She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

The OP sounds awful because in her own words her mum is elderly and isolated. She has no other children or friends, yet OP thinks her mum should move to a town she doesn’t know, a 50 minute drive away, on her own. Her mum may be judgemental and have views she doesn’t like, but this is often common in older, isolated people with no outlet. She just might mellow and be happier if she was included a little bit and was exposed to kinder, fairer people.

This is really nasty. OP is not talking about a slightly crotchety older person here - if she was perhaps your take would be justified. But thinking this woman could be "kindnessed" out of being so nasty is nuts. She has a lifetime of alienating people and shows bizarre and nasty thinking. OP is perfectly justified in not wanting her nearby and is actually being very compassionate - many people would not be putting so much effort into thinking about how this DM could improve her life.

Is there an update to your post?

You have to be really blunt with her.

YANBU at all. I could imagine my Mum doing this if I didn’t live in a city. I’m 56 and have lived in London for over 30 years but, because she loves the countryside, she still seems to think it’s just a phase and that I’ll eventually realise she was right all along and it’s an awful place to live! I know exactly what it’s like to have a mother like yours, and couldn’t bear to have her living near me, so you have my utmost sympathy.

Our parents don't own us. They do not have an automatic right to dominate our time and energy.

I went through a rough couple of years with my own mother after she was widowed. She clearly assumed that she would just slot into my life, accompany my DH and I on holiday, stay over at our house, or I visit her every weekend.

Nope. I have my own life.

I had a few phone calls where I was thoroughly told off and told that all her friends had thoughtful daughters (it's always the women isn't it) who couldn't wait to see their mothers. She told me how often she had seen her mother (her choice not mine). She even screamed and shouted at me in the street once when she found out that I had visited a nearby city to go shopping but not travelled to her city to see her. She actually stormed off, so I started walking home, and eventually, she followed me. I won't budge, though, from what I think is reasonable.

I see her monthly. She is invited to our house but usually turns it down. Sadly, I haven't been on holiday since 2019, as it's just not worth the fallout. I refuse to invite her on holiday as she expects everything to be arranged for her, lifts provided, all her choices and wishes deferred to.

At the moment we have a fragile peace but we will see what happens if she ever needs care. God help us!

I agree. Some people are so full of crap.

Absolutely. Couldn’t have put it better.

Pollyanna Gobshites - I like it 😀. Better than my Shit-Stirring-Twats lol

This thread just demonstrates how polarised people are when confronted with plain facts of disrespectful & damaging behaviour from a family member.
Those who empathise & validate & then those who castigate & gaslight the OP for being so heartless. It really is fascinating. Makes you see how narc abuse or maltreatment of any kind proliferates when you see how so many people react in support of the abuser. Of course we only have OP’s word about her mothers’ behaviour & treatment of others, but she is being very measured & balanced in her continued support of her mother, in a way that preserves her own well-being & boundaries when many do not - out of self preservation more than anything else. She has not gone no contact with her mother or become estranged as is so often the only way to deal with toxic & damaging family members or people.
How about reserving your sympathy for the OP whose well-being & emotional safety is at risk of being violated AGAIN by a difficult & damaging parent? After striving for many years to find a place of peace & contentment in her own life & community. She’s being generous in facilitating more appropriate places to live, for an elderly person, where she will not be isolated & able to maintain her independence & get involved in activities & opportunities on her doorstep as opposed to being rurally isolated & solely dependent on her DD for everything in her life. Seems Her DM is flexing her control in relation to growing awareness of her own age & assistant vulnerability. Instead of being fair & reasonable about that & taking measures to combat that & enhance her own wellbeing, she’s choosing to make her own DD’s life difficult & miserable & using FOG & emotional blackmail to achieve her goals. Dysfunctional, toxic & unfair. I commend OP for how calm & measured she’s being about this & sympathise with her having to manage a difficult family relationship. Others would do well to follow suit instead of lambasting & gaslighting her.

I suspect the DM supporters are cut from the same cloth as the DM and are equally self-rightous, judgemental, demanding and entitled characters in RL.

You know, your mother doesn’t have to be a dragon for you to not want her to live in the same place as you. Even if she was a saint you might want your own space.

I get sick and tired of people on MN justifying their actions by demonising the other person involved. We have no idea of who your mother really is. Women of her generation had a hell of a lot to put up with and as a result often come across as difficult, while the men in people’s lives don’t get a mention because they didn’t/don’t care.

That’s exactly what I was thinking. I suspect they’re also rude, judgemental characters but still expecting all the people they’ve offended to run round after them in their old age.

I assume the OP has an idea of who her mother really is, though.

But there is no treason for us to be convinced of that, is there?

There are so many dragon mums on MN but nary a dragon (or otherwise) dad. Perhaps those two facts are connected?

We have to take what the OP says about her mother at face value, otherwise what’s the point of responding to her thread? Absolutely none of it may be true, it could be an entirely fictional scenario 🤷🏻‍♀️, but the point of a forum like this is that you respond to the information given in the OP.

That.

unfortunately, you have to say something along these lines so that she gets she can’t just benefits from your efforts as she isn’t making any on her side.

I never said it wasn’t true.

So what’s your issue then? No one is ‘demonising’ the mother, they’re responding to the scenario in the OP based on the facts given. Would I want my ‘rude, judgemental’ mother, who has pushed away her friends and family, living in my pocket and intruding on my hobbies and activities? No.

My point was that it doesn’t matter what the mum is like. If op wants to live in a mum free space she is at liberty to do so. She doesn’t have to justify it. She obviously feels some
guilt about that and has turned to MN
to confirm how awful her mum is. And, boy, has she received that confirmation. I don’t think it will make her feel better about her decision however because she doesn’t sound like the kind of person who can easily live with such a decision. You just have to try, op.

I put it down to the obsession with ‘family’ -‘family time’ and all that kind of stuff- whilst it’s great if people have supportive, caring, helpful loving extended families- I’m afraid that isn’t the case for everyone - so it’s a huge presumption that extended family always comes first - for some people they simply don’t - and you reap what you sew— if you fall out with everyone, have views (and express them ) that your family find offensive, always put yourself first, are mean with time and money etc, etc - then don’t be suprised if your family aren’t exactly rushing to be very inclusive.

Compassion costs plenty if you lose the life you have worked hard to build because of it.

Hi op I hope your mum doesn’t buy the house she might be your mum who raised you but she does sound bloody awful.

Reg to she's stealing my life,at the end of the day it's your mother you only have her with you a while,so be kind to her,and create nice memories,not be selfish and,have regretful ones later I'm sure she knows he limits,and will allow your time to ur,self with own things,as long as you're are near

FFS ANOTHER pollyanna gobshite spouting guff 🙄 beyond tedious bearing.

I wish there was still the laughing emoji.

Why must OP be kind to a mother who has never been kind to her, even when she was a child? It's just sentimental and sanctimonious victim blaming rubbish to come out with all this 'you only have one mum, be kind, don't be selfish' claptrap.

OP is being much kinder to her mum than her mum ever was to her and OP's mum had more of a duty and obligation to the daughter that she chose to have.

OP doesn't want her in her village because it wouldn't suitable for someone who hates driving like her mum but if her mum moves to the nearest town with more amenities, she will visit her once a week which is more than her shitty mum deserves.