. She also has been a nightmare neighbour and is rude and has bust ups with people.
Oh to be lucky enough to be one of those mumsnetters who don't believe these mothers exist and think you are being a big old meanie who should welcome her with open arms. Maybe they should put their money where their mouth is and find someone really toxic and abusive to adopt!

You will have to be very direct, and very blunt. You could argue you'll move in a couple of years, probably overseas... (Later you can claim your plans have changed). Like others said, mention that everyone is anti-Trump and you can't go anywhere in the village if you're not vaccinated!

Having had a number of colleagues who just want to latch onto me in my work life (always wanting to do the same project, go for lunch together, etc), I can understand the horror that OP is feeling. Perhaps you can't relate and you find it abnormal because lucky you, you have not encountered a social/work/family leech before.

@OpenThatWindow You need to tell your mum that you and your DH sometimes discuss moving away. Not now, but in a few years time. You might. Never know etc. She shouldnt make big decisions based on your location no matter what your relationship is like. Jobs change. People divorce. Life happens. She needs stability at her age.

Or maybe @Sofiewoo is one of these people who doesn't understand boundaries.

Why hasn't she got her own friends/life where she lives?

Because she is horrible?

When she comes up could you take her to see this other town too? Find her some nice things to do and emphasise what a shame they are not on your doorstep?

Does she ring you during the day when you are working? If so, I’d stop answering. Shame your company has issued a decree to that effect. Show how unavailable you are.

From her mother, yes

Don't view the house with her, let her go on her own. This is just the start otherwise!

My late mother did the same. I moved and got away from her but after I started having kids she decided to move to the same town. I was horrified. She kinda took my identity away again.
She had loads of friends and always wanted to be top of everything, so she was chair at my kids secondary school, on the board and committee at various places.Used my hairdresser copied and became good friends copied my perfumes. The list goes on. She was a very domineering and outwardly charming and gregarious person who had acolytes everywhere she went. I became known as her daughter again- rather than me. I hated it.

You do know that there are objectively truly horrible people in the world? And that these people have children and grow old? Being a mother isn't a sanctifying experience and in many cases, selfish, rude and judgemental people become even worse as they age. OP has said:

'To the posters who think I'm a horrible daughter - I do understand why you'd think I'm being awful, but if you had my mother growing up, you'd feel the same.

You know you sometimes get a nightmare neighbour? A friend who turns out to be quite toxic? A difficult, bullying colleague? A horrible encounter with a stranger in a supermarket?

Some of those people have kids that grow up with their behaviour, and take the brunt of it for years and years.'

To be honest, the people who expect their children, usually daughters, to look after them in their old age are the ones who least deserve it. OP's mum is lonely for a reason as she has driven everyone else away.

You have to be straight. Tell your mum moving to be close to you as she is lonely, isn’t the answer. You have a life and you don’t intend to have her included in it . Not shopping or your hobbies or your friends interactions. She could find hobbies where she lives now. You aren’t rejecting her you just don’t want her expectations to include you!

YABU - thats your mother. Why are you crying on MN, talking about her personality to a large number of strangers instead of her? ... not giving good daughter vibes at all.

As a daughter you can check mum, u know.. but in a loving, constructive way, zero tone. She is 74! A precious senior. For the fact she raised you the best she could and gave you opportunity
you now need to make sure you help her find hobbies and respite and give her an opportunity to find something for her.
Talk to her. Help her.

"Oh i'll just come with you" - check her right there!! and say no mum not this one, this one is for me and my friends or whatever! Is that really hard to do? Wow

just quit bitching about your mother on MN. She doesnt harm or abuse you so dont do it to her.

Have you read any of OP's posts? Her mum was and still is a terrible mother.

As for OP's mum being a 'precious senior'! WTAF! You are another one who seems to think that the dial switches from 'narcissitic, rude, judgemental, abusive nightmare' to 'saintly pensioner' the moment people reach state pension age. It doesn't work like that.

It is obvious from OP's posts that her mum has harmed and abused her. This sort of sentimental claptrap is really misplaced and annoying.

I feel for you OP. Some parents can have an awful effect on friends and other relationships. I think if she does move near you then you must make time for yourself and only take her out when it is good for you

This. In spades.

I agree. Instead of lecturing the OP these people would be better off reflecting on their own good fortune.

Funny how it works. When you're young, you take your parents’ time, love, and energy without even thinking about it. They do everything for you.

But when they get older and need your help, you want nothing to do with it.

She just wants to be close to you because she’s alone.

I hope your kids treat you the same way when you're old and don’t want anything to do with you either.

But YOU aren’t going to be at this new location. She wants to muscle in on your life. That’s the whole point. Not in a mean way. She just likes what she sees you having and to boot, you’ll be there to see her and take more care of her in the future.

You are going to have to be very, very blunt and set boundaries and expectations.

You sound passive and loathe to upset her. understandably. But better short term upset than long term resentment.

Tell her straight op. Before she goes to see the new house, but definitely at the time if not before.

I don’t think you will though! But if you don’t, you’ll only have yourself to blame when you are on here posting about how she has taken over your life. How relations have broken down due to your understandable resentment.

Be cruel to be kind and do it before she moves. Then you might maintain a semblance of a decent relationship.

No no no. The op doesn't need to be a "good daughter", more is it her responsibility to find her mum hobbies. Nor are all over 70s precious.
Your coming across as the sort of nasty mother who gets dumped by her kids because of your behaviour. The I gave you life so you owe me shit doesn't work anymore, so you might just have to look at your own behaviour

Your poor mum though… I mean she obviously is lonely and wants to be closer to her child…. Imagine you are 74 someday and all alone (I don’t have a big group of friends because life and kids took over) and just wanting to feel included in her daughter’s life. I think there’s room for a conversation about moving closer whilst also independently, include with some things, occasional walks, bit of shopping, the odd lunch here and there. Perhaps that’s all she wants and didn’t word it correctly as such?? Please don’t push her away, you only have the one mum, someday you might feel bad that you didn’t include her more. Just my thoughts I’m 41 for reference.

Imagine you’re 74, have pushed everyone away (including your daughter) because you’re ‘rude and judgemental’, then realise your actions and behaviour have resulted you being in that situation. Would you think ‘I know, that daughter who I’ve been rude and judgemental too would love to have me next door’?