She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

Well done OP that's a bit of progress.
Could you sell the positives of those beautiful new build older people apartment schemes?
Many of them have really nice restaurants, hairdressers, gyms, even swimming pools and community gardens?
In 5 years she will be 80 and many people of that age do start to struggle with mobility etc. I would encourage her to think about that and ask her directly what her plans would be for help her on a practical level? Spell out that you just won't be able to.

I wonder if she could rent a property for a few months & leave hers vacant (air bnb/short term let) let her have a taste of what life will be like... it'll be easier for her to move back, when it hits that life won't be as she envisions it

If your mum is viewing a six bedroom house, maybe she could open a B&B 🙂
Regarding her friendship history, I would say that as you get older your tolerance wears thin, so maybe this is the case with your mum?

Really? You'd be that blunt/nasty? I couldn't bear my DM proposing what OP's mother is, but no way would I put it to her like this....

This. ^ I am still trying to get my head around some of the posts on here.

I don’t think it is that bad. My adult children would be that blunt to me as they take after me. We get on!
I just would not impose on their lives/friendship groups and I certainly don’t want them to run round after me after I get incapable/stubborn.

Please go easy on OP and other posters. No-one really knows what each person's individual family relations are like unless they are living it. My previous comments were to try to nuance that even if your relationship with parents is decent, a massive change in circumstances can still cause upset and conflict, and sometimes you need to be creative to find areas where you can help out or enjoy things together, as well as put up reasonable boundaries to areas where that would be impossible.. Life and people are complicated.

She will be wanting to move so you can care for her,
out elderly relatives absolutely refused to move near us when we had young children, or our siblings did. Now they are aware of their age, they want to move so we can care for them. Having never done anything to help out with their grandchildren, or even their children once they left school. Most telling,

I think you sound fairly dramatic. You describe your mum as a loner so how would she be stealing your life - she’s obviously going to be on the periphery of everything whereas you are fully integrated. I get not wanting an overbearing parent to live nearby, but saying she’s stealing your life isn’t really accurate.

Immensely profound sensible & compassionate enlightenments
I could see myself saying something along these lines to my father
Thank you
God Bless You&Yours
💚🤗💚

I really don't agree with the
comment of 'This is a strong and abnormal reaction!'

YANBU. It sounds very invasive to me! She'll join you to go shopping and go with you to your hobbies too! Nice! (Not!)

Hi I have a demanding, difficult mother, and everything is about her, so I know how difficult it is when suddenly they getting older, and realise she is lonely and no friends as she is difficult and opinionated. My dear dad died died of leukaemia and liver cancer, and she did not care for him, and basically left him to it. I drove him to the hospital for his transfusion therapy, my mum said oh you dad can get the bus! The day he died, she left him far too long, he was haemorrhaging from his kidney and had a bowel obstruction. He died horribly 7 hours later. Now my mum is feeling vulnerable and perhaps knowing she is on her own, she demands I see her at least twide a week, and basically become her carer, listen to her grips and moans, go shopping with her. I have 2 younger sisters, my middle sister is a nurse, but she is like my mum and harder than me, and can easily say no to her. My youngest sister has moved about 200 miles away.
In the end she was affecting my marriage, not my husband didn't support me, but I guess made me see she was taking advantage, and in the end he had words with her. I felt guilty saying no to her, but she knows I am soft and empathetic like my dad. I also remembered how she didn't care for my dad as I would have done. She is a nurse too! It makes me when I wobble about her demands of her lack of care, and making my dad's life more bearable. So I guess I am saying karma cones around. I cannot be her carer, social buddy, when she treated my dad in this way, and how I could never relay on her support, back up growing up. Y mum refuses to talk to me now. You have workex hard to have a enjoyable life. I would be tempted if she is saying she needs support, emotionally and physically, adult social services is a good start. Sign her up for day care, or suggest bridge groups, WI, senior yoga, in her area. What the heck is she buying a 6 bedroom house is bonkers. If she is feeling vulnerable and lonely, suggest buying a place with sheletered accommodation, she have 24 hour caretaker, and social activities, and people of her own age, but in her own town. Best of luck !

We know this first hand. Firstly my mother was intensely and invasively nosy about everything we did and said, in fact used to save up every snippet of conversation, twist it round and throw it back in our faces when it could do the most damage. She also purposely made enemies of contemporaries and neighbours wherever we/she lived and put it onto her children as our responsibility. My other half's mother is still alive and eats up as much of our life as possible, has always been rude to me and has no filter on her mouth when it comes to opinion, opinions that are based on paranoia and taking offence to imagined insults and criticisms. She wanted to move in with us 300 miles away but we said no way, and besides, we live in a 3 story townhouse and she cannot do stairs. You are right to be concerned. Your mother will probably do her best to make you feel guilty and even if you dont, it still eats up your life with one painful phonecall or visit after another.

Yes & I relate because my father's been similar & expects me to introduce him to all our friends & even refuses to go anywhere he might possibly be invited unless I go with him which is unreasonable, invasive & a complete unrealistic expectation
Even puts me on guilt trips if I don't comply with his every demand & whim!

Yanbu
Don’t take her out with you as it will end in tears.

My trump supporting, racist, anti vax, volatile, falls out with everyone sister has just moved to the town I moved to. I 100 feel your pain. I feel sure she is going to rock up at my hobbies and volunteering too.

Blunt/nasty AKA setting boundaries. Only the last sentence is over the top IMO but I see no reason the OP should feel obliged to bend over backwards and bust a gut to cart her mother everywhere with her, just because her mother has chosen to alienate herself from decent relationships with people through her obnoxious personality (i.e. actions ==> consequences). Being old or a blood relative is not an entitlement.

Can you help her to find more suitable sheltered accommodation nearer to where she is now?
Point out / invent disadvantages for her in the place where you are (transport difficulties / lack of facilities etc?).

"Abnormal reaction"? Just because someone is a parent, and an older one at that doesn't mean they are less of a fully human being, i.e.capable of being a royal PITA.

I'm 70 and my DD has said of her own volition that she'd like me to move to her part of Melbourne so she can see me more easily and look after me if needs be.

While pleased by this, and flattered that she doesn't perceive me as some ogre horning in on her, I've said no for now as she's in a houseshare and the very thought of uprooting myself only for her to move again is frightful. And odds on.

I'm already widowed and have been for years.
As for my mother I very been no contact with her for years due to her abusive behaviour towards myself and my children, I don't hate her I feel nothing for her nor do I ever really think about her.
I'm glad you have a good relationship with your dc and gdc, but I'm sure it's because you were a good mother and grandmother who is capable of both giving and receiving love unfortunately mine wasn't.

YANBU, though stealing your life is perhaps an overly dramatic way of putting it. It sounds like she's lonely, but if you don't get on well with her it's understandable you wouldn't want her around all the time.

Yes i would so would you if you knew her

My mother did this. Even went as far as gaining employment at MY workplace. I feel for you OP. It's a recipe for disaster imo.

I think you need to ‘sprain your wrist’ so you can’t drive her anywhere for a few week including to visit a house, she can drive.